(Closed) Our First Christmas :(

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@Fair-ytalelove:  See if everyone else can come over as well. That way you can still have a good first christmas tradition and not just feel like he is butting in. Youll miss him when hes dead so just have a stiff upper lip and figure out how to be a family for those 72 hours.

Post # 4
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would write your dad back and let him know that you’d be happy to see him for Christmas, but perhaps suggest just a day visit on the actual holiday.  I think it’s important to be honest and set up boundaries with him now, so he knows what his limitations are.

Post # 5
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

Dear Dad,

I am excited to see you over the holidays. DH & I have actually already made a number of plans to celebrate our first Christmas together as a married couple, so while we’re looking forward to spending some time with you, we won’t be able to host you. Aunt (name) did say that it would be perfectly fine for you to stay at her place. How does it sound if all of us get together on the 25th for dinner at 6pm? (or whatever, whenever)

This is a stinky position to be in – but it’s also a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to establish some new boundaries, carve out you and DH’s identities as an adult married couple in your dad’s eyes, and send a message that he needs to start being more considerate and less take-it-for-granted about you.

 

Post # 6
Member
2107 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

You mentioned that Christmas should be about family.  The way I see it, my husband is my family now, and maybe you should think about it that way as well.  Your husband is now your priority.  You both already had plans, and since neither of you want to break them, let your father know that you’d love to see him, but unfortunately, he won’t be able to stay with you. 

Post # 8
Member
9620 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Fair-ytalelove:  ((HUGS))  Addictions and addicts are hard to deal with.  I call those personality types “vampire people,”  because they feel no guilt in continuing to suck the life out of anyone who will allow them too. 

It is difficult loving someone, even a parent, who has this disorder.  You are wise to keep this toxicity at a distance.  The fact that you’re aware he usually chooses you to be the one to use, because you’re his daughter and he knows you have a soft spot for him (naturally, because you’re a good person) shows that you’ve come a long way in healing and having a clear and healthy viewpoint of his weaknesses. 

He is an adult, he made his choice to live his life this way.  Keep the boundaries firm and strong and don’t feel guilty for protecting the life you have chosen to live. 

Post # 9
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

@Fair-ytalelove:  Glad to be of help! That’s what the ‘Bee is for.

I was thinking about your situation a little bit more afterward, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you get some blowback from your dad about it. Not sure if he’s the type to argue, or sulk and then complain to others in your family, etc., but it might be wise to prepare for it and have a plan for what to say to defuse/deflect it. Maybe something along the lines of,

Dad – I can understand if you’re upset by this, but please try to understand that I’m married now, and DH and I make decisions together because they affect us both. This doesn’t mean that you can never stay with us; but in the future you need to ask us ahead of time so that we can talk about it and make our plans, not just assume that you get to make our plans for us.

(It’d be smart, too, to talk to your aunt and let her know what you want and get her on your side, since she will probably be in a good position to talk to your dad – and she may have to handle some of his grumbling).

Post # 10
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Fair-ytalelove:  

You need to take care of yourself first. That is so important when you have someone in your life that is battling addiction. 

It seems that you do not want him to stay with you, tell him no. Tell you dad that unfortunately you cannot house him but that your aunt has room for him in her home. Regarding the cats, beggars cannot be choosers. (with all due respect)

I have an alcoholic dad too and being around him during the holidays is very hard; unnerving actually. So, I have learned to remove myself from the situation by walking out of the room or removing myself from the conversation. I love my dad, not his addiction and currently, his addiction is ruling his life. 

Post # 12
Member
1691 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@KCKnd2:  exactly this.

You may love your father, but you and your husband have already declined other plans so that you can be together.  YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for his recovery, or for him.  If him staying at your Aunts would push him back over the edge, there is more of a problem there.  As someone with an alcoholic issue in the family I can tell you that at some point you have to stop coddling them and start worrying about yourself and your new family.  You cannot drop everything in fear of what it will do to them.

This is a special time for you both, and it should not be ruined because you are worried about what it will do to your father.  He isn’t being left on the streets, you can still visit him and have xmas with him, but he doesn’t need to stay at your house at the expense of your happiness.

Post # 13
Member
1691 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Fair-ytalelove:  so glad to hear of your update.  Good luck, I hope that he continues his journey to happiness and getting better!

Post # 14
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Great news!
 

Post # 15
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Fair-ytalelove:  wow that is truly amazing. I have no experience with an alcoholic parent so I can only imagine. I’m so happy for you!

The topic ‘Our First Christmas :(’ is closed to new replies.

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