Post # 1
Soooo…I’ve heard the warnings from other bees that getting engaged and getting married can bring out weird reactions in our nearest and dearest but I (naively) thought that would never happen to me. Well, surprise, surprise – here am I writing a post about how broken hearted I am about my BF’s reaction to my engagement and decision to get married.
Backstory (I’m going to try and keep this brief): Fiance and I discussed getting married together instead of the traditional, he just buys a ring and asks scenario. Mainly, because we are ready to have a child and it’s important to my family (and me) to be married before we do that. So we discussed and agreed and I picked out the ring and ordered it and Fiance paid for it and talked to my father and picked when he would actually ask. I told my Boyfriend or Best Friend about this in advance of getting the ring and she told me at the same time that her brother was going to propose to his Girlfriend too. Great! 4-6 weeks go by and we ended up getting engaged the day after they did. I had no knowledge of this and no control over this and we had no intention of trying to “steal thunder” when we did this. This caused some drama which I thought had blown over but things have remained tense and we have not really been spending time together (BF and I) or talking much since I got engaged.
So I called her out on it this week – just saying that I missed her and I feel like I’m the odd man out these days because she’s not showing any interest in spending time together and she responds, saying that she has felt the tension too and she thinks that I’ve changed since the engagement and I seem really unhappy. Then she proceeds to tell me (coming from a place of love and concern…mm-hm) that she thinks I deserve better and basically that my engagement is not a “real” engagement because I didn’t get a traditional proposal and goes on to say that despite the fact that she admits she doesn’t know Fiance that well (despite the fact that we’ve been together for almost 5 years, we did live far away from each other until February of this year and Fiance is very quiet and reserved), she states that she “wonders how he feels about all of this” and that if “he really wanted to marry you, he would have asked you long before this”. She goes on to pass judgment about me hating my job (I don’t) and me giving up all my happiness to conform to what is expected of me.
I’m FLABBERGASTED. I literally felt like someone punched me in the stomach when I read her email (yes, she sent it in an email since email communication is basically all we have had to keep us together since the engagement) and was in tears at my desk immediately. This is someone who is like a sister to me and I just spent the past 3 years supporting her and her family through her mother’s battle with cancer and subsequent death. Both me and Fiance uprooted our entire lives to move 30 minutes away from her after her mom died so we could support her – including Fiance quitting his job which he has yet been able to replace – and this is her reaction to the happiest event of my life to date. I’m SUPER offended that she would even imply that I may have FORCED Fiance to get married but at the same time, don’t feel I need to justify anything to her because I know the truth and I know how much I’m loved and how happy he is to be getting married.
So we’re meeting tonight to talk things out in person and I hope we can come to some sort of resolution but I’m feeling super hurt and super angry about it and wonder how someone who has been like my sister for so long could know so little about me. I’ve never conformed to anything in my LIFE – and I certainly would never let anyone make me feel pressured into making such a huge decision as getting married to meet societal expectations for a 33 year old. The fact of the matter is that she’s seen me as unhappy because I’ve been so upset with her for how she handled my engagement (I saw her two days after the official proposal and she didn’t even MENTION it – not a “congrats!”, no hugs, no “let’s see the ring!”, NOTHING!! I was heartbroken and still am and as a result, I’ve pulled away from her because I don’t want to let someone who clearly doesn’t give a sh*t about my engagement rain on my parade so I’ve surrounded myself with people who DO care and who ARE happy for me.
Ugh – I’m just so sad about it – I never would have expected this to be an issue with any of my friends but ESPECIALLY her (the girl who never wants to get married and never wants kids and the person who has supported me without hesitation for the past 12 years).
Post # 3
@LibbyLoo: first off, ((HUGS)). Second, you already said what you should say to her here:
The fact of the matter is that she’s seen me as unhappy because I’ve been so upset with her for how she handled my engagement (I saw her two days after the official proposal and she didn’t even MENTION it – not a “congrats!”, no hugs, no “let’s see the ring!”, NOTHING!! I was heartbroken and still am and as a result, I’ve pulled away from her because I don’t want to let someone who clearly doesn’t give a sh*t about my engagement rain on my parade so I’ve surrounded myself with people who DO care and who ARE happy for me.
I hope it all works out!
Post # 4
It sounds like you are confident with who you are and your decisions, which is important, not to let her drag you down. There are some people who cannot stand when someone’s life is happier than theirs (at least they see it that way), so they have to convince themselves that things are not as good as they seem. But that is her problem, not yours. Good luck with the talk.
Post # 5
@LibbyLoo: I hope you can get back to a good place with her. It is truly sad when a friend can’t support you and rains on your happiness. I had the same situation when I got engaged except I got a reaction… “really” isn’t that sweet? BUT after we had a talk (without me getting emotional and worked up) we worked it all out.
Also, your engagement isn’t out of the normal! We did the same thing because I wanted to pick out my ring with him but the proposal was still just as wonderful. The judgement isn’t needed and I am happy for you! It’s a happy time for you and don’t let it rain on one of the most important memories of your life. I know it’s hard and I wish you luck talking to her!
Post # 6
I’m sorry this is happening, first off.
Second, you need to ditch the email communication. If you live close, go to her house. If you are really best friends, you should be able to discuss this in person. Just tell her exactly what you told us – your dissapointment about how she handled your engagement and how she has been acting lately. It sounds like you gave up a lot to be a great friend to her, and now she needs to realize that. Friendship goes both ways…it can’t always be about what she is going through, she has to be able to have space in her heart to celebrate your life, too, if she is going to be your best friend.
Post # 7
Thanks ladies! I’ve definitely ditched the email communications (at least until we’re back to just general email discussions – we both work desk jobs so we’ve always engaged in a lot of daily email discussions that started back in the day when we lived 500km away from each other) as when things get sensitive like this, email only tends to make things worse because you can’t hear emotion in people’s voice and words on a screen are open to interpretation of the reader and all that jazz.
She’s a really special person in my life and I would be heartbroken if the happiest event of my life was clouded by losing one of the most important relationships of my life. We’ve gone through problems before (who doesn’t after 12 years of friendship) and worked things through so I’m hopeful that this can be resolved as long as we can discuss this openly and really hear how the other person is feeling. I’m trying to put my defensive feelings aside and just came at it from an honest place of letting her know that her actions have hurt my feelings and I just want to share in this happy event with someone who also means so much to me.
Post # 8
It sounds like she might be a bit jealous? Is she in a relationship?
Perhaps she’s worried that now that you’re becoming and wife (and soon, a mother) that she is going to lose your friendship and this is her way of dealing with it.
It’s no excuse though and I’m sad this has happened to you.
I hope you can work things out, but if you can’t, please don’t let this ruin such an exciting time in your life!
P.s Congrats on the engagement!!!
A friend of mine had a similar, talked out, planned engagement like yours and honestly, they are the most beautiful couple! I think it’s a perfectly fine way to get engaged, in this day and age women should definitely have a say in the process!!!
Post # 9
hope the meeting went well! <3
Post # 10
@thanlon_88: I am hoping so too. It sounds like an anxiety type reaction to knowing your relationship with her will be changing soon, due to your marriage and future parenthood, especially since she is not planning to get married or having children. :-S
Post # 11
I think she feels abandoned. if you moved out to support her, maybe she sees you getting married will take you away from her, when she has alreaady lost her mom. Of course, you should get married, and it would be ridiculous to feel that way, but maybe you can try to get at the root of where she is coming from.
Post # 12
Just wanted to update everyone – the talk went well. While I’m still rather unsure of whether or not I believe her reason for not showing excitement (she said she thought I WANTED the diamond and the surprise engagement and didn’t feel right being happy about me not getting what I wanted) – she did apologize when I told her how badly my feelings had been hurt and I believe that she meant it.
Overall, the friendship has been going on for so long and means so much to both of us, that sometimes it’s better to just forgive and forget and move on. We cleared up any miscommunications and I told her I appreciated her love and concern about my happiness but I AM HAPPY (!!) so she doesn’t need to worry about me, I just need her to be happy FOR me now. It was a good talk and ended with a long hug and we both told each other that we loved each other and I feel the weight of the world is lifted off my shoulders now.
Thanks for the ear, ladies, and the words of advice and encouragement!