Over sensitive or him blowing hot&cold?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

He’s clearly a great Dad and a great provider–time for him to be a good FI!

If you’ve been together enough to be engaged, you’vee been together enough to move in together (unless you won’t until marriage because of your  kid, which I totally understand)

Post # 5
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@bohemian_coconut:  I will try to touch upon various things you wrote, in hopes it makes sense.

First and foremost, you seem to have a man that loves you, and your son.  Whom works hard, and whom makes you feel wonderful and happy.  All wonderful things!

Perhaps due to a past relationship, you are putting unneeded expectations upon him because you fear that when you are not verbally dotes on 24/7, it means he is getting cold feet, and will leave you high and dry?!  Based upon your post, how you two interact is very normal, at least in my eyes.  There are times FI and I are incredibly lovey dovey, and there are times where life just gets crazy: work, social calendars, etc, and we are just going thru motions day to day.  A quick call here or there, maybe a text message, etc.  I do not think it is a sign of hot or cold.  In fact, I think it is rather comforting that we do not need to tell each other how we feel, because WE JUST KNOW how we feel.  If that makes sense…

The only ‘red’ flag in your post, and you indicated it as maybe being you fishing for a problem, is that of his debt/spending.  You state that he is now diligent in spending/saving, and remaining on budget than he was before – perhaps when he had a gambling issue, but also stated that he spend double his budget on your ring that he now has to pay off.  Although paying off a ring, or anything else is not a sign of trouble, it may be for some people.  On one hand, he has provided you and your son with a lot of nice things, but on the other hand, he has not necessarily been 100% up front with you about his debt.  Or, is hesitant about getting a joint account, etc.  It may not be an issue at all, but I do not think it is something you are TRYING to find ‘wrong’ either.  I would definitely communicate more about that before taking extreme steps to uproot your son, and yourself, etc. 

Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

@bohemian_coconut:  I would suggest that you take the Love Languages test together. It sounds like you have two very different styles of expressing your feelings. You are probably “Words of Affirmation” and he is “Gift Giving”. So you are wanting him to express his feelings the same way you express yours, but he thinks he’s expressing his feelings perfectly by providing for you and buying you nice things. It’s just a matter of communication. You both need to understand the way in which the other communicates their feelings and then compromise. Since he knows it’s important to you, he can make an effort to text you here and there (or at least respond – that bothers me when they don’t even respond to nice messages) and you can understand that he’s showing his love for you when he buys you gifts.

I understand where you are coming from though – in my last relationship, my ex would rarely text me of his own volition saying he loved/missed me, etc because that wasn’t his style of communication. It bothered me to no end, and I”m lucky now to have a guy who does all of that on his own, and it makes a big difference to me.

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