Out of town in-laws inviting themselves over for multi-day visits

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I completely understand. My FI is close with his family, but they live in the midwest and we’re on the east coast. We used to live 35 minutes from DC and they also would come visit and stay at our place so that they could go do touristy things in the city. I love his family, I do, but no one really wants family staying with them like that do they? I don’t even want my own parents inviting themselves and staying over for days at a time!

His family is coming out for our wedding in York and at first they assumed they’d be staying with us. All of them! – Mom, dad, sister, BIL, two children under 5 and grandma. Plus they wanted to stay for 2 weeks so that while they’re out here they can sightsee – DC, Gettysburg, Philly, etc. WHAT!?! We live in a relatively small home with two bathrooms. That is 9 people in one house! Not to mention our two dogs, one of which HATES strangers and will literally bark for hours everyday at them. Not only that, but because we’re taking a long honeymoon we don’t have the vacation time to take off of work for days in advance before the wedding, so I will still be getting up at 4am for work and don’t really want to have to deal with people sleeping all over the house. I told my FI (who wasn’t a fan of this plan either) that he needed to tell them no. So he did. He did it nicely – just said that we’d still be going to work and we felt the house might be too small for so many people to be comfortable. His sister was offended, but got over it.

I would just tell them that it really isn’t a good time. Make something up (something believable) if you have to. Tell them its just not going to work with your guys’ schedule and suggest that maybe they stay in a hotel closer to the sights they want to see. Also – with your DH being away 2-3 days a week that isn’t really fair to you to have to watch the dog on your own. I would just say that you are flattered they feel comfortable leaving their dog with you, but another renter was recently found with a pet and was heavily penalized. I know your FIL said not to say anything, but this way it sounds like there is a legitimate reason you’re bringing it up.

 The situation sucks though. I can see it being much harder to say no to just his parents than it was for us with 7 prospective house guests :-/

 

Post # 5
Member
7279 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Oh my what a mess. But its not your mess to clean up. You hubby has to FIRMLY tell them this doesnt work.  Dont risk upseting your living situation to trying to hie that dog. let them as the owners figure it out. And a hotel is more than sufficent. How rude. Be honest and firm because if your wishy wash they will not only ignore you, they will continue to do this.

 

Post # 7
Member
3011 posts
Sugar bee

@Merloh:  this is up to him to handle. He should be adult enough to say that their plans do not work. This shouldn’t be an issue. 

“Mom & dad, lady & I would love to see you. Unfortunately the dates you have planned do not work for us. Please let’s schedule a visit for a weekend that or kakadior everyone.”

Since he will be telling them they can’t stay, there’s no reason to even bring  up the dog. 

Post # 8
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Merloh:  It seems like you know you’ll have to come up with a plan of action with your DH and determine what kind of visiting is okay and what is not.  You’ll also have to figure out how to tell them.  I figure honestly is the best way, and just tell them.  Don’t beat around the bush.  They may not have any idea what kind of imposition they’re placing on you.  They probably figure (I’m assuming this is the case), that when you guys visit it’s understood that you stay with them, so why not the other way around?

As for the dog issue.  I have a dog, who I love and am attached to.  Turns out the kennel right around the corner from our house is like doggy vacation to her seeing as she gets to play with all the others and gets treats!  She is much much happier there than with family members we’ve forced her on.  (Although, she is a lab, so she’s really fine anywhere).  DH and I don’t want to impose her on anyone because she too is big and energetic.  AND, seeing as you’re not even supposed to keep animals in your house, that is a huge deal.  I think you guys will have to tell her that she can’t bring her dog due to that.  You don’t want to risk getting in serious trouble with your landlords over that.  Who’s she kidding anyway, hide a 50+lb dog?  It’s not like it’ll stay in the closet for a week…  She really should be understanding at least of the dog issue because it isn’t even up to you guys to decide, it’s a rule imposed by your landlord which you have no control over.

Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I agree with previous posters in that your husband has to firmly say that you will not be able to host his family during that time. As for the dog, I think instead of tiptoeing around your MIL, you have to tell her that the dog is not allowed to stay at your place. Even if she is upset, it is for a reason that is out of your control and you don’t look like the bad guy. If she is that worried about her dog, then she has the right to be able to find another place where she feels like it would get good care. 

Post # 11
Member
7197 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

How? By DH growing a spine, that’s how.

He needs to put a limit on the time his parents stay, and say flat out no to extra visitors like the aunt and uncle. (“We simply don’t have room for more than one couple. And that’s final”).

For the dog it is simply “Sorry but I don’t make the rules – it’s a no. We could be evicted for breaking the rules”.

Post # 14
Member
7197 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Merloh:  Sorry, my comment was a bit harsh. I was emphasising that it is his responsibility not yours.

But you say they got offended when he sets boundaries – well he’s got to let them get upset. Sometimes the message needs to be repeated over and over.

Post # 15
Member
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Merloh:  I don’t think it has to do with your DH not having a spine or being a pushover. Its an awkward situation. Its his parents, not random friends. No one wants to offend their parents, especially ones they are close to. My FI’s parents have done a lot for us. Its not easy to tell them that they can’t stay at our house. People that are maybe not so close with their parents/family may not understand this.

I agree with PPs. Let your DH handle it. I didn’t get involved at all when we had to turn down my FI’s family. The only thing that sucks is that their trip is in two weeks. Really I feel like they should have been told about this from the start, rather than 2 weeks before their trip :-/. In all honestly I would be a little annoyed about that if I were them (unless they booked this last minute…).

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors