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may i ask how old your FI is? in all honesty, a lot of this behavior indicates a lower maturity level, so i'm not sure if it is an issue of him simply being younger and needing to grow up a bit or if these are habits they he is set in his ways with and might not go away. i feel for you- those are all a bit shocking.
pardon me, i did not read carefully enough to see that you are already married. if you are already man and wife and this is still going on, i think that is a really big issue and while it appears you have already spoken to him about these issues, it might be better if he hears it from a third party (i.e. counselor).
Think of the show "Everybody Loves Raymond." Do you want to live like Deborah for the rest of your life?
Wow. There are so many things wrong with this I don't know where to start. I agree with you that there isn't anything wrong with your DH being close to his Mom, but he is taking it too far and violating your trust by telling her personal things about you and sharing your secrets without your consent. Also, his Mom took it too far by getting involved and trying to start something.
I don't really have any advice, but I would definitely not stand for this. Good luck and i hope he comes around!
There are a million things wrong with this situation. I'd say counseling, stat. Go alone if he won't go with you.
@ "Him and his younger brother (17 years old) like to lay in their mother's bed and watch TV or just fall asleep"
i dont know whether this is cute or scary.
Do you guys live close to her? You need to get away or something. I would say make him unavailable; maybe go do stuff away for like 4 weekends straight just spending time just the two of you. That way he can used to not always being around his mom.
It'll work out, hang in there!
@Mrs. Meowerson - He's 23. He has heard it from a 3rd party. We had pre-marital counseling and we discussed not involving other people in our relationship. He says he know lots of other men who have this sort of relationship with their mother. It's just not natural to me.
@Mrs.Alias - I don't know if he tells my secrets. I surely hope not. I just know that they tell each other things that no one else knows about.
I agree about counseling. To have a healthy marriage, it's crucial that the two of you are on the same "team," rather than taking sides with your families against each other. There's a good chapter about this in John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - you (and he) should check it out.
I agree with the other ladies - if you have tried to talk to him, maybe a third party would be helpful. I agree that this is a little strange - he should lean on you, his wife to help him if he doesn't have time to cash a check.
Is your husband really young? From your posts, I'm hoping that he is 23 or younger. If he is above 25, well, um, I really don't know what to say. Good luck though.
Your DH and MIL and BIL ALL need serious counseling. That's not a funny or sarcastic remark, I'm quite serious. Sleeping in their mother's bed? It's called uncosummated incest. It's quite serious, and is a failure of their mother to set proper boundaries. It results in all kinds of behavioral issues, one of which being co-dependency, which is sounds like your DH and BIL both have. Really you can't do anything about it besides suggest they all seek counseling, after which they will all jump down your throat and ask you what right you have to make accusations like that and how dare you and such. It's a no-win situation. They will continue to be sick and you will continue to have to live with it and love it...or not.
@Aubergold - Yeah it's a little odd to me. In my family we didn't hang out in each other's beds for fun... Also yes we live about 15 minutes away from each other. It's like pulling teeth trying to get him away from work though. He doesn't have the weekends off so that's pretty much out.
I don't know what a healthy mother/son relationship is but Idk if I can deal with this for much longer. It was getting much better and now it's worse. If she will put my aunt on facebook because my husband is mad at her, then what will she say about me!
well, if you had premarital counseling and discussed all these issues there, did the behavior change before the wedding?
I agree with most things said here. He and his mother need to recongize that you and your husband are now a family. Being young (yes, 23 is fairly young) it's hard to realize that you and your wife and child are now your #1 family. BUT, he needs to do this.
Also, I agree with your aunt that swearing under a facebook photo of a child (or at all) is tacky, but she shouldn't also be saying anything to your husband about it.
All in all, he needs to start acting like a man. He's acting like a boy. It sounds like you have a child together and that he's actually a father... so he needs to act like that too. Be present at home, manage his finances, clean up his language online and elsewhere, and treat you like his #1 partner.
@Ms. Meowerson - Yes it did. His mother even stopped calling as often! It's been okay up until today.
i think the facebook aunt situation and the husband's relationship with his mother situation are two different issues.
well, it sounds like he responded to counseling before the wedding and it had some impact, so it definitely sounds like counseling is the way to go again.
You are in a tough situation!
My husband is very close to his family, and his mom does a lot for him. They own a dairy farm, and that was how the roles were growing up - MIL took care of the guys, picking up after them, waiting on them with food and drink, because the guys worked very long days of manual labor. DH leaned on his mom to work out his insurance, banking, bills, etc...
We have had to gradually shift the responsibility from his mom to DH and I. It's frustrating at times, for instance his mom getting us homeowners insurance without talking to me beforehand, but we worked it out and I was able to take over and make sure things were done the way they needed to be. My MIL loves to spoil her boys, and so she won't "make" them do anything. DH doesn't tell his mom things first and they don't share secrets. But he does talk to his mom and dad a lot and lean on them for advice.
I know that you are already married, so it's a situation that might be difficult to work on since it sounds like it's been this way for a long time. But you need to stand up for yourself. Regardless of the facebook thing, this is a serious issue that will likely be made worse when you have kids, if you don't already. Your husband is a married adult, so at the least if he won't make his own dr apts or do his own banking, it should be you who does those things, not his mom. You should be the first person your husband goes to for most things.
I agree with the comment about Everyone Loves Raymond. That sounds like where you're headed, if your're not already there. I'd talk to your husband as calmly as possible and let him know what things you want to change and why. You need to take some responsibility for letting things go on the way they are, but talk to him about how it will improve your relationship with each other if you are able to trust and depend on each other and feel like you are the others' priority. This might be helped by involved a marriage and family therapist as well.
I agree with previous posters and say counseling asap! good luck to you!
I think it's great that you did pre-marital counseling and think you and your husband would benefit from giving it another go & focusing more on this issue. It isn't healthy and he needs to realize that this could seriously jeapordize your marriage! Good luck!
Additionally, I would have a very frank talk with your aunt & tell her to keep her opinions to herself.
also, mightysapphire, i dont think the OP is saying that her husband is sleeping in the same bed as his mother, i think she is saying he is hanging out on her bed watching tv.
I don't think you're being irrational. Of course I don't know what their relationship is really like but from what you've written here it's a little bit creepy. Especially the bed-sharing part. IMO, a mother shouldn't want this type of a relationship (as described) with her son; she should want him to independent & thrive on his own. I'd feel like a total failure if my adult married son was still treating me like I am his entire world. That stuff should stop at around age 12.
Counseling will be a tough sell since this is how your husband was raised. He probably doesn't see anything odd about it, correct?
EDIT Whoops, maybe they don't actually share the bed...rather he hangs out there without her present. Sorry if I misinterpreted.
@Edina - That's exactly what I said to him once. I told him I would want my son to be out on his own and for his wife to never feel like I do. And no, he doesn't see this as strange.
@FutureMrs.Taylor: It's gotta be so tough. And I don't really blame your husband for not thinking there is a problem. I know someone that has raised her son to fear the whole world and not want to do anything without her. He's 23 & never dated. He won't drive on the highway. They just bought a house together. The kid never had a chance. I think their situation is what MightySapphire posted about and it's...ugh.
I would be so frustrated if I were you! I'm sorry I have no real advice other than counseling.
@FutureMrs.Taylor: Oops, sorry I misread. I thought they were bedsharing.
In any case, the fact that he doesn't see this situation as odd would alarm me. It will make him very resistant to change because he doesn't see the problem. I second the idea of making a list of behavior you find inappropriate, but also tell him what WOULD be appropriate. E.g. You write that he tells her things first and then you when he should tell YOU first, THEN her. Things like that.
Thanks ladies. I just don't even know the right words to say to make him see that this is odd. I have always felt that husband and wife were a unit that came before all and I think he might see things a little differently. He says he doesn't and me and our daughter come first but every time I mention something his mother did or said he's down my throat.
I've never gone to my mother about things, let alone every detail of my life so I really don't understand. Was this supposed to stop once we got married? What can I say to him to really get my point across?
Well, my FI is a mama's boy... and when we first started dating it weirded me out how much time was spent at his mom's house. He... and we... do still go a lot, but it was always a check in, grab mail (he never changed his address to his apt), and eat their food deal. No beds were involved, secrets, or putting her in the middle or as a priority. But, she did make appointments and do stuff for the sake of helping him out.
As our relationship developed, he visited less and less. We bought a house (mind you only 1 mile down the road) but almost every visit we do together and usually only on Sunday's (i.e. once a week.) He's changed his address and She now jokes about how food is spoiling in the house because he doesn't need it anymore.
So, I would suggest counseling. Especially as you are already married. Even for the chronic mama's boy, there is usually some sort of changing of the tide when they finally will let go mom and begin their family unit with you.
if this was going on before you got married, i see no reason why he would think it would stop once you got married. you need to be really firm about letting him know this behavior is unacceptable, and i think a counselor's presence would help immensely with that. he needs to know it isn't just you that thinks this is wrong- that it isn't healthy for any relationship.
@KLP2010 - I think that's what she thinks she's doing...helping him out. Sometimes she is but I feel like my role as a wife is being diminished. We're supposed to be best friends. He doesn't visit his mom as often but it's the texting and calling so often that bugs me. Like i'll talk to her and tell her something fairly new that happened and she'll say..."Oh, I know." Because my husband already told her!
@FutureMrs.Taylor: it may be best to talk with a mediator present. I.e. a councilor. In some ways, as you didn't have a close bond with your mom (and I didn't either) it's hard for you to understand the bond he has with his. For him, he doesn't understand why it's unhealthy.
I would focus on things like, when an issue arrises, the two of you need to sort it out. When he has a question about something, you need to be his go to person. When life is hard, you should be who he leans on, and it's YOUR bed he should want to spend time in ;-) I would also talk about how she has no business cashing checks and stuff. I wouldn't want my mom or MIL to have their fingers and mind on our money!
ETA: Ya, I would see someone and bring up the role of the wife. Like the stuff above, you NEED to be the GO TO person in his life. If he saw the Queen of England walking down the street of your town he should want to call you first...
I think it's time for you and your husband to have another talk. There are some things that he can start doing immediately that will maybe send his mom a msg to back off. You guys should determine who is taking care of what chores. There is no reason for his mom to even SEE his checks, much less deposit them. Either you or he can deposit checks, make Dr's appts, and find insurance both for yourselves and your home. These things, IMO, are private between a couple and his mom shouldn't have anything to do with any of this.
Clear lines need to be drawn abt what can and cannot be discussed with parents. Yes, she is still his mom, but she isn't his first priority anymore, you and the family you and your husband have together is. People are only going to respect your relationship and privacy as much as you two as a couple respect it.
There are many aspects to this story that i find disturbing. First I want to ask were you aware of all this before you marru him? you his mom and hubby need to sit down and have a mature talk. He needs to man up and act like a mature person, he needs to understand that his mother is not one of his hommies. As a wife he needs to respect you and the privacy of the relationship. But before the talk with the 3 of you take place he has to understand your point of views and when the 3 of you meeet he will be the referee.
A piece of jewelry doesn't change a man. He was this way before and you married him knowing he was like this. I get that we can't go back in time and change things but as others have said, counseling!!
Everything you listed, gave me goosebumps, honestly. It is creepy.
He says he doesn't and me and our daughter come first but every time I mention something his mother did or said he's down my throat.
If you are saying what I think you are saying, it took a counselor to open DH's eyes on this. His mom could say whatever to him about me. He would fight it sometimes, other times he would "listen". Half the stuff she said was false. Well then he would ask me what went wrong with a visit, I would tell him and he would get mad at me for talking bad about her. Well I wasn't making anything up, he was right there. Anyways, the counselor pointed this out and a light bulb went off.
Can I ask, did your hubby move straight from Mom's house to your shared home?
I'm inclined to think men find it far harder than women to develop the ability to stand on their own two feet, and can often just transfer dependency issues straight from mom to wife.
I know that's not what's happening here, exactly, but it does seem like he feels he still needs her to do stuff for him.
You've also touched on the biggest problem with Facebook etc... no matter what you post, it really has to be treated like the newspaper, someone you didn't think of is always gonna read it! Hopefully your fella has learned this one at least!
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Hi WB Ladies...
As I've said in the past, my now husband is a mama's boy. He loves and will defend his mother until the grave. Which isn't a bad thing. It's just that their relationship tends to get in the way of ours. I feel like he has no need for me because his mother could easily take my place. For instance:
-They share secrets
-He tells her when things happen before I even know about it
-Whenever he's not at work he's at his mother's house
-They help each other make decisions
-Him and his younger brother (17 years old) like to lay in their mother's bed and watch TV or just fall asleep
-Until recently she made doctors appointments for him, has paid his traffic tickets for him, set up insurance
-Cashes checks for him which irritates the hell out of me because I don't want people to know how much money we have
This is just to name a few. Typically, she and I have an okay relationship. She wants me to be closer to her but it's hard when I feel she takes my husband away from me instead of the other way around. I've told my husband how frustrating this is for me, especially when she is in the wrong and he takes her side and gets mad at me. In so many words, he's told me to get over it. Well I've tried to understand their relationship and back off...until today.
I have an aunt who's very aggressive. She says what she wants and can be very bossy. She dislikes the fact that my husband cusses on Facebook. I told my husband to block her and let it go because she's nosey. Well today she texts my husband and says that she didn't like that he was cursed in a comment under a picture of our daughter. My husband got very upset, told his mother and his mother wrote her own little facebook comment indirectly talking about my aunt. Then one of her friends commented.
I got upset at my husband because I believed 1) This was childish 2) He told her. Yes, my aunt was wrong for being in his business because he is a grown man but I think that it was even worse to bring his mother into it who gave her unwanted 2 cents. He claims he was only looking for advice but this is just another of the times when I am sick of this mother/son relationship.
Am I being irritational or what? Please help me.