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Not unreasonable at all. This would have been a deal breaker for me.
No you are not being unreasonable.
He is being quite unreasonable.
I am actually shocked that you haven't spent a christmas together with your husband. I think it is completely reasonable to have your family come and visit you guys. This way you could do an early or late christmas with his family or even do a big christmas at your place with both families.
I think you really need to sit down and talk this out with your husband. Maybe you could try and see where he is coming from because as of right now I don't understand where he is coming from.
You are certainly not being unreasonable. Navigating the holidays has been one of the most difficult things for my FI and I as well. It's a very emotional time, and no one really likes to give up something that is important to them.
I would encourage you to sit down together and try to work out a system that works for both of you. Marriage is about sacrifice, and sometimes that means giving up things that mean a lot to you. However, I totally believe that if you express how important this is to you, that your husband will try to work with you. If not, I suggest going to couples counseling so that you can get a third party to mediate the situation.
In my opinion, your husband is being unreasonable, but he is probably just having a hard time letting go of his past traditions. (I cried for like a week after we decided to split the holidays). I think having a third party there to call him out on it may be helpful.
You're right. He's being extremely selfish. It's awful. You need to stand up for yourself and your family.
Wow. I can't understand why he wants it to just be you 2, christmas is about family. We spend Christmas day with my family and then the day after with his family, or sometimes christmas eve. He needs to be more receptive to your family for sure.
I think the unresonableness is in the absolute of him saying he will NEVER go see your family.
Holidays are a big issue for me and FH too (in the opposite sense). One huge reason is money. I cannot take off work and spend 500+ dollars on airfare even just every other year (at least not at this point in our lives) but I fully expect once we are more settled to take turns with the "big holidays" like thanksgiving and christmas, are there maybe more issues involved or is it really that he just flat out refuses?
I'm sorry about your situation. Holidays are a tricky situation with merging families. Have you been able to find out why he never plans to spend christmas with your family? Sounds like there is something there that he is not saying. I don't think spending time with his family and not yours is fair and I don't think spliting up is a great idea either. I agree with you that holidays are about time with family. Maybe your husband is just waiting some quiet time with the two of you?
And I just want to add, that we've only been married for a year, but we have been spending the holidays together for 5 years. We always spend holidays together
I think the way he's going about this is totally unreasonable. I somewhat understand an irrational (and prob unfair) desire to be with "MY" family on Christmas because honestly I kind of feel the same way. The idea of not spending Christmas in my parents' house is really really sad to me and I have kind of requested we do spend Christmas with my family every year... but its not a demand its a request and one that will be negotiated (and probably renegotiated over and over again). Everything is compromise. If I want this, he wants that... we find some middle ground. What works for us might not work for other people and honestly if he ever really pushed to spend Christmas with his family we probably would... but he just doesn't seem to care that much and I really do.
Bottom line is if it is important to you, he can't just say "no" imo
I don't have any great advice, but this is something we struggle with too and my heart goes out to you. It's probably the source of our biggest fights, and there's really no way to avoid the subject. I've found that if we just take one Christmas at a time (ie not try to plan them out- one at mine, one at yours, etc) that seems to be better. But you're absolutely justified to feel like he is being unreasonable. Family and Christmas can bring out the "nuts" in people. Just keep strong and stand up for yourself and your side of the family :)
Thanks, these are helpful. One thing I should have said before is I am extremely happy in my marriage. In pretty much every other area we are pretty conflict free. I love him, respect him, laugh with him, and he is a very reasonable person on almost every issue -- even if we disagree, I understand where he is coming from. So that's why this situation is so hard -- I don't get it on some level.
I think you guys are right -- we need to sit down and have a civil conversation where we try to hash things out and come to an understanding....
I would also like to add that DH and I have been together for 7 years and we have spent 7 christmases together.
To us the day itself doesn't matter as long as we get to spend some time with both families over the holidays. However, our families are within a 3.5 hour drive. With a further distance we would probably spend thanksgiving with on family and christmas with the other. Switching every year!
I hope you guys can work something out!
He's being very unreasonable. You definitely should have a chat with him and explain how important it is for you guys to visit with YOUR family for holidays too. I'm guessing since your parents live so far away you only get to see them a few times a year. I'm baffled as to why he's pissed that your family is flying out to visit! That is so bizarre to me. Holidays are about spending time with loved ones, in my opinion. If he doesn't understand that...he's extremely selfish.
I am so sorry! I feel like you are being totally reasonable and he is being very selfish. I don't know how you fix this problem, but just wanted to let you know that I don't think you are in the wrong at all.
I do not think you are being unreasonable. I think that your husband is. Why doesn't he want to see your family too?
Can you explain to him, and site multiple, specific examples, of how you are doing all the giving and he is doing all the taking when it comes to holidays? Since this is an emotional subject try not to get emotional and heated about it, just talk to him.
I can sort of understand the husband's side. I am the same way in that I'd prefer to spend christmas just us 2 together. I hate all the stupid family drama and everyone is always upset about something but that is my way of avoiding it-- if we can't decide, and if our families can't behave themselves, then nobody gets it and we spend it alone.
Frankly it's been great. And I live less than half an hour from most of my family. We are our own family and it relieves so much drama of who's going where and who's eating what and who spent too much on little jimmy's present and grandma can't walk up the stairs so we have to do things here etc.
I like to pretend we moved to hawaii or something. Thankfully he's amenable to it.
This would be a huge deal for me! My situation is a bit different in that BOTH families live quite a distance (I'm in DC, his family is in FL and mine is in CA/MI) We have always switched on and off Thanksgiving/Christmas with each family and last year my family even flew to FL to spend it with his family...which was great. Family is extremely important to both of us so we compromise.
I would be extremely hurt if he said he would never visit my family at their house for Christmas. I am very sorry you're going through this, but I understand how you are very hurt by this!
You are not being unreasonable. Holidays used to bring us a lot of stress, but now we just take it one year at a time. Things have thankfully pretty much been figured out between the hubby and I, but now drama is with some family because we've been trying to change things a bit to maximize the time everyone spends together. All I know is if we could never come to an agreement it would be a huge dealbreaker for our marriage. And I really feel for you, holiday planning is such a headache!
I think any time a partner declares they will “never” do something that is a family activity that the other partner cares about, that’s being unreasonable. Being married means you have a partnership, and being in a working partnership means both sides have to compromise. I think he is being very unreasonable, especially considering that his family “gets” every other holiday.
I don’t think its weird that you and your husband spend Christmas apart. My husband and I have never spent a Christmas together (we’ve been together 4.5 years), and we won’t spend Christmas together until we have kids – and only then because we plan to hold Christmas at OUR house to ease family “holiday time hogging” conflict.
I think though, that it’s important that you communicate to him what you said here – how you view Christmas, how important it is to spend that holiday with your family.
If your parents are flying in, and your in-laws are 15 minutes away, is there any reason why you can’t host a joint family Christmas at you/your husband’s house? Maybe that could be a middle ground? Hugs – holiday time is a difficult subject – it’s already annoying me and my husband, and neither of us care at all for Christmas.
Nooooo your husband's being unreasonable.
We were/are in a very similiar situation. Dh's WHOLE (entire) family lives 30 minutes from us. We see them for mother's day, easter, father's day, birthdays, thanksgiving, christmas, the list goes on....we meet them for lunches, breakfasts, etc. My parents live 5 hours away and they want us to come visit for holidays. Mom's always telling me we have to be "fair" and stuff. A good compromise so far (since my folks are retired) is for them to come visit us and us to all do a big family christmas together. I think it's strange your husband wants Christmas to be just the two of you. In reality, would it even be? or would his mom be coming by to celebrate and give you a gift? C'mon now, hiding out on Christmas would never work! We had this talk a few years ago because Dh was very selfish about not wanting to leave his family for christmas. Basically, tough shit--because sometimes you have to trade off, you know? He may not LOVE it, but it is what it is (to be fair, his family christmas is a lot more fun, but that is NOT the point at all). I think you need to sit down and explain to him how selfish and hurtful it is for him to say that--that doing christmas just the two of you isn't even right, either, when you have families that want to celebrate with you. Ask him WHY it's okay to celebrate all these events with his family and shaft your family. Ask him how he'd like it if the tables were turned...because it's not fair, is it? No. You do have to compromise and he needs to get that drilled into his skull. it is not all "his way or the highway". I think maybe the idea of change/sharing holidays is sort of personal to some people--it's not what they're used to doing. Even now, the other day, DH told me that if we have to do christmas with my family next year, maybe we should leave by noon so we don't miss out on ALL the celebration with his family. Well, it is what it is--if we can fit them both in on one day, all the more power to us. And i feel the same way about having my family up to spend it with his family--i dont' get how he doesn't see that it is important for YOU to spend it with YOUR family, too! But i know my family would be okay doing Christmas eve with us, so we could travel up, too....amd we've talked about 'giving' my parents 4th of july and trying to divvy it up a little so it's not ALL his family functions.
argh, good luck babe. i totally understand where you are coming from because we have been there, done that, and everything in between.
You are not being unreasonable at ALL! He really needs to learn to compromise and share his time. Since my fiance' and I have been together (we just got married last month) we have alternated Christmas since my parents live about 10 hours away and his parent are about a 5-6 hour plane ride.. We stay home for Easter, Thanksgiving, etc and every other year our parents get us. lol
This is a tough situation and I wish you the best of luck, sometimes we wish we could be like "Four Christmas'" and go on vacation instead! lol
I know this is probably a REALLY bad example but do you want Teen Mom? Remember when Ryan (the dad) wanted Bentley (the son) for an extra night and Maci (the mom) just COULD NOT understand it. When they sat down with someone, they laid out the schedule and Maci realized that letting Ryan have Bentley for 3 nights a week instead of 2 nights a week still leaves her with Bentley majority of the time.
Anyways, I think you guys should sit down and come up with a schedule. Document what are "big holidays" in your book. Do mothers day and fathers day count? Write down where you were for all big holidays for the past 2-3 years. See what has been "average" for you. Then decide how you will hand the future. Maybe when he sees it on paper, he will understand that having christmas with your family hardly compares to the tons of other holidays spent with his family.
How frustrating! Sure, most people would love to spend every holiday with their families, but when you're married you compromise. I would be very curious why he's okay with spending every other holiday with his family, but when it comes to seeing your family, all of a sudden he wants it to be just the two of you. How would he have reacted if you had told him that you didn't want to spend Thanksgiving with his family but wanted it to be just the two of you?
I guess I'm going to go against the grain here and say, I personally think it's okay to spend some holidays apart - Holidays are a tough decision for us as well, but the way I see it is that we only see our families a select number of times a year and we see each other EVERY DAY. I think it's acceptable to take a break sometimes, we always celebrate the holidays together but not necessarily on the correct day :)
HE's the one being extremly unreasonable! Have you asked him why he's against spending the holidays with your family? I just don't understand it, and i wish i had some great advice to give you. all i can say is, stick up for your family, and try to find out what his deal is, if you can. this would be a HUGE cause of fights and stress if my husband had said that, i can only imagine! try to talk to him, and try to get him to see how unreasonable he is being.
Thanks all. I'm really hopeful that if we have a calm discussion where I lay our my feelings and why I believe he's being unreasonable, he will agree to compromise. I will update at some point (I may wait until after the holidays to bring this up) to tell everyone what happens...
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So, I'm a very regular poster but I'm going incognito. (Mostly because anyone could tell pretty easily who I am by looking at my other posts.) I know it isn't good, but I just dont' feel right airing my serious marital conflicts under my public profile...
We have been married for two years. We live about 15 minutes from my husband's family, and we spend what I believe is a lot of time with them -- I see members of his family once or twice a week on average. For the most part I get along great with his family, but his Mom goes off the deep end once in a while and she has said some hurtful things to me on several occasions. My husband really hates when his mother does it, but usually we don't respond and it just blows over and everything gets back to normal after a week or two. I navigate this well, but it does take an emotional toll. I mention this all to say: I spend a lot of time with his family and I put up with a fair amount of craziness. But I'm ok with it, and I don't complain -- I know that families are hard and I want him (and us) to have a good relationship with his family even if they are a bit crazy.
My family lives far away (several hours by plane). I am close with my parents and I miss them a ton. My husband has flown out to see them a few times, but not a huge amount.
Here's the hard part: holidays. Since we've been together, I've spent every holiday except Christmases with his family (Easter, Thanksgiving etc). But for Christmas, ever since we've been together (and even after we've been married) he stays here and I fly to see my family. This year, my parents have come to visit us for Christmas. Recently we got in a fight and he expressed anger that my family was visiting for Christmas. I felt that this was extremely selfish. My parents would be alone otherwise, and they are willing to fly all the way out here to see us, and he doesn't want them here. During this fight, I said that at some point he would need to actually spend a Christmas with my parents at their home, and he said he would "never" do that. He says he wants to spend Christmas "just the two of us with no obligations." But I don't understand that. For me, that's just not what Christmas is about. I want to be with family, and I'm willing to alternate Christmases with my family and his, but if he is "never" going to spend Christmas with my family in their home, this doesn't seem fair!
Am I being unreasonable? Is it ok for a spouse to never travel to be with his in-laws for Christmas? I'm really lost and angry and any advice would be MUCH appreciated. Thanks.