Post # 1
I’ve mentioned this a little bit, but I’m really not sure what to do about it. My over zealous FI likes to invite everyone we meet to our wedding. We are in law school and every time we go to a social function, or hang out with people, he tells everyone they should come to the wedding. It is driving me mad. Besides the budget issue, the room we have reserved only holds a certain number of people!
So here is my question: What do I do about all the people he has told “should come?” Do I have to invite them? We haven’t sent any STD’s out to law school folks yet. I know there are going to be people upset and confused because they aren’t invited after my FI told them they were going to be. The wedding is in January, so I will still have a semester of facing these people in the hallway. The awkwardness should be abundant.
Post # 3
@Tangled: I’d say no. Hopefully most people understand the difference between the groom saying “oh dude, you should TOTALLY come to our wedding” and a formal invitation (or one of you saying “I just wanted you to know you should check your mail, as an invite is on its way!”). For some reason, I think most people understand that, well, the bride calls the shots on these things. They can’t possibly expect that a “you should come to our wedding!” thrown into casual conversation is going to turn into a real invitation. I just wouldn’t mention it anymore, and if anyone asks, just do the elaborate eye-roll with a “oh, that fiance of mine! We’re actually having a small wedding of just family and close friends, but he seems to think it’s a carnival!”
I’ve gotten the “oral invite” to a wedding that didn’t translate into an actual invitation before, and I wasn’t the least bit offended.
Post # 4
I would invite them, and have done so when I got a little ahead of myself with a few less than super close friends. This isn’t like your FMIL saying this to her friends before she talks to the bride and groom about the guest list. I do have a question, though – why does he keep doing this? I can’t imagine my FI doing this after we’ve sat down with the budget and guestlist.
Post # 5
I think he’s doing it because he’s too friendly, and he hasn’t really examined the guest list. I think I need to sit down with him and go over it, as you suggested. Maybe plant some firm numbers in his mind. That might get him to stop, but I’m still torn about the damage that’s already been done.
Post # 6
I don’t think you necessarily have to invite them… but it might be awkward when you don’t, and you’ll just have to deal with that. Aside from budget and room restrictions, are these people you would geninuely want at your wedding if you had the budget and room? If you aren’t close enough with them to want them there regardless of the restrictions, I wouldn’t invite them. If they are, maybe you could invite them as the B-list, if you end up getting some no’s that you didn’t expect.
I would also talk to your FI and tell him to STOP inviting people when he knows you guys don’t have the space and money to invite everyone you’d like to! That would drive me mad also.
Post # 7
You don’t have to invite them. You’re not going to see most of these people after law school anyway. I would sit down with your FI asap and walk through the guest list and also cost per person. It can be really eye opening to understand just how much each person costs.
Post # 8
Lol, been there, done that…
It is a guy thing…
Unlike us Gals who are so absorbed in the Wedding Plans, Guys don’t get the BIG PICTURE until we finally sit them down, show them the LONG version of the Guest List and WHAT THINGS COST.
That is when they SEE the reality, and then realize that things have to be cut-back… and doing it to the Guest List, affects ALL of the Bottom Line (ie 100 people is much cheaper than 150 or 200)
As for the Etiquette in this situation.
THERE IS NO INVITATION until one actually receives a Written Invite in the mail (even a Save The Date Card, IS NOT AN INVITE)
So hon, you are off the hook… but it might be worthwhile to start working on your Guest List & Budget sooner than later, so Hubby-2-B can see the reality of all this… and realistically what you guys will be able to do. I’m guessing at that point, he’ll pipe his good-old-boy law school enthusiasm down a bit !!
EDIT TO ADD – See that Dela2012 and I have said virtually the same thing, looks like I was drafting while she was posting.
Post # 9
@This Time Round: Save the Date = invite. Why else would they save the date?
Tangled – it makes more sense if he hasn’t looked at the numbers, budget, etc. I totally get that.
Post # 10
I agree with @Dela2012 and @This Time Round: sit down with your FI and go down the guestlist and cost.
Don’t make the same mistake I did. My FI too was inviting everyone under the sun when we first announced our engagement. So based on that, we booked a room for that can hold up to 170 guests. But the venue is charging us minimum 150 guests. When the time came to make our final guestlist and send out invitations, FI cut out 40 people from his guestlist. As a result we have invited about 160 people, if according to statistics 20% will decline, we won’t even meet our minimum! Now I have to try to negociate with our venue if they can lower the minimum to 140.
I was mad for a while, but it is what it is. I can only warn others to not make the same mistake!
Happy Planning 🙂