Weddingbee Boards

 A question for the hive: I am having a destination wedding and wanted to get some opinions: what do you think of them? Recently I posed the same question to another web-board and was surprised at the many negative responses I received, most along the lines of: "Destination weddings are selfish and a major pain in the ass for guests " Other comments included: "Destination weddings reek of social climbing/status seeking" Whoa! I had no idea this subject inspired such excitement! Anyone care to weigh in? Don't hold back, I can take it!

We're having a destination wedding on the Big Island of Hawaii at the end of the month.  Our reasons:

1. We wanted to keep the wedding small, and this is easy to do with a destination wedding.

2. He proposed in Hawaii, and we both LOVE it there. 

3. We'll get to spend more time with the people who are coming (30 adults).  We get a couple of days with them, and some actual conversation time, instead of a couple of hours.

4. His mom would never get to go to Hawaii if we didn't make his dad take her there!

5. Even with travel expenses, it's cheaper for us to have a 30 person wedding there than a 200 person wedding here.

6. Our friends and family live all over the world, so no matter where the wedding is, people will have to travel.  We may as well go some place fun! 

To the poster who says that destination weddings are a pain in the ass for guests, I say: "just don't come!"  We have a lot of friends and family who can't make it, and we are okay with that.

MissBlushing, my parents would completely agree with you. What they don't know is that if we weren't planning a destination wedding, we would have eloped.  So this is kind of a compromise that they didin't know we were making...

"I feel like if I am invited to a destination wedding, the couple doesn't *really* want me there and they're almost hoping I'll decline." 

I'll be honest with you, there's a lot of family on all sides that we never see (and more than a few cousins that I don't particularly care for).  I was able to get away with just inviting aunts and uncles instead of EVERYONE because it was a destination wedding.  

That is something to keep in mind when you're making a guest list for a destination wedding: you don't need to invite the whole world.  Our invite list was always short because we really only wanted the people we're closest too to be there.  We didn't send invitations out to a lot of our friends - especially not those who already said they wouldn't be able to go. I guess it all depends on your friends too, we each only have a few very close friends, everyone else are people we hang out with on the weekend.

My parents friends were a different story, Mom kept insisting that they'd probably be able to make it.  We had a 25% acceptance rate that would have been higher if Mom didn't insist we send invitations out to this and that couple that I'd never met.  So instead of sending out invitations to 40 people, we sent out to 100.  *sigh*

I am not having a destination wedding, but i wanted to really bad.   Not because of saving money, but because I wanted it to be stress free, and surrounded by only those that thought enough of me to travel a far distance to be at an intimate gathering.  It was not possible to have an intimate wedding in my hometown without offending many people.  I certainly would not have been offended if people could not spend the money to come to the wedding, just as i am not offended if out of towners cannot fly to my hometown. 

I have flown to Europe and all over the states for weddings, and it's been fun.  And I certainly understand the desire to go away and make it special, after having planned my own big and stressful local wedding.  My advice to every friend who has marriage on the horizon is to have a destination wedding!  

self absorbed?  maybe, but it's YOUR wedding!  it is about YOU and your family, so don't worry about what other people say.  There is no shame in it as long as you are sending invites to only those that are very close to you. 

"a college friend who I had kind of grown apart from had a destination wedding and just didn't understand why I couldn't spend $1000 to be there"

Yeah, that would really annoy me.  I tried to get the message across to all of our friends (and family), that we much prefer that they skip the wedding and pay their rent/grocery/car/credit card/etc bills instead.  I just hope that got through to everyone.  I think it did.

another thing to think about and to make sure you're ready for before deciding on a destination wedding is the planning process.  it's a LOT harder to plan from far away.  you'll have a lot less input in the decisions being made and will just have to trust that you and your vendors share similar visions.  in addition, being a control freak myself, i wouldn't be able to handle being so "hands-off".

and one last thing is shipping stuff.  you'll have to ship all your favors, decorations, etc (and usually destination weddings aren't the easiest places to ship to and will probably cost extra).  and you'll also have to ship everything back, plus whatever gifts your guests might bring.  all that adds a lot to the bottom line.

that being said, i think, if done right and done with your guests needs in mind (and less your own, unfortunately) it can be successfully done and extra special.

We are having our wedding on Oahu in December.

We decided to get married in Hawaii because: we met there when we both lived there, and spent the majority of our relationship there. It is a very special place to both of us, and played a huge part in our relationship. After we started planning, however, we took an opportunity to move back to Oahu (yay!)

The hardest part of deciding to have a destination wedding is the people who will think you are selfish. We have some immediate family that won't be attending our wedding, and some friends that can't afford to do so. And that's fine. You just have to be ok with the fact that people might be mad, and/or can't afford to attend.

Guests can always decline if they think it is too selfish or they can't afford to go.  A couple who plans a destination wedding knows that everyone won't be able to attend, that is a part of life.

My fiance and I are doing a destination wedding and it makes sense in our situation.  Our families live at least 500 miles away from us, as do most of our guests.  We didn't want to show favortism and offend anyone by not having it near them so a destination wedding became a neutral option for us.

Besides and most importantly... it is at a location my fiance and I love.  

I don't get the social climbing/status seeking comment.  You keep the wedding as intimate as you want to make it just like a conventional wedding.

I think the idea of a destination wedding is fabulous!  Often, we lose sight that weddings are about the bride and groom, not the guests. 

Something that my cousin did (and my parents are strongly encouraging me to do, though I am not engaged) was she got married on the beach in Jamaica, just her, the groom, and a best man and maid of honor.  They did the most adorable invitations (groom, holding bride, standing in the waves)  and had a huge reception when they made it back from their honeymoon!

I suppose what I am trying to add to the discussion is, it's about YOU.  If the guests can come, great, if not, so be it.  There is nothing selfish about wanting to have your wedding the way that YOU want it. (and this is coming from someone who considers herself a professional wedding guest-12 in the past 6 months!)

We live in a different world today - families are scattered throughout the country and the world. Some people get married later than others. I was swamped with weddings ten years ago, spent alot of money travelling to and fro for them, but now I am the last to go. No matter what decision I made I was alienating half the guest list from either coast. So we made a choice to pick a place that was close enough to us (Palm Springs, CA), where the variety of hotels were in all sorts  of price ranges, and where people would be together and get a chance to catch up, relax, get to know one another, etc. 
In return for that travelling, we told ourselves we needed to give people a reason to come. And we have - we will be getting married in a beautiful resort, the food will be first class, and the company will match that. Some people won't make it, and I respect that decision. 
At a certain point you have to pick and choose your battles. And until you are engaged and faced with the decisions of date and place and budget, you will not necessarily know how you will react. Ten months ago I had an entirely different attitude - we're not wasting money on this, we're not wasting money on that, blah blah. Our budget has almost doubled - because I made my most important decision to be that I wanted the people I loved to be there - and not just ten of them. We're looking at 100 people, but I know I will never have the opportunity to collide the worlds in such a magnificent way EVER AGAIN. So I stopped feeling guilty, I got another job to make a few extra bucks, we worked the budget out, and I'm moving forward.
The Wedding Industrial Complex is a dark force. I believe that part of the process in the planning today is working with your FI trying to figure out how to navigate that - because once the party is over, your everyday lives will be filled with decisions of that nature again and again and again. Doesn't mean you shouldn't spend the money - just know what you'll get for it.
Don't judge. Don't hate. Someone else's wedding decisions shouldn't be taken so personally. If you haven't walked in those bridal shoes yet, you don't know what will eventually hit you. And when you do, you'll laugh at how quickly your mind will change about certain things you were SURE you'd never do.

We ended up having a desination wedding because there was nothing in our area that came close to our vision for a wedding of our dreams. We tried every possible spot on the Jersey shore, went lakeside and on top of mountains and nothing.  We though of having a destination wedding closer to our family, in the Caribbean, but felt that we'd go to Hawaii for a honeymoon anyway.  So we chose Hawaii and never looked back.

We had a local reception for all our parents' friends and our families but  there was drama that day that puts a real damper in my memories of our reception and I am so thankful we had Hawaii and it was perfect.  

I say do whatever you want and know that not everyone will be able to go and those that go you will have an amazing time with them.  I had really good friends come and we've grown closer because we spent 6 days doing the most fun, relaxing, and amazing things together.  Nothing like experiencing something as new and awesome like Hawaii together. 

Destination weddings, like non-destination weddings, can blow the bank or save money - it's in how you do it. 

I wish you all the best and Hawaii is a perfect choice. 

We're planning a DW in Hawaii, but we definitely don't think it will save us money.  We just chose it because we felt travel is part of our identity and is one of our shared loves.

One thing I haven't seen recurring in this thread is that you make provisions for friends to celebrate with you even if they can't make it to the destination.  Then they don't feel like they are damaging or discounting the friendship by declining the wedding invitation. We thought of having a "cake party" at home after the honeymoon, since we love the bakeries in this area and wouldn't be too picky about cake choices in the destination.

Instead, we're probably going to have an "anniversary party" and list it on the invitation (e.g. RSVP will be "yes" or "no but I will try to come to your anniversary party in SF next year"), so people know they'll have an option if they don't want to shell out for a forced vacation.  An anniversary party would spread out the wedding-related expenses and planning to another year and would probably mean a smaller attendance (allowing us to get an even better small cake!).

I think they sound awesome, but have never been to one.  If you were having one I would keep the guest list small, to family and close friends.  If you are not helping out with the cost of hotel rooms, etc, then I wouldn't expect much for a gift though as the cost to attend would be VERY high.  If people are so appalled by the invite, they don't have to come, and maybe you don't want those people there anyway!

You can always have a low-key reception for the rest of your friends/family that couldn't come once you get back home.

When I first started planning, I was going to having my wedding in town. FI's family and friends would have to travel because they are all on the other side of the coast. My local guestlist alone was getting way way out of control (i've lived here for 20 years!) and I was getting so stressed out trying to accomodate everybody. Due to our very limited budget, we realized that a DW was the best way of keeping our guestlist to a minimum. We're inviting about 50 people but already anticipate only about 30 will attend. Some of my closest friends have already told me they might not make it because of the financial burden. Although I would love for them to be there, I TOTALLY understand why someone would decline. I know all about debt and I wouldn't ask anyone to go in debt because of OUR day! Like many of you said, it is about the bride and groom. I didn't want to compromise on my dress or my honeymoon simply because I had to make more room for my wallet for the big reception!

A DW isn't for everybody, but it made sense for us. Hawaii has a special place in my heart so we're doing it there. Most of his guests have never been there and have always wanted to go, so they're using our wedding as an excuse to finally visit! I'm planning a  'Welcome to Paradise' cocktail party or a BBQ for all guests in place of the rehearsal dinner. I'm going to set up some activities for them to do but leave them optional in case they want to explore the island on their own. I'm making OOT bags for all guests to thank them for coming all that way to share in our special day, and I'm not even registering because I don't expect any gifts. Our guests spending their hard earned money to see us say our vows is present enough for me!

And, for the 150+ people I'm not inviting, we're having either at home reception to celebrate our union. Just cocktails and appetizers so it doesn't inflate our budget! :)

Hope this helps! Remember it's all about you and your FI.

Good Luck :)