Post # 1
I overanalyze everything and it is really starting to have an impact on our relationship.
We will have been together for a year in May and are planning to get married in late 2011.
He is a very “face-value” person. I read into things way beyond what is normal. We had a conversation about it on Saturday night and I didn’t 100% realize I was doing it, but it brought a lot of things to light for me.
I plan on making an appointment with a psychologist in the near future, as I battled with depression for several years after my parents divorced at age 13.
I feel a little insecure, too – like I’m not “good enough” for him and I think that also has an impact on how I act. In previous relationships, I have never felt “threatened” per se. I knew I was the best they’d had and felt secure that they would not leave me. With him, I feel as girls before me were “better” and am a little threatened by a very close female friend of his. They are a lot alike and I tell myself sometimes she would be better for him than I am.
I feel like one day, he will realize I’m not what he wants. I understand these thoughts are very illogical! I mean, if he didn’t want to be with me – he wouldn’t be. He also wouldn’t tell me he wants to marry me.
I am just afraid if I continue to beat myself up and analyze every single thing he does or says, it will ruin the incredible relationship we do have and he WON’T want to be with me because of that.
I know I just need to lighten up and take things in stride, it is just really difficult for me. The good thing about all of this is I am recognizing this EARLY and trying to deal with it rather than let it boil for 5 or 10 years, when it would get to the point of resentment and defensiveness.
Ugh… I just needed to get this all out. Thanks, Bees.
Post # 3
I feel ya.
I over analyze things too, while hubby is very logical and not prone to emotional fits of hysteria (seriously, I can REALLY get upset when I get some “fear” stuck in my head). I had the same thoughts as you when we were dating, thinking he was going to leave me for no reason, etc, and honestly I’m surprised he didn’t lol. The man has the patience of a saint! I’ve struggled all my life with insecurities, especially in relationships, and I think a lot of it has to do with “abandonment issues” because my dad passed away when I was very young and I was raised solely by my mom. No matter WHAT people say, I truly believe children need both parents. In my case, it wasn’t anyone’s fault of course, but growing up without a dad really did affect me.
It sounds like you are doing the right thing by setting up an appointment to talk to someone. I’ve thought about doing the same for myself, because even though we are married now, I still have my moments. You are right, it can affect the relationship negatively. It’s up to you (& me) to work on it, and it’s up to our men to stand by us while we do.
Good luck to you 😉
Post # 4
Thank you! Great words of advice and encouragement. I feel a lot like you– I, too have emotional fits and thank goodness I am with someone who does not antagonize them, but is patient with them.
My parents were divorced at 13– and it had a huge impact on me then, I can only imagine what it really psychologically has done to me. It was out of left field, I never saw it coming.
I actuall did A LOT of reading online and it was honestly very helpful.
Here are a couple of things I read for anyone else curious:
Post # 5
@ laughing – Thank you so much for the links! I did read them and I especially enjoyed the second one. I think I seriously needed that. In fact, I think I will print it off so I can read it again whenever I feel like I “need” it, if you know what I mean.
Post # 6
I printed them too! 🙂 🙂
(and highlighted parts that were “important” to me)
Post # 7
Thank you so much for this post. I can’t explain how much it has helped me. I am currently/recently just went throuh this however it was reversed. My Fiance has dealt with depression in the past. He beat himself up thinking that “I deserve someone better” and that he didn’t deserve to be loved. I would do my best to convince him otherwise. He let all those thoughts and over analyzing turn into very strong fears of marraige and eventually cancelled the wedding. He lleft saying that I deserve a better love. I am completly in a state of shock. To me it makes no sense. I am prayin that he gets help and eventually come back.
Please talk to someone before you explode. Also talk to your SO so that he knows what is going on. Good Luck!
Post # 8
cablegirl… I am SO sorry to hear your story 🙁 that is sad. but yes, it is so overwhelming and I will admit I have had feelings of wanting to leave him in fear he will find someone “better” and I will have a broken heart. I have to take a step back and realize that I am creating my own reality and it’s not truly what is happening — it is just because I analyze it too much.
Do you still talk to him?
Not Wedding Related – A Little Worried About His “Girl”Friend.
I had another post (above) and teaandtost wisely told me this:
I read your other post and can totally empathize with you. I also tend to overanalyze things, and it took me a long time (and some help from a therapist) to learn how to cope with my anxieties. Have you considered speaking with a counselor or other mental health professional about this stuff?
WRT the above, I think you’re looking for trouble. It sounds as though this girl makes you feel, as you say, threatened, and that feeling is impacting how you interpret all the available information. Having decided what must be true (she’s better than you and he will, if given the opportunity, leave you for her), you’re now perceiving reality as though that’s inevitable. Speaking from experience again, it’s possible, once you’ve decided something is so, to suddenly “realize” that EVERYTHING “proves” that your hunch about someone cheating or leaving is “right.” Except it’s usually not and, over time, the constant lack of trust in YOURSELF (not him) does damage to the relationship.
Based on what you’ve said I don’t think she has feelings for your BF. I think you have some pretty painful feelings about yourself that are driving these fears.
Post # 9
@laughing. No I haven’t talked to him. We have had some correspondace via email. All of this happened a couple of weeks ago. For me, I could not understand what or why he was feeling this way. And that is why seeing your post helped. It has been extremly hard day by day. At this point, I am no longer concerned about me but more for him. He has said every key word that you said. “Not deserving my love, find someone better, he’s not good enough, telling me that I can leave if I want because he understands”. He stated that he allowed some of differences to turn into fear of marraige that he could not get out of his head. Lookin back, he had every key sign of depression and I am upset that it took after he left for me to put it all together. I am lost. I want to give him his space to think things through but on the other hand I want him to know that I still care and love him. I have never dealt with anyone with depression so I am not sure how to approach the situation. Should I give him space or reach out? Thanks for all of your help.
Post # 10
I know what you mean, I have a tendency to overanalyse things as well, and it was actually only about a month ago I realised how much I had been doing it.
My situation was this:
My Boyfriend or Best Friend was engaged to his previous Girlfriend, and she was the one who broke it off and moved to another country. When he told me they had been engaged, that made me feel really insecure and worried that I could ever “live up to her”. Even though my amazing Boyfriend or Best Friend told me that he loves me more than he had ever loved anyone else, that I am the love of his life etc. I still had that subconscious fear of not being as “good” as his ex. This was a very emotionally tiring situation for me. The thing is, I have been in therapy, and there I learned some various techniques for breaking out of destructive thought patterns, and that helped.
I also read a book called “Women who think too much” by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, and that helped me realise a quite few things as well. Now my fear of not being good enough is completely gone, and I KNOW now that my Boyfriend or Best Friend loves me more than anything. I recommend reading that book.
It is possible to stop overanalysing. Good luck 🙂