Our relationship has too many downs

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

helpbee123:  are you open to therapy? maybe there is something bothering him that he has trouble opening up about? 

Post # 3
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m sory you’re dealing with this. I think the best thing you could do – and hubby may not initially like it – is to seek a marriage counselor. You two are at an impasse. He needs to grow up and not mope/make excuses, and you need to become more assertive in your communication and how you allow him to treat you. A good counselor (or religious leader, if that’s more your style) could be a very helpful, neutral third party to help you two sort things out. It may also be worth him having a physical if he has no interest in sex – is that new? Is he having difficulty performing? I know a lot of men balk at going to a doctor or therapist, but I’d insist on it. He needs to check back into the relationship with you. There are even therapists who specialize in treating sexual concerns – maybe that would be an avenue to explore, to see how you two can revitalize your sex life and intimacy.

Post # 5
Member
8025 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

helpbee123:  The Seven Principles to Making Marriage Work by John Gottman is a tried and true awesome book. Maybe you can read it together? We’re in the process of doing that now and it’s really opened our eyes to some of our destructive habits- I noticed a couple of no nos from the book in your post. It helps that we can put a name on the habits from the book, and discuss objectively. Takes the edge off.

Post # 7
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I 2nd counceling. DH and I hit a rough spot a few years ago just before we started TTC (seems to be a tipping point for a lot of couples). We saw a therapist who was AMAZING and worked through a lot of our issues. We are now extremely happy and have a wonderful 11 month old! I would go back to our counselor in a 2nd if we ever hit a snag. It never hurts to get a professional outside opinion and help with your communication skills.

Post # 8
Member
1904 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2

helpbee123:  

I think you guys need to communicate better; it sounds like your husband’s not ready but he’s shutting you out instead of admitting it. Counselling might help him talk about how he really feels.

Post # 9
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Mr. Lk and I hit a really rough spot in our relationship about 18 months after we got married. We kept having the same issues pop up over and over again, and we couldn’t seem to get past them. We agreed that if, after a year’s period of time, we were still having the same disagreements, we would seek professional counseling as a way to try and move forward. Well, a year passed, we were still arguing about the same things, I was in the process of looking for a counselor, and we had our biggest blow-out to date that finally brought the real underlying issue to light. Once the heart of the issue was exposed to daylight for both of us to really see, we were finally able to address it together and move forward. But if we hadn’t had that blow-out and that mutual “a ha!” moment, we would have been entering counseling. IMO, there’s no sense arguing about the same things over and over again. We were clearly stuck and in need of some outside perspective to get us un-stuck.

Post # 11
Member
1424 posts
Bumble bee

Does he give you the silent treatment and completely shut you out?  If so I think you should try counseling.  The issue some people have with counseling is counselors don’t necessarily solve problems.  They really don’t necessarily give advice either.  They just ask questions that get you thinking and give you exercises to improve your self esteem, self awareness, and communication.

Post # 13
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

helpbee123: Mr. Lk is a sensitive soul and absolutely hates upsetting me, so I get where you are coming from. A lot of it comes down to how I phrase things, and I must choose my words very carefully in order to avoid triggering that response in him. Sometimes it is inevitable, but many times those emotional landmines can be avoided. I have success when I note an issue in a neutral way that doesn’t blame him, or even allow him to blame himself. “Love, when X happens, the situation makes me feel upset. I feel upset because… . We both want to work on this issue, so can we brainstorm some ways to address x situation?” I never mention him, what he does, etc. I approach it as a situation we both share in, and I approach him as an equal team member in addressing that situation. It’s a technique that helps me initiate productive, thoughtful, level headed conversations about things that may be emotionally charged or otherwise difficult to deal with. Yeah…. it’s all about choosing the right words and saying them in the right way to avoid his instinct for self-recrimination.

Post # 14
Member
1424 posts
Bumble bee

helpbee123: I’m glad to hear he isn’t just totally shutting you out.  To me that is more promising on a communication front.  Except that even though it isn’t silent treatment you still describe it as shutting down for days resulting in you having to tiptoe around him and you can never be sad/mad because it just isn’t worth it (I was in a similar relationship). If he’s really so sad about hurting you I would suggest trying to set up communication rules with him that include talking things out in x amount of time and no moping around.  When I was in the silent treatment relationship I went to counseling by myself and it helped me move on.  But maybe if you go together it could help your communication instead. 

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