Post # 1
Just a little rant…I need to get this off my chest since I have no one else to tell.
I feel terrible…my husband goes to college and works part time so we hardly get ay time together. I do all the house chores and cooking so that he doesn’t have to worry about it. I did the laundry, folded and put his away, baked dessert, and cooked a delicious dinner. This was our first night together in about a week so I made sure it was nice. I was frustrated b/c our sink clogged and I’ve been having health issues so I might’ve been a little crabby. I forgot what started it, but he started yelling at me and implied that I was a worthless lazy blankity blank. I try so hard to make his life easier! I know he must be stressed so I don’t totally blame him. I went to the store to get out of the house and when I came back it started all over again. He went on another rant about how he hates that I never do anything for him (that matters) I guess feeding him and cleaning isn’t good enough.
He’s currently at work and I still have some really hurt feelings b/c I feel guilty every single day knowing that he’s working and going to school. He never used to have a problem with it. He actually preferred me to be a housewife and I like it. I guess he just knows how to push my buttons. I’ll talk to him about how much he hurt me by saying those things when he comes home.
Thanks for reading. I know this happens to every couple, but I’m just having a rough time.
Post # 3
Aw that sucks 🙁 have you talked to him recently to see how he feels about you not working? Is money an issue? I could see myself being resentful if my fi didn’t work or go to school and I did both. But, it sounds like he maybe didnt handle his frustration in an appropriate way. Sounds like you maybe have to have some serious talks about who does what. Good luck.
Post # 4
I agree with Corgi that the real issue is something else beside the things you do around the house.
Have a heart to heart when you are both calm and see where things stand. I hope that it was just a one time thing, but don’t wait too long to get help if you need it!
Post # 5
I agree with the previous posters. It sounds like there might be something else he is frustrated about that he is manisfesting on to you. A serious talk with him after things have calmed down will be helpful.
One thing I would suggest that you add during your conversation is to eliminate the name calling during your fights. It is very unproductive and so much more hurtful than shouting cuss words at each other. Name calling is personal and fully loaded with emotions. Further, it is less easy to forget by the person receiving it, and boomerangs right back to the person who is calling it (i.e., if he really thinks you are a lazy blankity blank he wouldn’t have married you).
Post # 6
I would definitely have a serious talk with him after you both calm down. I’m sure he was just in a bad mood, but there might be something real actually bothering him that he hasn’t been open about. And of course don’t worry, all couples fight it’s part of being in a relationship!
Post # 7
Did he actually call you names? That is never ok. Ranting & name calling are abusive.
I’m curious about him preferring that you be a housewife. Is that your preference as well? Is he uncomfortable with you being out in the big world & mingling with other people?
Post # 8
I have similar concerns as sassy411. Do YOU want to be a housewife? If you don’t, can you start working part time so you don’t feel bad about occasionally buying something for yourself? As for the name calling, that is never okay. He needs to learn how to express his frustration in healthier ways. I would have a serious discussion with him to see if something else is bothering him and to decide what you both want to do with your lives.
Post # 9
I try to show my husband how much I love him by cooking and cleaning. He prefers I show him I love him by being more affectionate with my words and actions. So perhaps your husband is like mine and he overlooks the things that you are doing for him because it isn’t what he prefers.
I would read the book, Love Languages. I think it’s written by Gary Chapman. It describes the different ways each of us shows love and the type of love that we crave. It might be helpful for you and your husband.
Post # 10
You say that he “implied that I was a worthless lazy blankity blank” – did he actually call you names? If so, that’s unacceptable. I’m with MissAsB – it sounds like the two of you need to sit down, discuss appropriate behavior when it comes to arguments, and have a frank discussion about the roles the two of you will play in your household. If he has changed his mind about you staying at home, or if something else is bothering him, he needs to address the actual issue rather than unproductively (and hurtfully) lashing out.
Post # 11
People actually try to show their husbands they love them through cleaning? That might be the start of the problem. I clean because I want to have a nice, pretty house-not to mention health reasons. Do you want to stay home?
Post # 12
Did you used to work whilst you were engaged? It could be that he isn’t used to having you not contribute by helping to bring home a paycheck every week and he feels like he’s being trapped into playing a role he’s not comfortable with. I also have issues with the way he called you names, or even implied them. He can scream, yell, cry, whatever but he still needs to respect you and calling you names or even thinking that you are lazy is not respect.
The reason I ask about working prior is because this is exactly what DH and I first fought about. I used to work as a freelancer and since the wedding I’ve been going through a career change so I’ve become a housewife for the time being. It’s hard on me but what I didn’t realize that, although DH was really supportive of my career change, it also made him really stressed that suddenly he didn’t have me to count on financially for a while. Sounds like it’s definitely time for the two of you to sit down and figure this out.
Post # 13
@desert_teacher: I would recommend this book as well .
It sounds like this is a classic case that the book would talk about. You think you are “showing love” by cleaning and cooking. If that is not how he receives love though, it does nothing for him. Maybe he would rather a messy house but having you less stressed to be able to relax with him (quality time).
Post # 14
I know how you feel. I’m not married, we don’t even live together. But I do clean and cook at both of our apartments, and he buys the food, takes out the trash, and does most of his dishes. It really ticks me off when he implies that what I do isn’t valuable because he is the one doing the buying. If I go to the store to get the food, put the food away, and cook the food, I’ve put more time into the meal than it took him to earn the money for it at work.
It’s good that he went to work instead of continuing the fight, it’ll give you both some time to cool off, and I bet he comes home with an apology.
Post # 15
Don’t be hard on yourself. I plan on being a housewife for a while at least when we get married. He’s ok with that. Cooking and cleaning are work and you are definitely not lazy. I am not lazy either:). There are just some reasons that I would be staying at home for a while..not cause I am lazy. We are in agreement on it and I may work a bit later on. Don’t take those words to heart, what he said to you. You could say, in a loving way of course, that it hurt your feelings when he said those things to you. Pickin up after a man is a lot of work, lol, especially when it comes to the bathroom? Lol. Why are men so messy in the bathroom?? If my man ever called me lazy, which I don’t see him really doing, I would say, oh yeah? Then you clean off the hair and toenails off the toilet then! Why does he clip his toes over the potty? hehehe. TMI I know.
Post # 16
Thanks for your advice girls. Just to clear some things up I do prefer to be a housewife and he apologized and said that he does appreciate everything I do to make his life simpler. I do everything before he comes home so that we can relax and have some quality time during the evenings. He has never called me names before and it shocked me and he’s still apologizing. I did have a talk with him about how name calling is innapropriate. He admitted that he had a stressful day in class and that he aimed his anger towards me. So, we’re back to being happy newlyweds and everything’s resolved. yay!