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Honestly I'd be annoyed. BUT it looks to me like just another immature comment flying out of his mouth. Wedding gifts are typically for the couple and no, he doesn't understand that. Perhaps ask your FI to say something to him since your feelings are valid (and they were hurt) and Bob does need to know what a wedding gift is actually FOR (you'd be doing him a favor to let him in on what everyone else knows), and then let it go.
A wedding gift for just the groom? I think you are definitely justified in this one! A wedding is usually where TWO people celebrate their marriage. Therefore a wedding gift should generally be for TWO people, ie the couple.
If he wants to provide these tickets, call it a birthday present, or just a guys trip that he thought his friend would enjoy. I would be offended if I wasn't able to participate in my own wedding gift.
My husbands GM did the same thing, got a gift for him. He is really odd and he is even married! I can't believe the wife allowed him to do that. I let it go, its not worth it.
But when I spoke with him and he asked how we like the records (yes he bout records of DH's fav bands for his new sound system). I said DH is really enjoying them. I never even pretended I loved them, but I was very sweet about it.
oh, wow. I would be pissed. I mean, I guess in the end it doesn't really matter if it's a wedding gift, if Bob doesn't realize how rude that already is; I would be more mad about my brand new husband having to take a trip--without me-- and spending OUR money on airfare and stuff.
I would say to my husband, "ok, fine with me, but then I'm going to spend $400+ on that weekend to treat me and my friends to a spa day. How's that sound?"
That does seem strange if it's the only wedding gift he gives you, but perhaps he's also going to bring a gift to the wedding for the two of you, and this is just something special that he can do with your hubby prior to the wedding. Maybe he meant it as more of a last days as a bachelor gift.
I can see why you're annoyed, but honestly I don't think there's anything wrong with this gift. Sure, most wedding gifts are technically for the couple. But honestly, most of the stuff on our registry was picked out by and is used mostly by me, so I wouldn't be upset if someone got something for my husband that was just for him.
Ya, I'd be pretty annoyed too!
I think it might just be his maturity level to be honest. He might not really get the idea of getting married and that it is supposed to be the two of you recieving a gift.
Hopefully that is just part of his gift to you guys?
I agree with the PP's, thats a bachelor party, not a wedding gift. Wedding gifts are something that the bride and groom get to use/enjoy, not the groom and his buddy. Wedding gifts are also not supposed to cost YOU money. I don't blame you for being pissed. I'd probably throw a fit if any of FI's friends pulled that.
@chexmixDC This is exactly what I thought. I initially was going to ask DH to tell his GM that its not an appropriate gift, but realized while the registry is technically both of us, most of it is stuff i use (Kitchen stuff) Granted he benefits from the food, but I am sure he would have rathered other stuff in the end.
I do still hold a silent grudge though.
@LondonAmericana: The game is AFTER our wedding. Our wedding is September 17th, the game is early December. I do see your point though - maybe there will be an additional gift. And it's not that I need or want a gift at all ... but don't offer to take my FI to a game and call that the wedding gift.
@joy2011: The financial aspect was the other thing that bothered me. It will easily be a $600+ weekend when it's all said and done. FI is having a 3-day bachelor party out of town and I have no problem with it BUT I kinda feel like since he's having that, he shouldn't also get this expensive weekend ... especially as a "gift."
We definitely need to sit down and talk about it. I was really pissed at first and then after thinking about it, I thought maybe I was overreacting. I hate feeling like I'm being controlling or telling him "no" ... I guess it just doesn't seem fair (or especially how I want to start our married life together).
@eeniebeans: Exactly ... but he's already having one of those too. The game is AFTER our wedding so to me, it can't really be a bachelor party (b/c he'll be MARRIED). Maybe I'm a little jealous ... I don't know, but it really stings.
I wouldn't be that upset. Honestly, is FI going to care about the gorgeous china and crystal you receive as other wedding presents? Probably not, and let's be real most wedding gifts are for the ladies. One gift from a close buddy that's "man only" would be fine in my book. Let's just hope his gift to you is looking presentable in his tux and not doing anything dumb the day of!
I'd probably roll my eyes, make a sarcastic comment to FI, and then be over it. It's kinda weird but I don't see it as being worth an argument or being pissed off over. Like other bees said, a lot of gifts at the wedding tend to be things that us girls care about much more than the guys, and his friend wants to do something nice for him since he's getting married, I don't think it's a big deal.
I think it would annoy me, but then when I really think about it there was a lot on the registry that was for me. Although I always justified that by saying that all of that nice new kitchen stuff was for me to make my husband yummy dinners and baked goods, so it actually did benefit him too.
Are weddings gifts supposed to "technically" be for the bride and groom? Of course. But look at a typical registry. Most of the items on there are much more for the bride than for the groom (not that many guys care about sheets, towels, china, etc).
I think it is fine for your GM to get a gift that is more for the groom than for you. Plus, you'll have the weekend to have some quality "you" time or hang out with your girls (which is always kind of nice).
PS - I'm totally jealous and want cheap tickets to the Colts/Patriots game. Go Colts!
@Mrs.KMM: That's just it ... I'm jealous too, I'd LOVE to go. And if it's truly a wedding gift, shouldn't I get to be invited?
As far as the registry, our situation is actually different. This is my second wedding and I'm not having any showers. I didn't even want to register for gifts, but at his family's prompting, we did (just this past weekend). FI is also the cook in the family (I clean, he cooks, we both work FT) so he literally registrered for the kitchen items (I had no say, nor did I care to have a say). We don't fit the mold for the typical "Bride registered for china, he should get something special" because the gifts we registered for are truly as important to him, if not more important.
At this point, I'm just going to tell him it hurt my feelings and it's up to him whether or not he wants to go. Knowing the friend, it will probably all fall through, or he won't realize the other expenses involved in going.
@milesbella: I definitely understand what you mean. DH and I were a bit less traditional with our registry too (no china/crystal, DH picked all the kitchen stuff since he's the cook in the relationship, etc). We still had towels and bedding and stuff for me and board games and coolers for both of us but we certainly had some "groom" gifts.
That said, I think that your approach is a good one. Let him know that you are a bit hurt as this is something that'd you like to be included in but I wouldn't tell him he can't go. And as I said before, you could make it a girls spa weekend or something while he's gone.
@milesbella: I would be up front with your FI, and tell him you would like to go in place of Bob. Then, he can break it to Bob. It should have been a gift for the 2 of you, not just him. Plus, he is getting a bachelor party, so I woudl tell him either you 2 go together, or he doesn't get to go. It seems like the fairest explanation, although he may not see it that way
@milesbella: Maybe he didn't mean to call it a wedding gift. Maybe he just feels like he's losing his best friend and wants to have a guy weekend. If he hadn't called it a WEDDING GIFT and say "Hey man, I've got a great guys weekend...(and then carried on with the conversation)" how would you feel about it then?
Yeah, I'd admit, I'd be jealous too - I love football games, especially LIVE when you're there, it's just the most amazing thing!
But, I can also understand where you feel left out. Have a weekend with your girls -- then, go ahead and start looking now for football tickets (e-bay, craigslist) or something like that where you and your FH can go to together.
Yeah, I don't know... I think it's okay to be cranky about this initially, but I don't think it's worth getting very worked up about, or that you should deny him from going or demand that you go in place of Bob. A lot of wedding presents tend to be for the bride, even though they're marked as being for both the bride and groom. I was looking at my own registry the other day and realized that most of it was just stuff that I wanted that my FI wouldn't MIND having, but wasn't as excited about as I was (I love to cook, he... is not so great a cook. We've gotten a lot of cooking and baking and kitchen things, though.) We've tried to balance it out by adding some board games and stuff that he's excited about, but most traditional wedding gifts tend to be kind of girly.
You have the rest of your life to spend with him -- I don't think it's worth fighting over him going away with one of the guys for a weekend.
Yes, it is rude/thoughtless, and as many pp's point out- it's likely due to (but not excused by his level of matury)
But... I think the biggest glaring detail is that in order to accept this "wedding gift," a further $600 investment must be made. Wth?? Usually we call those scams when it's a company trying to give us a "free honeymoon" or something of the like.
If FI can use his own private savings I wouldn't care beyond being a little indignant, but if OUR money was being spent to round out the weekend he'd have another thing coming.
Good luck on your discussion w/your FI :)
So Bob sent a wedding gift....to himself??...oh and your fiance. I think Bob needs to remember who's getting married to your fiance!
I know I am in the minority here but I do think you are being a little selfish. I understand being jealous (I would totally want to go too) but the fact of the matter is that the gift would make your husband EXTREMELY happy. Isn't that the point of it all? Sometimes you have to sacrifice your own happiness to make the person you love happy. In most cases, the groom could care less about the wedding. Not to mention that he just dropped several grand on an engagement ring. The whole wedding is generally centered around the bride. Let him do something to make him happy!
I agree that in actuality a lot of the gifts that are given to the couple are probably not as important to the groom as to the bride. I know my FI doesn't give one flying you-know about china or coffee cups or linens. But the gift is still given to the couple and the groom can benefit from it even if he's not the one who put it on the registry. (What, he doesn't need plates to eat off of?) In this case, the gift is specifically excluding you, so I understand why you feel this way. I do think it is slightly clueless, and more of a bachelor gift than a wedding gift, but I also think that there's not much you can say about it because you can't really dictate the gift someone gives you. Even if you say something to your FI...he can't really dictate the gift either. So while I think your feelings are valid, I don't think they should be acted on.
The bigger issue here, as others have pointed out, is that this "gift" requires your FI to actually spend money to use it. What good are cheap tickets if you have to pay hundreds of dollars to use them? If this friend wants to treat your FI to a game out of town, he should either be shelling out for the travel...or he shouldn't call it a gift and he should just say, "Hey, man, want to go to this game with me? I'll cover the tickets if you wanna go." I mean, it's up to your FI if he wants to do it and if he has the money...but if someone gave me a gift that I couldn't use without paying a significant amount in travel and lodging costs myself, I'd be like, "Um...gee...thanks...thats real swell of you..." (in my head of course).
I'm going to go against the grain and say I wouldn't be THAT upset about it. But a gift is a gift...You (not YOU specifically, but us as people getting married) shouldn't be expecting anything for wedding gifts and I'm sure you'll get gifts that FI won't really care about too.
I'm pretty laid back though, so something like this doesn't matter much to me.
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I find myself a little miffed about a situation and need some clarity. I need an outside perspective to either put me in my place, or agree that this is odd.
There is an 11 year age difference between FI and I - I am older and I also have two children. Maturity and responsibility have never been an issue in our relationship and we argue very little. FI does have some friends that are a little behind maturity wise - so much so, that we've talked about the fact that one, in particular, will probably never settle down and will never mature to the point of being able to be in a serious relationship. We'll call him Bob.
Our wedding is September 17th and Bob is a groomsman. I like Bob a lot, he's a great guy - he's just really immature and tends to create a lot of self-inflicted drama (feels sorry for himself, reminisces on Facebook about high school relationships that he can't seem to let go of, etc.). Bob is 29 years old.
Yesterday Bob sent a text to FI that said,
Bob: "Hey, free your calendar for December 4th - I've got THE most kickas* wedding gift for you."
FI: "Cool, can't wait ... what is it?"
Bob: "I came across some cheap tickets to the Colts/Patriots game - we can spend the whole weekend there."
FI: "No way! I'm in ... but let me pass it by the wife."
Mind you, we live in Iowa ... the game will be played (I assume) in Boston, PA. So FI tells me about this fabulous wedding gift and I honestly thought he meant his friend was getting US (he and I) the tickets ... isn't that what a wedding gift is, for the couple? He quickly corrected me, "No, it's for Bob and I." Ohhhhh.............
Not going to lie, my feelings were a bit hurt and I admittedly feel left out. Maybe if he hadn't said it was a wedding gift, then it wouldn't sting ... but it does feel like a very strange wedding gift to me, one that excludes the bride.
So Bob wants to provide the cheap tickets. Airfare would be $326 RT, not to mention a hotel. FI and I didn't end up discussing it anymore, once I realized I wasn't invited and it was a wedding gift for my FI and his friend.
I'm not sure whether it's the immaturity level of Bob, thinking this would would be an okay wedding gift that I'm having an issue with, or the fact that I'm somewhat shocked and surpised that FI thinks it's such a great gift ... for him, of course.
Am I being selfish? Too sensitive? If he wants to have a guys' trip to a football game - go for it, but don't wrap it up and present it as a wedding gift that excludes me.