Post # 1
I’ve been surfing the internet (read: Pinterest) for ideas for my wedding, and every once in a while I find some ideas that keep popping up that I really don’t like. I see them once, express my displeasure, move on, and keep finding those same ideas over and over. What really bothers me is the focus some of these ideas put on the sexual aspect of marriage.
I’m no prude about sex, I’ve been sexually active with my fi almost the whole time we’ve been together. But to me, marriage is supposed to be a public declaration and celebration of love with family and friends, not some big celebration of the couple having sex. I think I should mention that I’m very strongly feminist, and a lot of these ideas focus on women’s sexuality in a very… I don’t know… kind of trashy way? I don’t know how to put it. But it’s like instead of showing off bloody sheets after the wedding night, we’ve instead taken to making grooms crawl up their new wives’ skirts and toss their garters, and taking boudoir photos of brides to give to their grooms, not unlike glamorized sexting. It’s one thing to do it at a bachelor/ette party, it’s another to do it at a formal event with parents and grandparents present. Coupled with the fact that certain US states still have that sexist abstinence-only bullshit in lieu of actual sex education in public schools, it just leaves a really bad taste in my mouth.
Does anyone agree with me? I don’t particularly want to do the garter toss, not if it requires my fi to crawl up my dress in public. I just can’t think of a tasteful way to do it.
Post # 3
@kittyfinn: I agree the garter toss is tacky and is better left out, but I don’t see how one single thing sexualises the whole wedding.
(Boudoir photos are a private thing between the bride and groom, irrelevant to the wedding itself).
Post # 4
Every once in a while I’ll see a series of photos from an engagement shoot that make me think “Wow, I would have kept those pictures private!”. I don’t care what others do really, it’s more surprising than anything to me!
Post # 5
The garter toss is gross IMO. If you don’t want to do it, don’t. It’s not traditional across all cultures by any means.
Post # 6
@kittyfinn: I’m not doing a garter-toss, just because it’s not a tradition I really identify with on any level, and yeah, it’s sort of weird in public. However, I think having boudoir pictures done for your FI’s eyes only is not a “sexualized” wedding thing. You could do it for any occasion, but seeing as the night of the wedding is a very sexualized aspect of a marriage (i.e. consummation) I don’t see how that’s inappropriate gifting. I think you can be a feminist, have a female photographer who you trust and is creating artistic images for you and your spouse, and it’s not overly sexualizing the marriage to me. I think it’s fair not to do a garter toss based on your beliefs, just like many women do not have their fathers walk them down the aisle, or expect their FI to ask for their hand. The wedding reception is all about love and celebration– but whatever gifts come afterward, well that’s up to each couple.
Post # 7
The most sexualized weddings I have been to have been the ones where the couples were very conservative and waiting until after marriage… discussion of consummation in prayers, references to the wedding night, that sort of thing. It grosses me out no matter what the couples’ pre-marital choices are.
Post # 8
Marriage consumation used to be a big deal. It meant that the whole marriage was signed, sealed and delivered. That’s the history of the garter toss — It meant the marriage was consumated. Back when this was very popular, “consumation” was not a hyper sexualized thing… it was more like signing a business contract. Nobody went “Eww! They had sex!” The moreso nodded and went, “Good, now they’re officially married.”
I don’t see it as a sexualized action… it’s silly, and I won’t be doing it (Not for any reason you listed), but I don’t think people find it sexy or sexual at a wedding. It’s something silly where everybody laughs and one guy gets a pretty lacey garter. If both the bride and groom are on the boat with it, there is no harm.
Boudoir shoots have nothing to do with the wedding, so I don’t know where you got that idea. They are a private gift between bride and groom. They are (not to my knowledge) shown off at the wedding or after the wedding. Usually it’s a special gift to the groom and that’s as far as it goes. It’s no different than showing up in the bedroom in silky panties and a nightie for your husband’s birthday or wearing frilly underpants on your honeymoon.
Post # 9
@kittyfinn: I don’t understand your rant. It’s not what you want for your wedding, that’s great, move on.
I see nothing wrong with the garter toss, I’m doing one. It’s been done at every wedding I’ve been to.
I see nothing wrong with boudoir shots. I’m having some done for our “paper anniversary.”
I see nothing wrong with your point of view either. If you don’t want to do these things, don’t. Plain and simple.
Post # 10
Yes, I agree with you, OP.
Post # 12
@NAvery: Eugh. Must be an American thing. We waited, as did many of my Christian friends (as far as I know lol) and I never heard anything like that mentioned at any of their weddings. And I would have died of embarassment if any mention was made of it at mine.
Post # 13
@Hyperventilate: But that’s what I’m saying. Instead of showing off bloody bedsheets, we now toss garters and have brides give grooms boudoir shots. I know the boudoir shots are supposed to be a private gift, but why do only brides take them to give to grooms on the wedding night? That’s what I’m talking about. It just really sticks into my craw that even in a supposedly enlightened, egalitarian time we’re still making a show of the consummation of a marriage… which is silly now that most couples don’t abstain until marriage. There’s still quite a big fuss made of a woman giving up her virginity on the wedding night. The garter toss now is done for laughs, and there are more sexist traditions in weddings, but I still don’t think it’s all that tasteful when the brides’ “equivalent” is tossing a bunch of flowers.
@NAvery: I suppose you have a point. I’ve heard horror stories of conservative Christian weddings before, though I haven’t been to one. Creepy and gross, indeed.
Post # 14
Umm.. am I the only one who doesn’t get the ‘showing off bloody sheets after the wedding night’ comment? I’m sure that’s a time period thing from long ago.. but still gross to me. LOL
Post # 15
@NAvery: +1 the last wedding i attended mentioned the wedding night and “physically” enjoying eachother in the ceremony. They were waiting until the wedding night, which is totally fine, but not something i would want said at my wedding nor did i want to hear it at theirs. We already knew the groom was excited…enough info. Friends at the wedding also found it a bit awkward and didnt like the mention either.
Post # 16
Not everyone does the garter toss. I’m not, and neither are a lot of bees, as you can see from previous posts. I don’t mind it at other weddings. I don’t see it as sexual, just silly.
And very few people do a budoir photo shoot. I don’t know anyone IRL that has done one (though I suppose they don’t tell everyone about it).
I have never been to a wedding that seemed over-sexualized, or even sexual at all. Most are traditional. There’s a lot more to weddings than a garter toss.
@NAvery: Eww! Really? Aren’t the couples mortified?