Post # 1
I’ve had baby fever really badly since our wedding in September. Shortly after, my husband suggested that we start trying next November (11 months away!). He suggested it all on his own and I thought he truly meant it. I’ve been really excited about our plan since we talked about it. And today I have my yearly female visit with my doctor so since it’s my last regular physical before next November I was looking forward to asking her certain questions about when to go off the pill, etc. So last night I was sitting down with my hubby and asking him what questions I should ask, did he have any questions, etc… and well… you could tell that he really didn’t want anything to do at all with the conversation whatsoever. He just answered “nothing” to me.
Earlier this week he also said something basically along the lines of “do you know that if we have kids, we’ll never be able to travel like we do now?” I realize that obviously but the way he said it, I knew it was a really big concern to him.
I’m just really bummed today. I’ve been looking forward to my doctor’s appt all week to be able to ask all my baby questions but now, why bother? I guess the bigger picture is that my husband and I have definitely settled down the last year and he has said that he’s not into the bar scene anymore and we don’t go out a whole lot. And that’s fine with me because I thought it was progressing into settling down, starting a family, etc but I don’t feel like we’re on the same page. I tried talking to him about it last night but he kind of shuts down about it and gets really turned off by the subject (kind of like a long time ago before we got engaged and whenever I brought up rings he’d freak out and say anything he could to end the conversation). He obviously isn’t ready to have children right now (or even think about having children right now) but he got my heart set on it so much that now I just feel a bit lost. I kind of had this plan in my head for the last couple months about the next couple years and starting a family and baby names (that WE picked out together) and now it’s just gone, or on hold for who knows how long. I’m just really upset today.
Post # 3
((HUGS)) He has plenty of time to get used to the idea dear, next November is still a good while away. Perhaps you-all should plan one huge vacation where it’s pure sexiness and grown up fun before you start thinking baby talk… Also remind him that many parents take their little one on vacation :D… It’s really fun and cute to experience the world through the eyes of a child.
Post # 4
I’m sorry luv, that is a bit of a bummer. But, I think it may just be overwhelming to thing about (as a man) when he thought he had some time. Most men have no idea that you’d have to come up with questions for a gyno, or prepare at all, well in advance. When I mentioned that I should probably switch to an OBGYN, since we plan to start this time next year, my Fiance was like, “ok.. wait, what?!?”, he almost wet himself. And it is scary to consider having something so reliant on you when you’ve just found a balance in life. So you’re married, you’re settling down, and when you have a baby you settle down even further. I’m sure when you get pregnant he’ll be ready and so excited. But for now, it probably is the furthest thing from him mind. He gave you 11 months for a reason. Let me work it out on his own time if you can. But definitely go to that appointment with all the questions you have!
Post # 5
Sorry you are feeling so discombobulated. I like crebre’s idea of going on a big vacation this year, and also looking at travelling with kids. Yes it is a bit harder, but it is totally doable. Never let anyone tell you that having kids means you have to put your travel plans on hold.
I would also have that talk with your doctor today. It is all good information to have, regardless of when you do decide to go off the pill.
Post # 6
I would go ahead and talk to your doctor and ask your questions. I agree that next November is a long ways away. Like jennifer said, he gave you 11 months for a reason. Give him that time that he obviously needs.
Post # 7
I’m so sorry. 🙁
I think if you were that set on it you really need to get him to seriously talk about this with you so that you guys have a plan. perhaps you will feel better if you had a goal to look forward to.
But I think since you have your yearly already go ahead and still ask you doctor! Never hurts to be well prepared.
Post # 8
I know November is a long time away but I’m going to feel like an idiot sitting there today asking all these baby questions when I know how he feels about it right now. The timeframe was his idea, he started the conversation with me about when we should start trying. But the few times I’ve brought it up to him since he acts like he completely regrets saying that. The look on his face when I brought it up last night… it was like this look of horror like “oh crap she’s really going through with it?” or something. It was the sideways “WTF” glance he gave me! I guess I could still ask my questions but he completely took out all the excitement out of it. 🙁
Post # 9
you know, I was in this situation too, but opposite. I wanted to try shortly after the wedding, brought it up to Darling Husband, then I was like “WOAH WOAH! Not so fast…” and I pumped the brakes. Having a child is a scary, life changing thing, and even though a few months ago I wanted to try shortly, Ive since changed my mind (Also much to my husbands dismay.) He realizes that we both have to be on track for this to plan for it – if it happens by accident then we’ll handle it, but in the interim I need more time to myself to mentally prepare.
That being said, still ask your doctor the questions you want to know, keeping the November timeframe so you can get date specific answers. It can never hurt to be prepared, even if it is early. He might come around, but back off of it for a bit so it doesnt make him increasingly uncomfortbale. Hes probably a bit intimidated to tell you hes changed his mind (if that is the case) for fear that you might think its for a reason its not. In my case, I just need more time. Nothing more, nothing less. but when people keep bringing it up to me I get very defensive and closed off about it. It sounds like he is doing the same.
Post # 10
I am sorry that you are disappointed, but you should still ask questions at your physical. My family doctor saw my engagement ring at my last physical (in June), and asked when we were planning on starting a family, I told him that it would be at least a year before trying (because we aren’t getting married until July 2010).
He told me that I was actually late in getting my body ready for pregnancy, because the current recommendation is that you start prenatal vitamins 2 years before attempting to conceive!!! We had a long talk about pre-natal vitamins (what kinds are good, better and best) other supplementation, keeping healthy when stopping birth control, de-toxing from long term birth control use, hormonal changes, and other considerations (for example – dental health is really important when becoming pregnant).
That being said, I think it is really important that both people be enthusiastically on board to having kids, before you discontinue birth control.
Post # 11
Women become mothers when they get pregnant, men become fathers when the baby is born. I think you just gotta go forward even if he is not gung ho!
And its not true that you won’t be able to travel. We have friends who have a 3 year old and are spending 4 months right now in Thailand. They are loving it!
Post # 12
I hope you still ask your questions! It is still good to know, even if you have a “surprise” pregnancy, it’s best to get all the physiology checked out now and learn about vitamins, drugs to avoid, etc.
Are you sure this isn’t a momentary freak out? This is my first month of trying to conceive, and all of a sudden I had a moment of panic about having to actually carry the baby (not having a baby to care for). I’m like…OMG, I’m going to be so uncomfortable and tired and can’t travel..(I get motion sick and have to take bonine)..hehe…It still scares me, but I think if you didn’t have ANY concerns, you would be taking the choice to conceive a child too lightheartedly!
My hubby also isn’t as excited as me, but you can’t let it bum you out. I think for some men they feel all this pressure when they become responsible for a little one and possibly might become the only salary in the household. That doesn’t mean that they don’t want the kiddos, though.
Plus, sometimes guys don’t realize all the preparations you need to make for your body! They just think they can flip a switch and start trying. I had to explain to mine that just bc I went on prenatal vitamins didn’t mean we had to start, it just meant we had to go on them if we wanted the OPTION to start (3 months later…). There is some pyschology concept that *loss has more influence than *gain. So, you could frame it as…”if I don’t ask today, I’ll lose my chance and have to pay for another visit next year before we can try, and we might miss a window of when we decide to start TTC” Good luck!
Post # 13
This is an older post – but I’ll add my two cents 🙂
My husband has some of the same thoughts about having kids. “It’ll never be the same” 🙂 “Will I still be able to go out West and snowboard every year?” 🙂 “Our life is over as we know it”
These are all very valid thoughts and something to talk about. In a way – it’s true. Life will never be the same. But that’s not a bad thing. Couples who go into this baby thing without really thinking about how much it’s going to effect their lives are somewhat niave and irresponsible. Talk to him about his concerns. “You’re right honey – our budget will have to change when we have kids.” Make a list of your priorities. Travel is one of ours – and we’re willing to give up other things to make sure we can still travel when the little ones come along. With AND WITHOUT them.
Don’t always look at what other couples with kids do and think that is your life. We have some friends that NEVER LEAVE HOME. That’s not us. We have other friends that are still invovled in just as many activities post kids as they were pre kids. These are the couples and stories you need to share with him!
Another thing is that I ALWAYS want to talk and dream about kids. My hubby is just NOT into this. Doesn’t mean he isn’t just as excited as me. He’s just different. Some couples don’t sit around and name their kids as soon as they get married! We’re twelve weeks into pregnancy and still haven’t talked about baby names too much!
Even though I wanted to keep our TTC (Trying To Conceive) just between the hubby and me… I did share with my best girl friend. This gave me another outlet of someone to talk ‘babies’ with other than my husband! It WAS very helpful! My husband didn’t get annoyed with me – plus I had some great girl gab time! I’d highly recommend it!
We also took a huge ‘pre-responsibility’ trip prior to TTC. We went to Thailand for 3 weeks and I’d highly recommend planning an adventure like this with your hubby before you TTC. Maybe that would help some of your hubby’s fears!
I agree with everyone else – ask your questions and do your research. Take the steps to prepare your body like heathly diet and exercise. When the husband is ready – you’ll be ready. And he’ll be thankful for all the pre-work you put in!