Out of town bridesmaids contributing to festivities??

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
1132 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Seattle, WA

That is tough… I would think the “proper” thing to do would be to split the costs 4 ways, however I have a feeling it’s very unlikely that will actually happen.  Sadly, I think the two of you will get stuck splitting the costs.  At least that’s what happened with the last wedding I was in.  Good luck!!

Post # 3
188 posts
Blushing bee

I am kinda in the same boat on this myself, except I am the bridesmaid out of town for two wedings and the bride for my own lol…I think ettiqute is they still are supposed to help pay even if they do not attend.  Maybe send an email sayign any help would be appreciated..but at teh same time be kind and understanding…it can relly get expensive for a bridesmaid these days with the brides who have multiple events!  That is why for my own wedding. my only stipluation is my maids show up on the day of the wedding!   That is all I need…short, breezy, cheap lol and sweet:)  And for their wedding gift, I have decided to buy their maid dreses for them:)

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  Carmela.
Post # 4
588 posts
Busy bee

If they’re not attending, I don’t think you can expect them to pay anything. If they offer, that’s wonderful, but I wouldn’t expect it.

Are they going to be part of the planning process for the events? If so, they might volunteer, but I don’t think there is a polite way to ask. If they’re not part of the planning process, it would be very unusual for them to contribute financially.

Post # 5
6447 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Remember that BMs are not required to pay for a shower/bachelorette period.

I would probably contribute to the shower but not the bachelorette if I was out of town. However, I don’t think I would ask out of town BMs to chip in. 

Maybe you can send a group message asking if they would like to help plan even though you know they can’t make it. If they offer, great! If not, I would probably just split the cost with the other local BM and host what you can afford between the two of you.

Post # 6
8483 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t think anyone is required to host or pay for prewedding activities.  I would ask them if they’re interested in helping host, if they are great if not then that is perfectly fine. So it might just end up being hosted by the 2 of you.

Post # 7
7025 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

bridesmaidsetc:  Are other girls outside the bridal party attending? All girls attending (except the bride) should share the costs, not just the bridal party members.

It’s nice of the out of town girls contribute, but you can’t really expect them to. If you find you’re getting out of budget, what you need to do is modify the party into something you can afford.

Post # 8
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

For bachelorette, all girls attending should split the costs (so not just you and the other bridesmaid) and the out of towners only pay if they attend OR you two choose to do a hosted bacehlorette where you two pay. 

I haven’t ever heard of bridesmaids paying for showers or Bach parties that they dont attend. And I wouldn’t be a fan of that if other bridesmaids approached me with that idea. You should only pay for what you plan yourself. It’s too weird to have you two making decisions that impact the budget and the other two are just supposed to help fund it. 

For my bridesmaids who are out of town, I don’t expect them to pay for or plan anything they won’t attend and I’ve made that clear with all bridesmaids. I also didn’t assume anybody would throw me a shower or plan a bachelorette (but they are anyway). 

Post # 9
42089 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

While I can understand your concerns about costs, I really don’t think it’s fair to ask OOT BM’s to share the expenses.

If you want to host a shower, I suggest you find a way to do that within a budget you can afford. Does the bride or either of you have a home or a relative’s home where you could have the shower? A shower doesn’t have to be a large catered event. An afternoon shower on a weekend day with a few refreshments will not incur huge costs.

The bachelorette is financed by those who attend, paying their own expense and sharing in those of the bride. Again, it need not be expensive. Drinks, dinner and dancing; lunch and a mani/pedi are just a couple of ideas that do not involve the expenses of an out of town trip.


Post # 10
45 posts
  • Wedding: July 2014

My best friend got married last summer and I was the out of state MOH (There were two of us and about 5 other maids). I made it for the shower in my hometown, which I split most of the cost of with the other MOH, though I probably paid more. I don’t think the bridesmaids really chipped in at all, even though they attended. That probably wasn’t cool.

For her bachelorette, I couldn’t make it because it was in a totally different town and they wanted to spend a couple of days there and I had already spent so much money on the other fesitivities and clothing. I literally spent more on her wedding than I am on my own elopement/cruise/reception haha. I just realized that. However, everyone who did go ended up paying for themselves because they had to get hotel rooms, etc. I think that’s how it should be.

It’s rough to not know all the bridesmaids in the wedding with you. In my situation, they all pretty much knew each other because they were sorority sisters, but I agree with asking them if they have any ideas. It’ll help to make everyone feel involved. This could ultimately lead to them giving a little money to help, but I wouldn’t expect it either. If they aren’t there to enjoy the events, it’s kind of not fair to expect them to pay for them, though it seems like the nice thing to add a little extra money if you’re not going to show up. 

Post # 11
805 posts
Busy bee

bridesmaidsetc:  For the bachelorette, I would imagine that all attendees should pay their own way, and the cost for the bride would be split between everybody. For the shower, I think you could ask if they want to help plan and contribute (although maybe that puts them in an awkward position). If I were them, I wouldn’t want to feel obliged to part fund an event I wasn’t even attending, but I would probably offer up a small contribution unprompted. Maybe prepare yourselves to plan a smaller scale shower if it’s just the two of you hosting!

Post # 12
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

In my experience as a bridesmaid, none of the OOT maids ever offered to help in any way (contributing ideas, organizing from afar, paying a single penny, etc.). I did everything on my own for the bride.

Post # 13
9859 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

bridesmaidsetc:  as an OOT bridesmaid, if the BMs in town approached me about assisting with the cost of the Lingerie shower they’re throwing the bride in a few weeks, I would see what I can do.  I responded to the invite to let me know if I can help in any way and I plan to send a gift.

I wouldn’t outright ask them for money, but I would include them in planning conversations.  If they’re willing/able to assist I’m sure they’ll say ‘let me know how I can help’ ‘what’s my share’ etc etc  If they’re not in a position to do so (or aren’t willing to do so) they simply won’t offer.  It might be slightly passive agressive, but I think in this case it’s probably your best bet.

(One of my BMs was a BM in another wedding last summer that was OOT and she was expected to spend over $500 on a shower she wasn’t attending, she wasn’t asked she was told to pay that much, the shower cost over $3000 total, she was not happy about it at all and almost dropped out of the wedding)

Post # 14
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

I’ve never been asked to contribute financially towards a shower one way or the other; I thought the grandparents paid for that. Bachelorette I’ll pay the bride’s drinks and whatnot, but if I’m attending some other wedding party (shower, rehearsal dinner, etc) and I’m asked to pony up for “my” part of the bill, I’d be pretty offended. Asking OOT bridesmaids who aren’t attending at all would be the height of rudeness, if you ask me! If they offer to contribute, more power to them, but isn’t a gift enough?

Post # 15
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

No they shouldn’t have to pay IMO. They can’t attend, and it’s not required of anyone to throw a shower or put money in. Whoever is hosting should, sometimes that’s 1 person, sometimes it’s 5. If it’s just the two of you, you should split the costs and keep it in a budget you can manage. 

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