Post # 1
I don’t really know where else to turn except other brides who may be able to provide words of wisdom.
I am struggling with my wedding plans. I love my fiancee immensely and am looking forward to being married to him but our wedding planning is a nightmare. We both come from Indian backgrounds and our parents both have large guestlists. Due to this I had to give up my dream wedding venue that I had spend months organizing for my special day. Once our families finally gave us a true guest list we realized there was no way that venue could accomodate everyone and both sets of parents were not in a position to reduce their guest lists. So we’ve had to settle on a different and more traditional venue. But the truth is.. i’m hurting about this… i feel like i’m suffocating. I am a creative individial with tons of great ideas but because we have to accomodate close to 800 guests everything is being streamlined. So where we could have had greatt meals, a great venue, we have to have a mediocre venue with so so food (both things that are important to me).
I just feel like I hate my weddings. It’s nothing I ever wanted it to be. And it’s all about accomodating everyone else. I feel like there’s nothing in that wedding that is representative of me, my likes, my values even. And every time i try to suggest something, it’s shot down by my fiancee or my family. OUr parents are paying for this wedding so I feel like I have no control. And although I’ve recommended to my fiancee that we pay for it ourselves, and have a smaller wedding, he doesn’t want to break his families heart – he’s their yongest son and a wedding they have looked forward to for a long time.
I don’t know what to do,,, my wedding is making me ill, and I don’t think this is normal
Post # 2
smellybelly: Weddings are hard. You are stuck trying to please those you love and those who love you. You give up a lot of control when you are not paying.
You are likely to get responses that tell you to have a smaller wedding that you can afford, but some Bees just don’t understand that culturally, there are expectations to be met.
Are you able to identify the things that are most important to you? And figure out a way to include those things in your massive wedding? Could you incorporate some of these things into the rehearsal dinner?
Have you and your FI discussed having an intimate ceremony with just the two of you and your parents, before the “offical” huge ceremony? Could you plan a vow renewal on your anniversary, no matter which anniversary that is, that is the intimate ceremony that you want?
All of life is compromise, including weddings.
Post # 3
My friend is currenly going through something similar except she’s Scottish Canadian and her FH is Indian (and living in India where she is moving).
She feels that her FMIL and FH are steamrolling her into doing things that she doesn’t want, aren’t her vision but she feels trapped because it’s the cultural norm and expected.
Can you have the big Indian wedding that your family expects (and is paying for) and then have the wedding YOU want the next day? I know lots of peopel who have done a multiday wedding in order to have the traditional aspects as well as the modern.
Post # 4
Some people do two events, involving a smaller, more intimate reception for closest loved ones. <br />Since your families have such strong opinions, could you go along with their wishes for the wedding they want to pay for, then have something more ‘you’ to celebrate and welcome in your new life as you feel comfortable with?
Post # 5
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
smellybelly: Elope! Seriously, I wish we had and my wedding planning wasn’t even that difficult! Just so not worth it after it was all over!
Post # 6
smellybelly: Since the family is paying, I would say just suck it up, and then follow up with a smaller wedding/reception the following day where you pay it yourself, invite whoever you want and have the wedding of your dreams.
That’s what my indian friend did.
Post # 7
I totally understand what you’re going through. I am going through the same thing. FH and I are both from a Middle Eastern background and all we wanted was a small elegant wedding with our immediate family and a few friends, no crazy music and dancing, just a lovely gathering and lots of conversation. My family is only contributing a small part to the wedding but they are demanding outrageous things like having the wedding back in the Middle East (we live in Canada) and asking for an outrageous amount of money from his family without room for reason or compromise. It’s been very hard navigating between cultural expectations, familial relationships and peace of mind. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even care about my wedding anymore, I just want it to be over so we can move on and the families don’t have as much to fight about anymore.
I second what some of the other Bees are saying about just having this big wedding for the your family’s sake and so no extra conflict is generated and then just have an intimate party your way whenever you like. We were thinking of having an intimate wedding gathering when we return to celebrate getting our “secular” wedding certificate.
Post # 8
Wow, 800 people it’s a lot, when do you have time to enjoy the wedding when you spend all your time greating these people that you never saw in your life?
My advice, if the families are paying, let them roll their show and then do a small wedding in your favorite location and invite only people you want. Don’t let this stress you out, be a guest at your on wedding and then be the organizer for your smaller one. Try to enjoy, life is too short ….. and it’s so funny by the way because most of the brides I know they’re all complaning about not enough people coming to their wedding, refusals and stuff like that…..
Post # 9
Ugh, that sounds like a tough situation. Maybe you can compromise. What if you and your husband and a couple of your best and closest friends/relatives have a small, intimate ceremony that YOU plan and pay for? You can invite your parents if you think they’d be cool, not if you think they’d flip out at you getting legally married before their planned blow out. So have a ceremony in a park and then dinner at a nearby cool restaurant or something intimate and chill… then, let your parents plan the gigantic Indian wedding of their dreams. Everyone wins!!!
Post # 10
Stop planning this Indian wedding NOW and hand everything over to parents. Focus on your personal wedding.
Just get drunk at your Indian wedding. Make sure the guests know that your parents picked out the food.