Post # 1
hi I’m not sure where to start really. In fact I don’t even know if there is an issue or I am being over sensitive so would like a little input. Me and my so have been dating around 8 months. We do not live together and are both very independent. He has a highly stressful job were he works 12 hour shifts 2 days then 2 nights and then four days off. He has a lot of friends and enjoys socialising with them and with me. He also likes his own space which is fair enough since before me he had been single around 4 or 5 years. He is very funny and ery sarcastic with a bit of a sick sense of humour. He has a seven year old son who lives with his ex and is a fab dad.
I also have my own place which I love, a two year old son, I work, I am also studying part time, I have a lot of friends and I also do a lot of sport and exercise. my bf takes care of me and my son in a way I have never been looked after before. My quality of life and my sons has increased significantly since being together and he buys us a lot of nice things and takes us lots of nice places which I could never otherwise afford. He proposed to me and I said yes and he is currently paying off the most beautiful ring I have ever set eyes on, which was twice his original budget. When we are together I laugh a lot and feel like good mates as well as being very attracted to each other.
we do not see each other as much as I would like. Because we both work shifts and have our own kids obviously those things come first. Most weeka I would see him maybe only for one overnight stay together, and maybe if I am lucky a quick lunch date in between. The problem is I feel like I miss him and want to see him more than he does me. I sometimes feel like we do not have a relationship in the four days he is working. I understand he is tired but he rarely makes an effort to ring me. I have broached this subject and he explained that he always misses me but is a very practical person and not very slushy etc so doesn’t send slushy (or sexy texts). I am the opposite, I love to talk and chat and am a sensitive and emotional person. Sometimes when we are together he says the most beautiful things to me and makes me feel like I am very cherished. Other times he says quite little. I sometimes wonder if this is him blowing hot and cold or if it is me being ridiculous and silly expecting someone to be all romantic 24 7. anytimr I discuss this kind of thing he is shocked and can’t understand why I would question his feelings. I guess maybe I just need reassurance. I had a relationship previously where my ex left ery suddeny and am aware that this may e unconsciously causing me issues.
i guess what I want is for people to tell me it’s ok for sometimes couples not to be all slushy constantly and always tactile etc. He is thoughtful and always buys me nice things, makes an effort with my family and particularly with my son. I suppose I just feel I do not see him often enough which I understand due to our other commitments but feel he is so independent that in between seeing each other there is quite little contact. I don’t really know what I’m even looking from on here kind of just warbling to get it all out if my head. I feel quite a lot he does not respond to my slushy texts as I would like and then I get all depressed thinking he isn’t missing me when in reality I know he sometimes just wants to is and play his x box after work and not look at a mobile.
Post # 3
He’s clearly a great Dad and a great provider–time for him to be a good FI!
If you’ve been together enough to be engaged, you’vee been together enough to move in together (unless you won’t until marriage because of your kid, which I totally understand)
Post # 4
He did initially ask me to move in next year and I agreed but then decided to go back to Uni and moving in of ether would seriously change my financial circumstances for the Worse. We t engaged pretty quick into the relationship so decided it was pointless moving in together and reducing our combined income while I have Uni fees to pay. He said this way he will save for the wedding without needing to support me in Uni.
Also, I recently found out he was once in £12,000 of debt which due to arrears ended up £20,000. Apparently it’s statue barred now which means it does not need to be legally paid back. I already knew he had a gambling problem in the past and was aware he went to a support group, took steps to ensure he could not bet again etc all which i was very proud of him for. He is very sensible with money now but I was shocked to hear of the debt and saddened that he had not spoke to me about it before. When I attempted to discuss it he got quite angry and said it was his past and didn’t see why he had to share. I pressed the issue and explained I needed to b aware of such issues if we were getting married. He finally agreed to talk about tt after refusing to. Eventually he discussed with me how it made him feel embarrassed and ashamed and he hated himself for it and could not think of it wkthout getting upset. He agreed when we were moving in together to show me all the paperwork saying it did not need paid. I said this was not necessary as I trusted him but needed him to understand I need a relationship that is open about these things. He has also refused to get a joint account when we move in saying he wants to keep things independent and feels that sharing money will cause fights. He has offered to pay pretty much all the bills as he earns more than me so I feel I can’t really complain about sharing money plus I never go without Thanks to him. He always tells me to keep my money for my son and he pays for stuff.
I am just not sure if I am looking for problems which obviously would be destructive. I just want to make sure we are on the same page with things and apparently we were not if he felt he didn’t need to tell me about £20 grand debt. In his defence, he said it does not affect him now so didn’t feel he was keeping it from me.
Post # 5
@bohemian_coconut: I will try to touch upon various things you wrote, in hopes it makes sense.
First and foremost, you seem to have a man that loves you, and your son. Whom works hard, and whom makes you feel wonderful and happy. All wonderful things!
Perhaps due to a past relationship, you are putting unneeded expectations upon him because you fear that when you are not verbally dotes on 24/7, it means he is getting cold feet, and will leave you high and dry?! Based upon your post, how you two interact is very normal, at least in my eyes. There are times FI and I are incredibly lovey dovey, and there are times where life just gets crazy: work, social calendars, etc, and we are just going thru motions day to day. A quick call here or there, maybe a text message, etc. I do not think it is a sign of hot or cold. In fact, I think it is rather comforting that we do not need to tell each other how we feel, because WE JUST KNOW how we feel. If that makes sense…
The only ‘red’ flag in your post, and you indicated it as maybe being you fishing for a problem, is that of his debt/spending. You state that he is now diligent in spending/saving, and remaining on budget than he was before – perhaps when he had a gambling issue, but also stated that he spend double his budget on your ring that he now has to pay off. Although paying off a ring, or anything else is not a sign of trouble, it may be for some people. On one hand, he has provided you and your son with a lot of nice things, but on the other hand, he has not necessarily been 100% up front with you about his debt. Or, is hesitant about getting a joint account, etc. It may not be an issue at all, but I do not think it is something you are TRYING to find ‘wrong’ either. I would definitely communicate more about that before taking extreme steps to uproot your son, and yourself, etc.
Post # 6
Thank you so much for yor reply I really appreciate the comments. Yes I also feel it is something I need to talk more about but maybe not just yet. I am glad he eventuat opened up about it even when it made him uncomfortable. He did say I know everything about him and the reason he didn’t tell me was because he felt I would feel differently about him. He agreed he wouldn’t keep anything else from me. I know in my head a couple doesn’t have to be lovey dovey all the time and actually I am not a clingy person at all and it probably would be overkill, I probably just have a fear of him getting cold feet which is my issue, not his. I’m glad u think we have a good relationship, I know ts silly and I shouldn’t need it but sometimes that reassurance froM an outside source is nice as in my last relationship I clearly missed warning signs!
Post # 7
I had a big talk with my man today. He isn’t really the talkign type so it was kind of difficult. I tried my best not to get him defensive etc because he does get d efensive when he thinks hes being blamed. He said didnt understand what he was doing wrong. e had just bought me an expensive pair of ugg boots and taken me on a romantic break.. i said him spoilign me wasnt the issue and i really appreciated all he did. I said sometimes I felt like he didnt miss me liek I did him etc. He was shocked I felt that way and said he thought he knew how much he adored me. He said he is always thinking of nice things to do for us, which is true, he booked and paid for circus tickets for us next week. He said there is no one else in this world for him, he shows me and tells me all the time. He said he does miss me and cant wait to move in. I said I was sorry for being over sensitive and that I didnt doubt his love for me. I guess what I have learnt from all this is that maybe we show our love in different ways. I am a talker and an over thinker. He is a doer and laid back. And i love him for those things so I cant expect him to be other things as well. I know how much he loves me and never doubt it, I just need to remember he is the way he is and i am the way i am and thats ok.
Post # 8
@bohemian_coconut: I would suggest that you take the Love Languages test together. It sounds like you have two very different styles of expressing your feelings. You are probably “Words of Affirmation” and he is “Gift Giving”. So you are wanting him to express his feelings the same way you express yours, but he thinks he’s expressing his feelings perfectly by providing for you and buying you nice things. It’s just a matter of communication. You both need to understand the way in which the other communicates their feelings and then compromise. Since he knows it’s important to you, he can make an effort to text you here and there (or at least respond – that bothers me when they don’t even respond to nice messages) and you can understand that he’s showing his love for you when he buys you gifts.
I understand where you are coming from though – in my last relationship, my ex would rarely text me of his own volition saying he loved/missed me, etc because that wasn’t his style of communication. It bothered me to no end, and I”m lucky now to have a guy who does all of that on his own, and it makes a big difference to me.