Post # 1
Hello everyone! Although I’ve been reading posts on this website for quite sometime, I figured it was time I finally made my own account and posted my own question/comment! So here it is:
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and although we have a great realationship and are leaning towards the marraige side of things, I still have one concern. I am 22, and he is the only man I have “been with” sexually. Unfortuntely, my boyfriend (23) has slept with three different women (before he even met me). He always tells me he would have never been with them if he had known me, but a part of me still feels heart broken about it all. I feel like I waited around for the right man, and he didn’t do the same.
I may or may not be a baby about this, and I know I can’t be the only one out there, so how do/ would you deal with this type of situation? (i.e. jealousy) Should I just get over myself and appreciate what I’ve got, or what? Again I’m not trying to sound childish, I’m just very emotional over these types of things!
Thanks so much!
Post # 3
I think it’s pretty unfair to resent him for something he did before he even met you. He can’t change what happened and he shouldn’t have to apologize for it. He’s with you now and will have no sexual partner but you in the future. If you resent him or feel jealous of him for this, what is that going to solve? He can’t just go back in time and un-do the sex!
Post # 4
I think you’re overthinking it. I am 28 and waiting until I’m engaged. SO is 33 and has had partners in the past. I don’t begrudge him for making those choices. The fact that his views are so different than mine, but he loves me for me, calms any fears about his past, and keeps me from even thinking about it. It is about you and him, and when you let other people into your relationship (his past partners) your relationship will get crowded… focus on the great things you have!
Post # 5
I agree with the others. It’s not fair of you to beat him up for something he did when he didn’t know you and you weren’t together.
Post # 6
I think you should focus on the fact that his past experiences have made him the man he is today, who is the man you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. You can’t resent those experiences, because they are his. Also, I think you should realise it’s only 3 women, which isn’t so bad. When I met my DH he was 25 and I was his 23rd partner – imagine how I felt 🙂 It will take time to move past but I would focus on your own relationship rather than those ones that are in the past and don’t mean anything now. (This may be hard for you to understand, if he is your one and only, how those relationships can mean nothing, but I promise – they mean nothing and you are it for him!)
Post # 7
I kinda disagree with other posters. Past sexual partners and the act of sex does mean something – everytime (how much it means is different per person). And I think that is the source of the OP’s pain.
@meadowlark: Your resentment is understandable but it won’t help. Unfortunately, he cannot change his past any more than you can. You just have to realise that this is part of your “baggage” that you have to just put away. Your FI’s and your past experiences all have to be put behind you and you must just start on a clean slate. Those other people for him were just mistakes after all. They were mistakes because they were wrong for him until he found you. Focus on your own emotional and sexual relationship – work with him to make it the best of your lives.
I hope that helped.
Post # 8
I can see why that might be a little upseting. Esp since he’s your first and only. But I would try to move past this. It’s just one of those things that you cannot control and if you love him you must accept it with him.
Talking about it and focusing on it is just gonna do damage to your relationship. So though its hard try your best to get over it. To me the fact that my SO loved his ex killed me but I just had to let it go.
These things gets better in time.
Post # 9
I remember feeling this way about a high school boyfriend, so I can somewhat relate to it. I even cried over it and yelled at him about the number of people he’d been with before me, even though I knew deep down that it was silly. I haven’t felt that way since… I don’t know if it is b/c I have grown up, or if it is because said high school boyfriend was my first love and first sexual experience.
I think you should just try your best to recognize that feeling jealousy and resentment are unhealthy for your relationship, and try to get to the bottom of why you feel this way. It might also help you to talk to someone about it.
In the 10+ years since the above high school boyfriend, I’ve been in relationships with other people (and so has my FI). I don’t regret those relationships, I don’t regret that I loved other people, and had those experiences. They have made me who I am today. In fact, I doubt I would be able to have the type of relationship that I have with FI if I hadn’t had those experiences. I think it might be best to concentrate on that.
Post # 10
DH is the only person that I have been with while I am his 11th partner, including his ex-fiancee. And he admits there may have been a couple of one-nighters in there that he can’t remember too well.
It gets better. Ten years before we met, we lived across the street from one another! He was only a couple years out of college and I had just graduated. Talk about wishing we had met ten years before! (We even shopped at the same grocery store, on the same days! arrgh!)
It bothered me at first that there were all those other women. But you know what? They taught him well 🙂 And he didn’t marry them or want them to have his babies (the 1st engagement was short-lived and apparently not well discussed.) As he tells me all the time, “They were GF’s, you’re my WIFE. There IS a difference.”
Post # 11
Thank you all for responding to my post. I know jealousy is one of the worst things for a relationship, and it’s something I’m just going to have to learn to overcome.
I was raised in a home that taught me sex was not just an act, that it’s something for people who are in love. The fact that he loved other women, may be a bigger issue than the actual act of having sex….if that does make sense?
I found all of your comments to be very helpful, and the best advice I’ve taken from this all is; he loves me, and I love him. Our past is not only just our past, but it also makes us who we are today. And although, my heart will always hurt a little when thinking about him with other women, I know I wouldn’t choose any other man! : )
Post # 12
Focus on today and tomorrow, not yesterday. He has only been with 3 people before you, not 150. My FI has had more partners than me and I don’t care. I just know that what we have is different from what either of us has ever had before and that is what counts.
Post # 13
we got together at 16, i had been with nobody. he couldnt remember but thought it was abou t 8. it really makes no difference
Post # 14
FI and I have never had the numbers conversation. He is the sum of all of the experiences in his life, sexual and non-sexual. I can’t change the past and neither can he. What is important now is that we are together and committed to each other. Whether he’s ever loved another woman or slept with another woman is irrelevant to our relationship.
Talk to him about how you’re feeling.
Post # 15
If he hadn’t been there- he wouldn’t be here- with you— just keep saying that to yourself
Post # 16
@edisonsgirl: Is 150 too many? Interesting question. Is there a too many previous number?