Weddingbee boards

Currently, I am a waiting bee with an engagement sometime in the near future.  We've talked about wedding ideas in the past, but now we are starting to seriously discuss our plans.  Tonight, I actually got a little emotional during a disagreement and it kind of caught me off guard. This will be a little long and a bit of a rant, but I'll explain the situation...

I moved to Philadelphia a few years ago for graduate school.  We met during my second year.  I graduated last year and was able to find a job a month after completing my program.  I decided to stay in Philly because I know that his work is here and he would be unable to move any time soon.  He is from a small town just outside of Philly. 

I'm originally from NC and I want our wedding to be in NC.  Preferably in my hometown, but as I've started to brainstorm about the wedding, I'm thinking a more convenient location would be Raleigh, NC.  He has known this for over a year of chatting about wedding ideas.  Tonight was the first time he EVER expressed an objection to this.  He said, "We should have a logical reason for having it in NC."  WTF.  Here is the logic that I've discussed with him previously:  

1.  All of my family is in NC, including my mother who has difficulty traveling due to disability. 

2.  His family is not centrally located.  They are spread out in various states.  The only family members in the Philadelphia area are his Mom and Dad.  For this reason, they would have to travel regardless of our wedding location, so why not just have it in NC?

3.  A wedding in NC looks like it will be more affordable than a wedding in Philly from what i am noticing so far.  

4.  We could have a sunday evening wedding if we go for a holiday weekend which would make it even more convenient for out of state guests and more affordable for us.

5.  Instead of my hometown, it could be in an easily accessible city like Raleigh or Durham, NC. 

After explaining this again, he actually said, "Well, if 90% of guests are traveling to NC then why not just have your family come to Philly?"  I had him to explain and he said, "Well, the only family you're talking about in NC is your mom, brothers, and godfather."  I had to kindly explain to him that my family in NC is more extensive than that with aunts, an uncle, many cousins, my neice and nephews, etc.  In fact, his rough estimate of my family comprising only 10% of wedding guests is incredibly off base.  My family is larger than his and I think he forgot since he has only met my mom, brothers, and godfather.  He should meet more family in a couple months when we visit NC for the holidays.  Anyway, I also came up with a 6th reason for NC:  

6.  I made compromises by staying in Philadelphia and leaving my life behind in NC.  Is it too much to ask for us to share our wedding day in my homestate?  Just 1 weekend?  I'm even being logical with the location and recognizing that my tiny rural hometown is not the best option for out of state guests so I'm choosing a city that will be convenient to reach via air (RDU), amtrak, bus, car, etc. 

I guess I'm just really annoyed by his sudden objection, but I also feel bad.  I understand that he probably wants the wedding to be in Philly.  It is probably because of having so many friends in Philly and he is worried that many of them will not make the trip to NC for our wedding.  He is probably placing more importance on the presence of our friends at our wedding, whereas I'm placing more importance on family.  Neither of us are necessarily wrong.  I just hate that he brings up an objection to the location after we discussed a NC wedding so often for the last year and I had allowed it to become a definite thing in my mind.  

I'm also mostly annoyed because he implied that I wasn't being logical about something I've thought about probably more than he has since we ever even began considering the possibility of getting married.  Plus, I pointed out to him that I am being logical, but also there is an emotional aspect to this. Yes, we could get married anywhere, but I know that it'll be so much more meaningful to me if I can bring our families together in NC just for that 1 day.  When I share our wedding photos and memories with our children, I want to be able to point out the different members of our families who were there.  

We can hang out with our friends any time in Philly.  I don't think we need a Philly wedding just so that more of our less close friends can attend.  Besides, he actually forgot that his closest friends in Philly already told him that they would love the chance to spend a weekend in NC for our wedding in the future.  In my opinion, the friends who we care about us the most will try their best to be there.  There will still be an engagement party, bachelor party, and bachelorette party in Philly anyway so those will be good opportunities to celebrate with the majority of our friends.  

I want to make sure I include him in the planning process, but I have a feeling that I'm probably going to encounter more moments when I will need to put my foot down.  Tonight was one of those nights and it hit me that wedding planning is not just the fun process that I had imagined it to be.  It is going to present a lot of frustrations that I had not considered before.  At least tonight, we worked out our differences and he seems to have decided that NC will be an acceptable wedding location as long as we have some sort of party with our Philly friends before or after the wedding.  He seemed to think a second reception in Philly was a little over the top, but an engagement party at our home might be nice.  

@misschickpea:  He told me that he actually forgot about his close friends saying this until I reminded him during our discussion tonight.  We will definitely discuss it more and I think it might even help if I schedule some wedding venue tours when we visit NC in a couple months so that we can check out some of the places in person.  I'm torn between barn type rustic settings in the Raleigh area and modern renovated warehouse locations in the Durham arts district!

@bridetobe7844:  Tonight actually wasn't too bad of a disagreement and you're right about the communication.  We realized that there were a few misunderstandings that basically came from assuming things.  I assumed that a NC wedding was a done deal.  He assumed that the only family I had for the wedding would be 4 people.  Now, we know that we're going to have to sit down and start working on a guest list so that he can see how large my family really is and I need to send him links to information on NC vs. Philly weddings so he can see the price difference.  It actually makes sense that this is the only disagreement so far.  He has so much love for Philly and pretty much complains about most other areas when we go on trips to other cities or states.  I don't think we will even move away from this city, but that is ok since i enjoy living here, too. 

Oh also, maybe DJ and band?  We want both actually.  It would be nice to have a band play during cocktail hour and dinner and then have the DJ ready for the rest of the reception.  I'm thinking of asking my good friend to be my "Man of Honor," but he is also a DJ and I know he would want to DJ the wedding.  I think this could work nicely if we have all of his equipment set up and he could relax during cocktails and dinner before dj'ing. 

@PasteMoo:    @bells:  I added the poll after posting my vent because I wanted to get other bee's thoughts on disagreements that occur during the wedding planning process.  One of the things I love about this community is the support and understanding that is often extended from bees who are at different stages from waiting, engagement, wedding recaps, and family planning.  It wasn't meant to be a poll directly about my post, but it was an after thought that I had because I really wanted other bees to share experiences since I am in the very very early stages of wedding planning.  I guess I could have made the poll more specific about deciding on location?  But really, I was more interested in hearing responses to the question that I asked. 

I agree with both of you actually regarding having the wedding in the bride's hometown.  That is a point that I didn't bring up to him, but I thought about it.  Also, I understand that my vent probably makes it seem like it is a huge issue, but I am considering this a disagreement because really, we resolved it by the end of the discussion.  And that was all it was, just a discussion where I realized he had some concerns about my reason for wanting a NC wedding.  No voices were raised.  I was annoyed by it, but I felt better after creating this thread about it. 

We're getting married in NC.  He is cool with it.  I've actually talked about it with my family and now we need to talk to his family about it when he is ready. As I said, either way, his family has to travel, even if we had it in Philly since they all live in different states so I'm sure they will be fine with an NC wedding. It makes sense to me actually since they are in florida, georgia, northern Jersey, and PA.  As long as it is on the east coast, they don't really have a problem.

@cameronwedding:  Thanks for the advice :)  It will be good to keep in mind during this process. 

@stargurl101:  Exactly!  He is just getting into this wedding planning mindset and considering the options for the first time while I've been thinking about this type of stuff for the last year.  I'll definitely be more patient with him and have a little more empathy.  We work well together and I'm looking forward to including him in the wedding planning process.