Our Engagement was Announced WITHOUT our Permission by Mom/Gram

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
4163 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Unless you specifically asked them not to share the news, they probably thought they were free to. (We told our families not to post on FB until we did, as we wanted to make sure certain people found out directly from us.)

Stinks, but I’m sure no harm was intended. 

Post # 3
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with the PP, it sucks, but unless you told them it was a secret or not to say anything, they didn’t really do anything wrong. For all your mom knows you’d told your best friend already.

Post # 4
Member
2250 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Agree with PPs. I honestly they were just trying to share their excitement at your news. In this day and age when information is superfastandavailable it’s hard to keep something that big under wraps for weeks, especially if you didn’t ask them to NOT share until a certain date.  

Post # 5
Member
1878 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Valparaiso, IN

I’m sorry. 🙁 

although if you didn’t tell them to not tell anyone yet, they were excited for you. 

theres really nothing you can do about it now. The cats out of the bag. :/

Post # 7
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Wow, that’s a lot of drama and a lot of people not minding their own business.

Firstly, congratulations! It sounds like you have a lot if people who are happy you are getting married.

The only thing I can say is you likely knew how your family members were prior to telling the about the engagement. If they’re the type to post their lives on facebook you maybe should have been explicit in telling them not to do so and your reason for this (temporary) FB ban. Same goes for the gossipy grandma. It sounds like they’re excited for you, but either you didn’t share your plan or they didn’t take it seriously. Talk to them and explain your disappointment, but don’t make a bit thing about it and just enjoy the celebration. I’d als o tell those who don’t know about it yet because if it’s on FB they’ll likely know soon and you probably prefer to be the one they hear the news from. 

We told our parents we are getting married, but have sworn them to secrecy (my siblings don’t even know).  To the best of my knowledge they’ve respected our privacy. 

 

Post # 8
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I feel you! I stupidly told my parents, I SPECIFICALLY asked them THREE times, to not tell ANYONE, not even my sister, until we had the ring, and not to tell anyone about our potential date and venue, that we would tell evryone ourselves in person. My mum preceeded to tell every single person on my side of the family, and the worst bit is I know she did it on purpose, not only did I ask her three times, but she doesn’t support our marriage and did it out of spite. When I told her how diaspointed I was she just said “and you think you’ve never disapointed us?” and started laughing. I am SO sorry it happened to you, it is slightly heartbreaking when this is one of the biggest events of your life and all you want to do is tell the people that mean the most to you. The only thing I can think is that it’s done and can’t be undone. If she’d told everyone about you wedding date/venue ideas, you could unleash your inner bitch, change your plans, and make your mum suck it up, and call everyone telling them she got it wrong 😉

Post # 9
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

smshelley:  Of course it’s your announcement to make, but there’s only so many people to “announce” to.

Obviously your mom’s opinion of Facebook is not yours because she has one, so she was probably excited about your engagement and wanted to share that excitement with her friends. I’m willing to bet that most of her friends are not your friends and you wouldn’t have announced to them anyway. So at what point then is it “ok” for her to let her friends know about your engagement?

Like I said, it sucks, but it’s not like it was malicious and if you didn’t say otherwise she probably assumed you’d already told everyone you were going to tell.

 

Post # 11
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

smshelley:  I’m actually kind of surprised by the other responses you’ve had so far. Personally, I don’t think you should have to explain to family that they need to not post your engagement news on FB, or spread the word themselves. I believe it’s a given that it’s your news to circulate, and just part of the social norm.

I do agree with you and the PPs that I’m sure there was no ill intention and it’s just a sign of how happy they are for you, but I’d also be quite disappointed to have things go that way. I’d let yourself feel annoyed for a bit, then try and shake it off, and keep in mind that since your family might not be good with these situations then in the future you may have to spell out when things are to be kept off FB etc.

Congratulations, by the way. Hope this doesn’t dampen your excitement! 🙂

Post # 12
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

smshelley:  I’ve learned this lesson, too- unless you specifically tell someone not to say anything, the likely think it’s open territory- or that once you’ve shared it with them, you’re sharing it with everyone.

My SIL’s were over- and asked if we had picked a name for our baby.  I said “yes”- but then they wanted to know.  I sort of felt obligated to tell them- since they offered up thier baby’s names (w/o me asking)– before they were born. So I told them.  

I had no idea they were going to go and share it with MIL/FIL and whoever else they felt like telling.  I never told them not to say anything- I just supposed that since it’s “important” info, they might have the decency to let US share. 

At one of our nephews bday parties which I opted out of, DH was there, as well as the rest of the family- when FIL tells DH that he heard what we’re naming the baby and he’s not fond of it.

 

After talking to my husband– he said “Sorry you didn’t know- but if you tell my sisters something like that, they are going to tell my parents, etc…so now you know.”

I suppose I should have guessed, since it was always MIL texting us the sex of my SIL’s babies– not my SIL’s– they just let eachother share everything.

Yes, you have a right to be annoyed, but next time- cover your bases by asking others not to share.

Post # 13
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

I’m going to go against the previous posters about how you didn’t tell anyone to specifically not to tell others. I don’t understand the entitlement of needing to share news of other people (family or not) that is not yours to share. Someone is pregnant and just told me? Not my news to share. Someone has cancer and just told me? Not my news to share. What’s the difference of being engaged? It’s not my news to share. I witnessed a friend of mine get engaged (her boyfriend asked us to help), and another friend right away announced it on Facebook–pictures and all! And the poor newly engaged girl’s parents didn’t even know yet! Needless to say she got a pretty nasty phone call only a minute later, when she was planning on calling them a few moments later.

Unfortunately nothing can be done now, but this is more of a warning of who you decide to announce to for all the other bees. 

Post # 15
Member
3552 posts
Sugar bee

smshelley:  IT definitely is your news to announce.  That was wrong of your mom to do that.  I remembered when we asked my MIL to not tell anyone about our preganncy until I was out of the first trimester and she blabbed.  That really pissed us off.  Our news, not hers.  My mother was able to keep her mouth shut and this was her first grand child…the nerve of some people

Post # 16
Member
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

((Couldn’t resist. 😛 My mom stole my thunder as well. It happens.))

 

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