(Closed) Our first married couple fight…

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
293 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think you’re crazy at all! Did you and your husband have a talk about your reasons for not wanting to go back to the church so that he understands? I think it makes a lot of sense personally.

Maybe you could convince him to try out visiting some other churches with you and see if maybe he will also like one of the others better? If he could at least visit the other churches with you, he might find that he agrees and prefers that one. If not, then you’re no worse off than you are now. Or is it just that he wants his avoid his parents’ disapproval?

Post # 5
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Sounds like he’s being stubborn. If you are THIS uncomfortable going to a church of course you should change! Church shouldn’t feel like a chore/punishment.

Here’s the thing: Maybe he doesn’t want to change, and are you okay with that? My mom goes to church with my younger sibs sans my step-dad because he was raised Catholic, but isn’t (and hasn’t been since they were married 12 years ago) practicing. He just isn’t super religious. So she goes by herself, or rather with us. (FI and I go, but not “with” my mom.)

Post # 6
Member
3758 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

wow what a rude priest! I don’t blam you for not wanting to go back, that isn’t how church is supposed to be. Its sad that your husband isn’t willing to even try a different church for you =( I hope you can get things worked out!

Post # 9
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

@KansasPrincess11: Yeah, I know it’s not ideal but to be honest I don’t think I’d go back to that church. I agree with you; I think that you were treated like crap and why SHOULD you go back?

Is this your H’s “childhood church?” If so, I assume that is why he’s so attached to it, on top of being a Mama’s boy. But shouldn’t your comfort in a situation – especially a spiritual situation – be pretty important?

Post # 10
Member
293 posts
Helper bee

That’s too bad that he won’t even consider it. I would still try to check out the other churches with your friends in that case. As someone who spent a lot of time as a “third wheel” in younger years and didn’t really mind it, I think it’s probably less of a big deal that you may imagine. It probably depends on the couple, but it’s not like you’re hanging out with them on a date! I’m sure they’d be thrilled to have you come to church with them 🙂

Maybe over time your husband would be willing to spend time at both churches if you’re committed to another one.

Post # 12
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

So sorry about your first married fight. 🙁   You definitely are in a tought situation, but I agree you shouldn’t attend a church you aren’t comfortable at! It sounds like you would enjoy going with your boss and his wife! I would try that and see how it works out. Perhaps you could go with your husband on holidays and maybe every few months or so to his church and then go to this new one the rest of the time? Sorry he isn’t being understanding. You definitely shouldn’t go somewhere you aren’t comfortable!!

Post # 13
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Our first big married disagreement was over where to go to church, so I can definitely relate.

My advice would be to talk to your husband about it. Share your reasons for wanting to find another church (like you did here) and ask him — and really listen — why it’s important to him that he stay at that church. Discuss what you guys want from a church (which may help to talk it through objectively, apart from the emotional attachment he has from being there for so long and your frustrations from the wedding). In the end you may have to decide whether it’s more important for you to go to a church that you like or go to church with your husband.

For my husband and I, we kept talking and hashing thing sout (while going to two different churches) until we were able to come to an agreement, because it was important for us that we go to the same church since it was such a big part of our lives.

It sounds like your husband is supportive of you leaving (at least that’s the impression I got?), which helps. Maybe he’d even be willing to check out other churches with you every other week or something like that so he could still go to the one he’s been going to but also be supportive of your search?

Post # 14
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Ouch. That is really rough. I have an issue with the institution of church in general (not religion), so I am having a hard time finding a church that I feel comfortable in too. However, my husband is ok with that, he understands that my beliefs and feelings are important too.

But, I did go to church with a kid whose mom was Lutheran (what I and her son are) and his dad was Catholic. They both went to separate churches as long as I can remember, and they are still married to this day. So it can be done. I suggest not feeling bad trying out churches with your friends. But keep in mind that this issue will probably resurface when you have kids, so you may want to discuss that before they are born too.

Good luck.

Post # 15
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - MacLean Park

There’s no reason to go back to that church if you don’t find any fulfillment from it. You’re right in wanting to find one that challenges you spiritually, and helps you grow in your faith. I think it would be wise for your husband to at least attend with you sometimes. Can you compromise, and say 1 Sunday a month you attend together, alternating between churches? Then, you can both find the community that you love, but still be able to attend as a family sometimes. I know couples who attend different churches because of situations like this, and I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing. Yet there should still be a bit of compromise from both parties.

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