Weddingbee boards

Well speaking for my FI and his ex, everything changed when his ex gave birth to their daughter.  She ignored him, and put herself completely into her daughter.  She even kicked him out of the bedroom so the baby could sleep in the bed with her!  He just felt like when the baby came into the marriage, she kicked him out.

My xh's company merged with another company and they moved operations to a large city.  We went from being a very very happy young couple and successful to being in our early 30's living with more money than we knew what to do with.  He changed simple as that.  We had NO problems until he became super successful because he suddenly believed he had no boundaries and was superman.  And that would include cheating as his superpower .

He was unfaithful to me and to our son.  I consider it a FAMILY betrayal.  I won't go into detail b/c it would probably freak alot of you out the depth of some of the lies.  But I spoke with both our minister back home, a counselor he visited (and lied to) and it was the unanimous decision that I should divorce him.  When we divorced, he remarried the day after and became a father again 3 months later.  History is yet repeating itself now in his life and she's enduring even more than I did.  Oh well, you reap what you sow ya know?

I was a good and faithful wife, good friend to him, we had a great romance, we were physically comptabile, took trips often, and wanted more kids.  When I found out, I was devastated.  He lived a double life it turns out.

It's in the past now.  But why I am happily starting over.  Why I am celebrating this renewal and beginning so much!

I thought I'd have been married forever.  But there was a different plan for my life.  A deeper love, and maturity to go along with it.  And there's alot of irony.  For example, I moved and built my dream home with my x.  Left it, utterly crushed with my child, and in finanical ruin (he lied about money).  I learned really quicky that money is NOT gonna make you happy since I had very little and re-entered my profession after having been a stay at home mom.   

Four and a half years later, after I never thought I'd fall in love again..I meet my guy.  We're laughing and talking and he asks where I live (we are in large metro area).  I tell him.  I ask where he lives, and he says same general area I once lived in where the dream house was.  We talk some more and he asks where did I live in that area?  Well he lives in the SAME subdivision.  Same one.  So I firmly believe if you're a good person, love others, put others before yourself, ONLY GOOD things will come in time.  My family, friends and of course guy, know this IS NOT coincidence we met.

All that I lost, I gained back again and more.  But I kept the faith. 

I think what matters most is you treat others, including your spouse how you wish to be treated.  That's the secret to friendship, family and marriage.  Silly yet simple but the best advice I could give.  For if you do that, even in the face of the worst possible things happening around you, you will remain positive and the love will be returned..maybe not how you want it to, but it will happen. 

I believe in the principles of Dr. Willard and Steve Harley.  In fact their advice paved the way for my friends, the encore couple, to get remarried! 

The book "His Needs Her Needs" really needs to be in every house with married people.  Amazing truths and ways to remain connected always.  T's getting ready to read it with me.  I have practically memorized it. 

My grandparents will be married seventy..yea 70 years this summer.  Their secret?  It's a joint effort.  It is a team thing.  And communication and treating others as you would treat yourself.

Well I come from a long line of married people who never divorced.  I was the only one.  I was a little embarassed when I had to let the whole family know.  But once they found out the reason why, they were so supportive of me.

Like the earlier poster said, my family just didnt' think divorce was an option available.  Except in my case and with mine, they couldn't wait for the divorce to go through.  I got the family mulligan on that.

My guy and I also do not believe divorce is an option, even though we're both divorced.  This is gonna be it.  Lifers.  He and I both had difficult situations to get thru before, and we're so happy and blessed now!

Wow Maureen that's horrible what they did to their own son.  Nothing but hugs to you both.  And courage wished to him to stand up to his manipulative parents.

You two can get thru this.

Well congrats and welcome to Encore future Mrs. J!  I am a single mom too (divorced) and it's so wonderful we're believing in love and family.  This is a wonderful time and nothing but hugs..welcome!

I am NOT getting married at 39 because I feel I am getting old.  I feel in fact younger and more vibrant now than I did at 29 because i'm with the right person now and my stress level is waaay lower.  

Even before, I did not enter marriage for the wrong reasons.  I don't think my xh did either.  We weren't young (27 and 28).  Dated for a few years and were both planners.  Had a good relationship.  Everything was really great...until he became wealthy.
That was the change that brought him to change.

Not me. 

Sometimes as scary as it may seem, people DO change over time and maybe some dormant long lost fantasy they had in their head pops out and they choose to forego reason, morality and sanity and go and follow that inane fantasy.  That's what my xh did and it's been his undoing.  Even in his affair marriage.  He married one of the women he was cheating with.  Same story except they never enjoyed peace and harmony and fidelity and stability as he and I did for years before he changed.

I used to joke around years ago (way to deal with the pain) to my friends and we all called him "Darth" because like annakin skywalker once was good, he changed suddenly to the guy Darth and took a walk on the dark side.

I still hope that he straightens himself out.  Not for me but for my son and for his daughter who will be five this month.  We've incidentally been divorced now for five years..get it now?

I think the best PARENTAL marriage advice came from my father.  In high school he sat my sister and I down on the couch and laid out a few rules he'd suddenly decided on.  She and I were both dating then, and he wanted to make his life plan for us perfectly clear.  My beloved father passed away 10 years ago this summer, and he would be so happy I kept to his plan regardless of circumstances.  Sadly on his death bed, he told me he didn't like my xh and wished I'd go on without him. 

Here are my dad's ideas for a well balanced and happy life:

1) Only get married when you can support yourself and somebody else.  You never kmow if one of you will get disabled.  And that means carry proper insurance for the both of you as well.

2)I won't give either of you girls (my sister and I) a dime towards your weddings unless you both finish college.  A college degree is like another form of insurance.

3)I have two daughters.  Knowing the way the world is today (this was in the early 1990s when he said this), something sad will happen to possibly one of you with the divorce rate as it is.  Be prepared.  Do as I said and you'll weather any storm and be prepared to not only support yourself but a child possibly too if bad things happen."

My dad wanted us to both be completely self sufficient financially before marrying.  He even wanted us to live at home as long as we could to save up $$.  My sister DID end up marrying but was a senior in college and had six months to go before her degree but she kept her word to him and graduated of course.  She put my bro in law thru medical school and now 17 years later they're happy as clams and doing fine financially with a loving family and great marriage.

Me?  I happened to be the one for whom my dad's ominous prophecy fell upon.  I was the one who divorced.  But I did as he said, had a good degree and a marketable job and solid profession and have had to struggle after divorce, but landed on my feet able to always have a nice home and vehicle and be able to take care of myself and my child.  WITHOUT a man around.  I do get child support but it's not that much as a result of further lies from my x.  We will not ever delve into that sucking black hole.

But I think my dad's rules are good rules for life and love.  Life is an unknown.  You're only responsible for yourself.  You cannot make anybody else do anything, even if it is the logical, sane, or loving decision to make.  Everyone has free will.  But never let a day pass that you do not tell your hubby, kids, or family and friends that you love them. 

@Tmarie,  I love ya too!  We'd probably have a gorgeous wedding with our style ideas lol!  Ditto to cheers to all our fabulous (and understanding) FI"s!  Mine's had to put up with me being on call all weekend and cancelling on him last night for our "family" dinner. 

@Anniebear-I never thought that,  just that there are other issues that I think and have seen that imho, were reasons most  couples who have divorced I've known, divorced for.  Wishing you lots of love and a lifetime of happiness!  I sure wish I FELT today like I was in my 20's..I've been on call all weekend and just got back in about 30 min ago from the hospital..this is one tired girl!  So glad you're here btw..

~J.

I just want to give out hive hugs right now to all encore brides who made it through such difficult days in their lives.  That experience has made me love stronger, stand up 100 percent for what I believe in, and the best mom I could ever be. 

I think that despite what my x did, I have become more than before.  I learned that I didn't have to be with anybody to be happy.  I learned that money doesn't make you happy.  And the greatest gift I've ever been given is when my little boy looks up at me and says he loves me. 

((((((Encores brides n the Hive))))))

@Liz--was the same for us..nobody thought we'd ever divorce.  Thought we had it all.  And I was the last to know that he had a double life.  If you get a chance, show us your adorable twins!  And kudos for being brave enough to inspire others here with words of hope and strength.

In fact, I think there is NOTHING but strength and love on the Encore board.  I am SO happy there is a special place for such special brides, grooms, some also special moms and dads too here. 

Thanks Mr. and Mrs. Bee for creating this little cozy hub for us.  It's just different being an encore bride or groom and there's not any support out there for us really.  Before I was hostess here and before there was ever an encore board, I remember when my guy and I decided we'd get married.  It was last summer.  We decided we loved each other and that was when we began laying down somewhat of a timeline.  Now it's sorta broad (later in 2009) but we're definitely marrying.  Just waiting on the ring.  I remember wanting to find out what other women and men in OUR situation did when they faced remarriage.  There was NO resource whatsoever out there.

There was not alot of information.  And the silly information I read suggested I wear a short, white suit and quietly sneak off to the courthouse or wear a dress that even my grandma would turn her nose up at!  So I began scouring around for help.  And I found this great place. 

I think the cardinal rule of love and relationships is simple.  Treat others as you would treat yourself.  And follow the love chapter in the Bible.  It doesn't matter your religious beliefs, that is pure wisdom and life lessons.