Post # 1
SO and I had one of our friends over tonight and his friend made a comment about “IF” Mr. Beary and I got married. This hurt my feelings because it already feels like we’re engaged. Later on that night when our friend went home, I told him how much of a reality check (and a slap in the face) it is to be reminded we’re not engaged/married even though it feels like we already are.
I asked him that if he felt that we were engaged and I felt that we were engaged, then why not say we’re engaged?! He told me to say that we are; in his words: “If it talks like a duck, walks like a duck, and someone calls it a chicken does not change that it is a duck.” This sort of made me excited! I told him, “Well, if you consider us engaged, then ask me to marry you!” Point blank, he told me he wasn’t going to ask me to marry him until he felt he was “situated” and such. Then he goes on to tell me that he wouldn’t consider us engaged until I had a ring on my finger.
WHAT THE HELL!? This completely negates the previous statement that if we feel engaged, then who gives two turds about the rings?! I told him that I wanted a long engagement and that I didn’t expect for us to get married until we had everything together. But he wants to wait to put a ring on my finger when we’re settled down and get married shortly thereafter. He always refers to me as his “fiance” and he feels like we’re engaged already, so what the hell?!
I know for a fact that we won’t be getting engaged until a minimum of 2 years. This just sank my heart completely. I’ve eaten an entire pack of Oreos I’m so upset! 🙁 He knows that I’d accept proposal without a ring, but he wants to do it the old fashion way. I can respect that, but this is just pure confusion. I need a hug!
Post # 3
I’m sorry, sweetie. Sheesh, that’s really a way to throw you through a loop.
Hugs to you! And don’t make yourself sick from the Oreos, hun.
Post # 4
Guys are weird. I don’t know. They are just different from us…ã€€As a girl I can totally “get” what you’re saying and that feeling of WTH are we waiting for!??
Post # 5
I’m sorry. I hate lip service. If you don’t mean it, then don’t say it. Simple as that. Especially if you aren’t willing to stand by your words. I can see how him being a guy would cause him to fail to see how hurtful that was, but sex doesn’t matter when you’re blatantly choosing to flip flop.
Maybe you should suggest to him that he stops calling you his fiance if he isn’t willing to make you his fiance? I’m sorry you had a tough night.
Post # 6
Put. The Oreos. Down.
LoL jk… but seriously, I think we are just as confused about the way guys brains work as they are about us. Can you ask him to please not refer to you as his fiance until he makes it official? Even if “making it official” means he asks you to marry him without a ring, that sounds like it’s official enough for you two. But I think it’s important that you don’t get toyed around with (and he doesn’t get to take the easy way out…lol). It seems to just lead to confusion.
Post # 7
On another note: Life is a complicated beast. For whatever reason, the further you progress in it the busier, more unpredictable, and complicated it gets. I don’t know what your SO meant by being situated or settled, but for the most part there is no magical point in life where everything stops and all the ducks magically fall in place and you now have time to propose to someone. Did he mean when he was financially settled, in a job, out of school and all that good stuff? Cause I’ll also say this, after getting out of school, landing a job and finally making some real money, it still takes years to get a good cushion going. Especially if he wants the kind of cushion that could pay for a ring and a wedding. Really. YEARS. Maybe this is something you might want to nicely point out sometime. Had someone told me 5 years ago what I would be making today I would have run around with $$ signs over my eyes. But in the grand scheme of things, life’s expenses, the cost of living where I live for the sake of work, it isn’t a ton of money.
Perhaps he’d be more open to getting the ball rolling if he bought a wedding band to use as an engagement ring and get you a proper engagement ring once he was “situated?”
Post # 8
I’m sorry. I know how it feels when someone says something that reminds you that you are in fact *not engaged*. It stings. I read this article and it makes me want to print it out and anonymously mail it to SO. Granted, I know it’s not the best approach, but I was definitely tempted. I try to remind myself that “getting situated” is as important to *him* as getting engaged is to me. When you think about it like that, it’s not something that you can just downplay to him. Try to hang in there…
Post # 9
every time he calls you fiance you should quack at your ring finger
Post # 10
@CanadianMermaid: lol, that would be amazing!
Post # 11
I’m sorry hun. He definitely needs to knock it off calling you fiance if he doesn’t consider you engaged yet. it’s hurtful and really mean of him to do that to you. When it happens again, remind him that you are not engaged and to not call you fiance until you are. Keep doing it everytime and hopefully it will get through to him pretty quickly. Guys can be dense to how these things make us feel so hopefully this will knock some sense into him.
@CanadianMermaid: that is great!! lol
Post # 12
I would definitely let him know how much it hurts when he refers to you as his Fiance even though you aren’t “officially” engaged, especially because you REALLY want to be engaged to him.
Several months ago, SO and I had a major change in timeline. He made it clear that we wouldn’t be getting engaged/married as we had originally discussed. That reality hit me hard, and it down right sucked! Then, I slowly began to realize that he was right, and it didn’t make sense to rush into anything. Once I realized that he loves me the same whether or not we are pre-engaged, engaged, or married, getting engaged no longer mattered so much. Don’t get me wrong. I would love to be engaged and married, but I’ve learned to trust him to make the decision of when to propose. He promised that it will happen when the time is right, and that for me, at this point in time, is more than I can ask for.
Let him have his moment and propose how and when he wants. For some guys, making us gush boosts their man-pride to an extreme. He’s given you a timeline and basically told you it’s going to happen. Having a timeline and knowing your SOs expectations is more than some other ladies-in-waiting have. And look on the bright side. . .even though engagement is further off than you had hoped, once you are engaged, the wedding will soon follow!
Post # 13
I’m confused why you think you feel engaged when it’s blatently clear to him, his friends and even yourself that you’re not.
Certainly sounds like in due time you will be but if you’re not you’re not.
ETA: ok tell him to stop calling you his fiance then. Problem solved.
Post # 14
Oohh I’m sorry.
I’m going to call it like I see it — don’t buy the stuff about “if it talks like a duck….” You aren’t engaged because he doesn’t want to be engaged right now. Whatever the reason, and whatever his intentions, that’s the truth. Do yourself a favor and *don’t* think of yourself as engaged…it will save you some heartache.
Post # 15
@vmec: He doesn’t have the money for a ring right now and is “old-fasioned.” He believes in doing it right the first time or not doing it at all since we’ll only be doing it once in our lives. I can appreciate that, but it’s when he introduces me as his fiance, it hurts because I know we won’t have the money for the way he wants things done for a while. I could be stingy and say I want it my way or that’s it, but he’s the love of my life, I’m happy to have him by my side. Some days just get me.
Post # 16
@CanadianMermaid: hahaha, i would totally do that, except maybe bawk instead of quack? Once the ring is there then you can officially quack. 😉
@katiebeary: I’m sorry you’re having a rough time. I personally wouldn’t allow him to continue to call me his fiance until it was offical. If he continued to do that in front of others I would correct him. If my SO was referring to me as his fiance to others when they know damn well that we haven’t taken that step it would piss me off. I don’t know why guys do that.