Post # 1
I’ve been with my partner for almost 3 years, with the majority of that time living together. I met him after I got my BA, now I’m almost done with my master’s and I’m 25, he’s going on 28.
We’re not in the best of places to get married, but I’ve told him that I want to be married. I’ve eloped the first time around with no wedding so I swear I want to make this one different and special in it’s own right.
From what I’ve seen, a great majority of couples get married under some kind of pressure, or sometimes under and ultimatum. Were you pressured or felt pressured to marry? And how about your SO? How can you bring up the hints and marriage talk, or even the engagement talk, without pressuring someone?
Post # 3
I’ll admit I had to “lean on” FI a bit to make things happen. We had discussed a 1-yr timeline for engagement when we moved in together, but that came and went so I started making an issue of it, as I was getting really frustrated. He proposed about 1.5 yrs after we moved in. I was 28 and we had been together 4 yrs at that point. He wanted to marry me, but I think left to his own devices the engagement would have happened at least another year down the road vs. when it actually happened. He didn’t feel the urgency, but I was not ready to just keep waiting. I think my approach had good results, he doesn’t seem to resent my “pushing” and is happy about the upcoming wedding and marriage.
Have you had a direct conversation with him to confirm he’s on the same page, and if so, what his approx. timeline is? Not that things always happen on the timeline guys give, but at least it gives you something to work with. When you told him you wanted to be married, what did he say?
Post # 4
@prettyflowers: he actually warmed up to the idea and said “Well, let’s do it,” but I told him that I didn’t want to elope, and that weddings were expensive. He wants to invest in a condo first, and I’ve decided that once he starts saving for a condo, I’ll start saving for a wedding.
I refuse to cosign a property without being at least engaged to him. Most of all, I can’t sign a property with him when i’m not even sure if I’ll be moving in that property with him. I’ve stopped bringing up the marriage talk because he once said, “Wait, why are we talking about this when we’re not even engaged? Do we even know that we’re the right one for each other?” It’s going to take some time to heal from that comment. I thought I was so sure that he’s the one, and I hope it too…but I guess he’s not that sure and I don’t think you can force people or convince them when they’re not ready you know?
Post # 5
You said you’re not in the best place to get married. But you want to be married. Yet you don’t want to elope, because you already did that. I’m not judging or anything, but I’m confused. What do you want? Do you just want to get engaged now? Or just have a really low key wedding?
Neither my husband or I felt any pressure. So I can’t comment there. But I do feel for you. My husband had to obtain an annulment before we married. And I was in a position where I wanted to ask him about it before we got too serious. (Or I wouldn’t pursue the relationship.) It was hard talk about a marriage lead in, without trying to sound like you’re actually talking about marriage.
Post # 6
No, we were both ready to get married. I think that the LDR made our feelings more intense, and it also made us grow closer. He wanted to propose as soon as he could (graduated from college, get a job) and he did.
I think that people continously asking us when we were going to get married only aggreviated us.
Post # 7
@Tanya123: I would LOVE to get engaged now or soon…and have a low-key wedding in the next two-three years. But I’m not sure if he’d go for that because he once said he doesn’t agree with long engagements, when I asked, “How long is long?” he said anything over a year…
Post # 8
The outside pressure is ridiculous! Everyone, EVERYONE wants it to happen, sheesh.
The most recent “pressure” I’ve applied is a simple “well it doesn’t have to be a big to do, we can always pay 30 dollars and go to the courthouse…” “well it does if I want my mom to talk to me ever again” “she doesn’t have to know, you can have the big to do and name changing and etc later…” “oh really?…” We’ve been having this talk pretty regularly in the past week or three. I generally like to joke about how I’d LOVE to have monogrammed house decorations, but obviously they don’t come with two initials on them… As of last August, he’s saving. Or so he said.
I think it helps that when we talk, we both seem to have the same concerns, and at least one of us can say “yes, that is how I feel, but couldn’t really put it into words”. I feel like it at least says “I’ll understand your troubles, and we can work toward fixing them together”. Or I could just be insane… >.>
I try not to pressure BF, because it seems that every time something good happens, and we may take a step toward it, something bad happens, and I figure it gets put off again. I don’t want to be a jerk.
Today? BF got to keep his job. Then his car died. WTF. Beings that are, I shake my fist at you!
Post # 9
@mireisen – since you don’t see yourselves getting married for 2-3 years at least, do you really need to be engaged, or do you just want to know that he thinks you’re “the one” and he definitely sees his future with you? It sounds like you have some level of doubt about his commitment. He’s still young in “guy years” and it sounds like he sees buying his condo as something he does on his own… rather than something the two of you do together as a team. If he buys it himself, you don’t have to move in there if you don’t feel comfortable paying rent to him while he builds equity. Without being threatening you can let him know where you stand, if it gets to that point. If he really does see his future with you, he might need to rethink this plan.
If you want to save money for your future – you can do that w/o calling it “wedding money” – I can see how he would be kind of put off by that since at this point there IS NO wedding, he hasn’t proposed. Maybe you could tell him you’re saving to buy YOUR own place. Haha 😉
Post # 10
@prettyflowers: Yeah I do doubt him but I do feel that he may propose sometime this year…(I once asked him about his future plans and he said, “You’re like asking me if I’m going to propose.” which I actually wasn’t…) I heard that men tend to marry on a certain time and women care more about the person they marry. Something like that.
Definitely going to take your advice on the “whatever fund” thing, though. He doesn’t know that it’s a wedding fund but I do want to have a bit of personal safety money.
Post # 11
Honestly, neither one of us pressured the other into getting married. If I had gotten my way, we would have been married a lot sooner.