Post # 1
A little background: my mom and I are incredibly close, maybe too close for many to understand. But it’s a relationship that I’ll defend into the ground if I have to because I’m an only child and I grew up in a single parent house hold. It’s not like she cuts my food or pays my bills, but we spend a lot of time together and she has helped us SO much with this wedding, financially and emotionally (for me).
My fiance grew up very broken and has no real relationship with his parents. He’s very much a loner, not emotional with anyone but me and still has a wall up when it comes to my mom. Like she cannot get as close to him as she’d like as a future son-in-law. It is what it is, we were raised differently.
Lately, in regards to wedding stuff, it seems like at every turn, my FI is saying or doing something that could be interrpreted as rude and my mom of course takes it that way. Most recently, my mom came over to drop off my gifts and the HUGE hope chest she had made for my shower. As we were carrying stuff in, he seemed nothing but annoyed that this chest was in our apartment. Totally unappreciative and disinterested. I asked him to show my mom his wedding band and he with an attitude got it for me. There was so much tension in the room b/c I was trying to keep his attitude in check while not look like I was “taking my mom’s side” which is what he ALWAYS thinks is the case.
I’m blaming both of them because like the title says, he can be overly rude and she’s overly sensitive. I’m just sick of being in the middle of it. Anyone else in a similar predicament?? I’d love to hear your thoughts!!
Post # 2
I don’t have much relatable advice, but I’m just wondering if you guys have discussed how you want to deal with family as a couple? Because it seems like there’s a big disparity there, which can be fine if you negotiate your terms and meet in the middle somewhere?
If I were you I would insist on absolute warm politeness no matter what when it comes to your mom. Period. Even if she’s being “annoying” or whatever. Loving parents deserve your love and respect even when we’re not in the mood.
He might ask you for warning when she’s going to be over, even if it’s just a pop in. So he can get his head right.
You could also discuss how you expect your own family unit to operate if you’re planning for kids. That’ll be a learning curve for him if he has emotional damage about the parent/child relationship, and it’s best to navigate your completely different takes on family in advance. Good luck!
Post # 3
MrsBuesleBee: Great advice, thanks! And I couldn’t agree with you more about remaining polite regardless of the circumstance. I really don’t like either of his parents to be honest, but they’re still his mother and father and I’m always polite and respectful to them even when the things they say and do are ludicrous!
Post # 4
- Wedding: December 2014 - Norton Country Club
I know it’s just one situation, so this could be too-specific to be helpful. Since you were obviously feeling your fiance’s attitude/annoyance/disinterest in the scenario you described, I don’t think she was being overly sensitive in this case. It sounds like she would have been justified to feel put-off by this one, just like you seem to be.
I think MrsBuesleBee:‘s suggestions to be on the same page about family are spot-on. If he’s not used to the attention of an affectionate parent, maybe he feels coddled or smothered or otherwise uncomfortable. Maybe having boundaries for family time (and possibly gifts? not sure if that’s just a coincidence or possible irritant here) would help everyone. It could let your mom know where the line is, let your FI know what’s really important to you including how you expect him to treat your mom, and let you not be stuck in the middle.
Post # 5
I think the best solution is that your mom doesn’t just drop in, your FI gets a heads up.
And, your should FI act like a kind, respectful adult when she’s around.. Whether he wants her there or not. That should be common sense, to treat others with kindness, but given that he has a bad relationship with both parents.. It may be something he needs help learning from you. Overall, you need to come up with a way to deal with family together, that suits both of your needs.
Although, in this particular situation, it sounds like your FI was just straight up rude to your mother. Which is never ok.. And should be articulated to him. I’d be livid if my FI treated my mom like that.
Post # 6
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
MrsBuesleBee: This is solid advice. Add my two cents to hers!
Post # 7
BurlapnLace: Im wondering how often your mom is around? I only say this because my ex was this way. he was an introvert and im a total extrovert so company doesn’t really bother me. I deal with social situations and family interaction really easily and really well. he on the other hand found even the simplest of visits incredibly draining. he also had strained or nonexistent relationships with his own family and im incredibly close with mine. So it was just always a struggle between us. Im wondering if maybe your FI feels like she visits too often or is to involved in your life now that you two are making your own life together? there’s being close to your mom and then there’s always having your mom involved in everything you do. Not to mention if he is in fact like my ex and doesn’t do well with unexpected company or company in general he may just feel overwhelmed with the visits. My ex would need time to prepare for a visit and time to recharge after one because it just took so much out of him to be comfortable and social. I never quite understood it but I respected his feelings on it. It might be a good idea to talk to him about why he feels the way he does and acts the way he does. Let it be a “safe space” conversation where he can be honest without fear of backlash from you since it’s about your mom, which can be a very sensitive subject. Let him talk and really listen and then try and find a way to meet in the middle.
On the flip side, you need to also put your mom in check. It won’t be very fair of you to talk with your FI about his behavior and not address the same thing with your mom if they both play a part in making things so difficult for you. If you two are close this part shouldn’t be a problem 🙂
Post # 8
BurlapnLace: my FBIL is the same way. We are closer with our family than my Sister’s FH is with his. He’s a jerk about the same kind of stuff. She’s found that giving him a heads up is huge, we all know not to show up unannounced and respect that except my mom, who doesn’t seem to respect anyones boundaries which is a whole other issue….
I think you need to have a talk with him and a talk with you mom – they both need to respect the respective relationships and realize that a relationship with you requires a relationship with the other
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
MrsBuesleBee: This exactly.
Post # 10
Bottom line I would never put up with my DH being rude or huffy around my mother. I relate tremendously to you as my mom is my best friend. She has helped us both throughout our relationship and is like a mother to my guy. We both adore her and if he ever treated her poorly it would be put to a stop.
For me that kind of crap is a deal breaker. I know that seems extreme but family is everything and although my husband is now my primary family it doesn’t mean you abandon your love and respect for the woman who raised you by letting her always feel uncomfortable and stressed around your future husband.
I also feel like you stating she is sensitive is your way of defending your man even though you feel tense trying to manage his temper. Obviously if you have to babysit him not to hurt her feelings and you feel his irritation your mom is NOT being overly sensitive. I would get to the bottom of why he gets this way? Is he jealous of your bond with her? Or is he wishing he was all that mattered to you? Figure that out first.
My sisters boyfriend made a horrible comment about my mom being annoying and negative and I flipped on him. Then I realized I had less respect for my sister in this situation as she didn’t defend our mother. I nipped that in the butt right away that he can’t say those things in front of me.
Post # 11
I agree with the giving him a heads up and allowing him space. It sounds like she’s around a lot, which would be enough to try anyone’s patience. You say she doesn’t pay your bills but she paying for a lot of your wedding, which is essentially the same thing, which means she is involved in a LOT. maybe it’s just too much for him and you need a serious discussion about whether or not the dynamic between the three of you will support a happy marriage.
Post # 12
stardustintheeyes: She never comes by unannounced nor even that often, she’s just been by a lot lately dropping off wedding stuff and the like. We’ve had dress fittings, accessory shopping, errands to run so we’ve been spending a lot of time together. Everything she does comes from a loving place and is always in our best interest. They both feel a need to be in control, that’s a big root of the problem. Specifically, he flat out didn’t like the hope chest nor its size. I liked it because of it’s meaning and what she went through to have it made for me. Guess what, FI – I don’t like the enormous, ugly ass armoire your mom gave us, but out of respect I kept my mouth shut.
abm0611: I call him out when I feel he’s being out of line – I’ve embarassed him at Thanksgiving dinner for that matter. I don’t tolerate that shit. However, I do know that my mom takes things personally. I’ve tried to explain to her that he’s not the warm and fuzzy types we are b/c it’s not “where he comes from”. He really doesn’t have a sense of “family” but is working on it and I know he’ll be completely different when it comes to our own children. I also think he was a bit butthurt that my mom gave me a lot of things that were not on our registry, so he felt they were exclusively for me (??). But we’re not talking purses and shoes, she got us a beautiful wine glass and champage flutes with our names and wedding date, with claddagh’s and the Irish trinity etched on them. They’re gorgeous!! His response? “Why’d she get us those? We didn’t register for that…” Well, no, but she’s thoughtful and likes to think outside the box. What the fuck is your problem??
Post # 13
BurlapnLace: Going through this exact. same. thing. I just had a full on cry fest conversation with both of them at different times and bascially said to him, “be nicer” and to her, “don’t be so sensitive” at the end of the day they don’t HAVE to get along but they do have to be cordial if they want to make me happy. If he loves you, he will understand.
Post # 14
winstonchurchill: She’s not around a lot, just as of recently she’s had to drop off stuff she’s acquired for me for the wedding. I couldn’t make it to this particular store to buy vases I needed for the table tops, so she went and picked up everythign I needed so they wouldn’t sell out. When I said she was coming by to drop them in our garage, he got all huffy. I said, “She’s not staying for dinner, don’t worry. Why, did YOU want to drive out there and get them??” She was literally in and out in ten minutes.
Post # 15
ezasabc123: Thank you for that – it’s good to know I’m not the only one!