(Closed) Our generous hosts want to invite their neighbors

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I would fit them in somehow, because of their generosity in allowing you to use the space. Would they definitely be coming? I can’t imagine going to a stranger’s wedding even if I knew a relative of the couple. Or does he just want to extend the invite as a courtesy?

Either way, as he is hosting I would make room. It would have been nice to know earlier though, right?

Post # 4
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I also wouldn’t invite them to just part of the reception – if they are invited at all they should be invited to the whole thing.

Post # 5
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

That’s tough.  I hear what you’re saying about having people you don’t know at the wedding, and not being able to invite some of your own friends and family.  It sucks, I had to to it too with some of my in-laws friends, but given the generosity of the homeowners, I would be gracious and let them bring their friends as their guests. Don’t seat them at the table with your mom.  I would do some rearranging and figure out a way to seat them with your hosts.

Post # 6
Member
3689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Is the homeowner coming to the wedding?  If so, seat the neighbors with them.  If not, I would hope the neighbors decline to attend.

I’m confused as to why they want to invite the neighbors.  If it was something less intimate, like a summer cookout or Halloween party, sure.  But for a wedding, it seems odd.

Post # 7
Member
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

“I wouldn’t want to go to a wedding of complete strangers, but I understand not wanting to have a big party at your house and not invite your neighbor friends.”

Yes, but FI’s cousin really isn’t the host- you and FI are, you’re the ones with the guest list, and it’s YOUR party. It’s not a BBQ, it’s a wedding. These neighbors shouldn’t trump the people FI has on his B-list. So explain to the cousin where you are number wise, and “if there’s room after all the invites/rsvps”

 

Post # 8
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Ordinarily I would say a host can invite whoever they please. But from your OP it sounds like, for one thing, they aren’t actually hosting. They aren’t throwing the party, sending invites in their name, providing the food and drink and entertainment, etc. They are just letting you use their space. That’s nice of them but it doesn’t make them hosts.

Second, they don’t live there? So the neighbors don’t live next to your venue, but somewhere else? So it wouldn’t be as awkward to not invite them as it would if they lived right next door.

And third, they asked you. If someone asks you, you are (IMO) free to politely say no.

 

Post # 9
Member
4150 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I definitely think you should invite them.  It’s annoying for your seating plan, yes, but it’s something you should do since they’ve been so generous and offered the wedding space.  

On the note of attending a wedding where you don’t know the bride and groom – this is  sort of related – my father and stepmother are paying for our wedding, so I haven’t pushed back on any of their guest list.  On their guest list is 1 person who I have never met, heard of, seen, talked to, or anything (there are also 6 other people who I have only met once and don’t know at all but that’s beside the point).  This person was one of the first to book her travel arrangements and fully plans to be there.  So, I wouldn’t expect them not to come either.  Sorry!

Post # 10
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Another thing about this situation is that your cousin may not care whether the neighbors come or not. They just feel they need to address it with the neighbors somehow. So they ask you, you say no, and they tell the neighbors they’re so sorry, they checked with THE HOSTS OF THE WEDDING (that’s you) and it wasn’t possible. And then they wash their hands of it.

Post # 11
Member
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

There are other nice things you can do for FI cousin’s to thank them for their generosity- this doesn’t have to be it.

Post # 12
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m also in the camp of not inviting these neighbors. Just because FI’s cousin was kind enough to provide the location for your wedding doesn’t mean they get to add to the already tight guest list.  Explain to this cousin that space is limited and all the invites haven’t even gone out yet, but if space does open you’ll let them know. Even if you do end of having space for the neighbors, you don’t have to tell anybody. Good luck!

ETA: Oh, and FI’s cousin isn’t hosting…you and FI are (assuming your footing the bill).

Post # 14
Member
46159 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You are in  a difficult position with the cousin providing the venue, the wine and accomodation in 6 bedrooms.

All of this should be given unconditionally, just like any gift.

I do not think you are under any obligation to invite his neighbours. You are correct in that he was invited to their wedding because he is their neighbour and knows them. You don’t know these people.

I would speak to him personally, not text or email, and tell him that you do not feel comfortable inviting people who do not know you to the wedding, but he is welcome to extend an invitation for them to come over for the drinks and dancing. Often invitations are extended to neighbours in this situation anyhow, because of the noise factor.

Post # 15
Member
962 posts
Busy bee

I’m going to disagree with some of the other bees. I think that since he is providing the alcohol and the venue, you really have to accomodate his neighbors. He is being very generous and for whatever reason he feels socially obligated to these people. Typically, I would say that you are under no obligation to fulfill the social obligations of others at your wedding. However, I think your situation is a pretty clear exception to this rule. This man is lending you his house for the day. How many neighbors are there? 2? 3? I honestly don’t think you will notice them all that much.

Post # 16
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Sounds like you should make this your FI’s call. It’s his side of the family, and it seems like one of your concerns is that you would have neighbors/strangers at the wedding, but not some of his family members. Ultimately, the bride and groom’s comfort level should come before that of anyone else’s.

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