Out-of-town bridesmaid predicament

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

1) How often to you talk to her about unwedding related things? Do you ask her how things are going with her duaghter? Jobs? All while staying away from your wedding?

2) Do you ever call her? Or just text, e-mail, send links?

If you haven’t done either of those maybe you should try those first. Call her up, ask her how she is doing. Say you miss talking to her. if she continues to ignore you after that then yes, ask her to step down if she doesn’t feel comfortable financially or have the time to commit.

Post # 4
Member
1464 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Just have a heart-to-heart with her over the phone about your concerns.  It needs to be hashed out eventually, and sooner is better than later.

All of my bridesmaids are from out-of-town.  We decided to purchase their gowns for them, and I decided because of their age ranges and body shapes to let them pick their own styles.  We had one bridesmaid who I could tell from the get-go wasn’t on board.  She wanted to know what she needed to do, and I said “show up and look pretty! I don’t need or want any parties!”, to which she expounded on how hard her life was, how short on money they were, how difficult it was for her to get time off work, etc. etc.

I straight up said that if it wasn’t something she felt she could afford that we weren’t trying to financially impoversh our friends and she didn’t need to accept.  I said that I would completely understand her situation and we would still be friends.  She insisted that she could be a bridesmaid.

I sent out the few dress designers I was considering for bridesmaids gowns, and got ZERO feedback from her.  A week later the rest of us agreed on a dress line and I said, “OK, go pick your gowns”.  She immediately e-mailed me and said that she couldn’t wear ANY of the gowns in the line for modesty/religious reasons. and that she would understand if I asked her to step down.  Period.  She wasn’t interested in asking if the designer could accommodate her, or really any other solutions that might make things work out.  She literally said, “Think of your pictures!  You wouldn’t want my religious clothing to stick out!”  I got really pissed at that remark and said, “OK, you don’t need to be part of the bridal party and are welcome to attend as a guest”.

Over the course of the next month or so, she rehashed how tight money was for her and all the other reasons why her life sucked and how I’ll understand once I’m supporting my husband and kid (um, hello!  I’m marrying a dude who I don’t have to put through college!).  She detailed her plan to get out of debt, with which I tried to be supportive and encouraging.  In the end she said, “Oh, by the way, my husband and I have decided to go through IVF, so we can’t afford to attend as guests.  But send us an invite anyway so we can send you a nice gift, because that’s what friends do.”

Needless to say that she and her husband won’t be invited to the wedding and that we’re not friends anymore.

Some people are really embarrassed that they can’t afford stuff, and some people have a hard time telling the honest truth (to themselves or to others).

In the end, the people who really want to be at your wedding will be there, and even then there might be people (like my FI’s grandmother) who would love to be there but can’t.  All you can do is appreciate what you have in life and keep all the crap from sticking.

Post # 8
Member
1015 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@kerrileigh3:  Glad to hear the conversation went so smoothly and you have such a positive attitude about it :)!

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