Post # 1
I won’t go through the whole back story on this one because it’s long…I’ll just say I have had issues with DH’s ex girlfriend since we started dating 5 years ago. Every few months she would pop back up and initially start out messaging/texting SO (at the time) platonically. Eventually, this would lead to her actively seeking to reignite her relationship with him and trying to break us up. After the second or third time of this happening and me finding out through snooping, I told my Darling Husband i wanted to know everytime she contacted him in order to avoid any misunderstandings or me thinking something is going on when it’s just her contacting him. I also requested that he not play into her game and stop responding to her messages.
So, we haven’t heard from her in quite a while…about a year or so and I thought this was all finally over. Well, earlier today I was logging onto facebook (or at least I thought it was my fb) and I had a new message. When I clicked on the icon I noticed it was from the ex…and I immidiately realized I was signed onto DH’s account. At this point I was too curious to turn back so I read the messages. There was really nothing racey in there at all, but they had sent about 10 short messages back and forth over the past month. The first set had to do with some old website Darling Husband used to have in high school and she brought it up to “poke fun at it” and then on Monday she sent him another message about our dog’s name and they sent back 2 or 3 messages to each other about this. Both times these little conversations were initiated by her. So again, the conversation was meaningless.
Still, I can’t help but get this icky feeling in my stomach. I really believe he isn’t mentioning she sent him a message because it’s not a big deal and they’re conversations are about an old website and our dog’s name…but I have requested multiple times that he just mention to me when she pops back up on the radar again. I don’t understand why he won’t just do this for me. I simply don’t trust her and with our history, I have pretty good reason not to. I guess it really just bothers me because this is how it always starts with her…stupid, seemingly meaningless conversations. At least now she doesn’t live near us and Darling Husband and I aren’t in a LDR (which we were for a while and she lived near him during this time). I don’t know how to bring this up to him because I don’t want him to become defensive about me snooping.
I guess I just want to know if I’m overreacting by feeling this icky about these silly messages? Deep down I know they aren’t a big deal, I think it’s more so my dislike for her. Is it even worth bringing it up to DH?
Thanks for listening/reading!
Post # 3
You know, I have the exact same arrangement with my Fiance and it infuriates me to no end when he fails to tell me she messaged. Now, this is my own personal experience, but take it for what you will.
We’ve had this conversation several times and what I’ve found to be true is that he just isn’t thinking. To him, her messaging isn’t a big deal. He isn’t interested, he isn’t perusing, he’s just trying to be nice to her for long enough for her to be satisfied and leave him alone. To him, it’s more headaches if he tells me she messaged. He thinks that I will freak out or obsess or make a scene, when all he really wants is to be left alone.
I would bet that your Darling Husband is trying to do one of two things. He could be trying to deal with the situation himself and is afraid to tell you what’s going on because he doesn’t want to upset you. Or, he may not see one or two line messages as anything worth writing home about. To him, her messages could be the most inconsequential things ever, but to you they most certainly are important. You see her patterns; he just sees things in short instances, as he has to deal with them.
You should tell your Darling Husband, but tell him straightforward, honestly, and be calm. That last part is the most important. Chances are your Darling Husband is going to tell you that it just didn’t seem important and, as hard as it is, you’ll need to accept his answer. You know what she’s really up to, he’s probably not thinking about it that much.
Hopefully that’s helpful and not presumptuous. Good luck! Don’t let this little pain get in the way of your big happiness.
Post # 4
Like you said he probably does not think it is a big deal and that’s why he didn’t mention it, so that you would not be upset.
I actually had a similar situation with my fiance. A girl I used to work with, (very immature) decided to friend my fiance on FB and block me from seeing all the messages and conversations. I also found out by accidently logging in to his FB account and saw all the posts between them. it was all stupid stuff but it really bothered me and I told him that it really bothered me. He of course didnt even know that she had blocked me and I asked him to tell me whenever she did contact him. He replied with I’ll just block her too. I told him that was not exactly what I wanted because I never want to stop him from talking to anyone no matter who they are that all I want to know is what they are saying. He said “you are a million times more important than she will ever be” and blocked her anyway. I realize this is not the same situation because 1. she was not his ex and 2. He didn’t know she blocked me from seeing but it does have the same moral I guess. I’m sure he loves you and if he really knew how much it bothered you he would stop responding and/or block her.
Just talk to him about it. Tell him that you accidently logged on and saw the message thinking it was your own. BE HONEST and he will understand.
Post # 5
@OohShiny: Agreed. Be calm too.
Post # 6
I dont think its a big deal and thats most likely why he hasnt mentioned it.
Post # 7
He hasn’t mentioned it because he prob doesn’t want to potentially start an argument about it (even though you now know what the topic of it was) lets say you didn’t. He would have to explain it, show you, talk about it – and there goes 1 hour of talking about something that ultimately isn’t important when it comes to yalls relationship. :/
However, I can totally see why you would be peeved, b/c you did specifically ask him to tell you….
Perhaps you can confess & proactively say to him, that you understand why he didn’t mention anything (since it was harmless) and that you only want him to tell you when she crosses the line?
Post # 8
Thank you all so much 🙂
This is the reassurance I needed. When I let it just sit in my head I tend to build it up into something it definitely isn’t.
I really like the suggestion of revising the “tell me every time she contacts you” to “tell me when she crosses the line” I always felt overbearing making that request, but I just didn’t know how to handle it.
Also thank you for the reminder to stay calm. I think this will help reassure him that I do trust him and it’s okay for him to tell me things like this and it not have to be an hour long conversation.
Thank you again 🙂
Post # 9
@Aggie10: He should tell you every time. I had this issue with my fiance while we were dating, and he actually did tell me every time. He forwarded the girl’s email to him or told me “so and so texted me xyz”…he did it til I personally didn’t care anymore. But I was grateful that he respected my wishes and did, even though it seemed “petty.” If it makes you uncomfortable, he should do this small thing. The fact that he’s not telling you doesn’t mean anything could ever go into a bad territory…but it also shows that he is blatantly ignoring your wishes. You need to have a talk with him again.
Post # 10
And for what it’s worth, remind yourself that he married YOU not HER.
That always helps put it in perspective for me when DH’s ex contacts him for whatever reason. They still keep in contact, and it used to bother me but then I take comfort in the fact that its me that he chose to spend the rest of his life with and not her.
Post # 11
He probably just doesn’t want to upset you over nothing. He figures nothing is going on, it’s not a big deal and nothing crossing the line has been said. What he’s missing/forgetting is that you need to be able to trust him. Hiding stuff a conversation like this when you asked him to tell you about it, no matter how innocent, is still hurtful to you.
I would just sit him down and talk to him about this. I’m sure he meant no harm, I think you just need to be clearer about why he needs to be telling you when she sends him a FB message.
Post # 12
I would not be so cool with this. The girl needs to move on and be told that contacting a married ex repeatedly when you aren’t really friends anymore is inappropriate. Personally, I would not be afriad to say “DH and I have been together for 5 years now. I think it is time you stopped contacting him.”