Post # 1
My sister was married this past Friday. It was the most exquisite. I was bestowed as her Maid of Honor. I feel that I was robbed of this once in a lifetime opportunity by one of the bridesmaids. The BM was a best friend.
She took the initiative to take on my tasks without asking and most of the time did them when I was unaware. It became very apparent once we arrived at the location. For example, the BMs, mothers and grandmothers were brought to the bride’s private quarters for my sister’s dressing. The BM literally stepped in front of me and assisted with the dress, veil, I tried to step in for the garter, no luck, and it was all documented in photos.
My sister finally approached the BM to step aside, but it lasted a moment. This continued through the rest of the evening, including the bustling, where I finally spoke up and succeeded, and then went on the extreme of seating herself next to the bride at the head table. Lucky for me, she wanted nothing to do with the toast. Unfortunate for me, I didn’t present myself very well. I was lost for words, lost my train of thought and began crying in front of the guests because of this BM! It was a humiliating experience.
The day has come and gone. Why do I feel so emotional? As I mentioned, I lost this precious time with my sister. It can’t be replaced. Am I being irrational? I’m losing sleep over this.
Last evening, I thought I could help myself by contacting the BM to let her know how I felt. I was very cordial and non confrontational. Her response was: I’m sorry you feel this way and I hope I didn’t contribute to it whatsoever. I do think you’re going to hurt your sister’s feelings if you speak to her about this.”
And to add salt to the wound, she keeps emailing me this exact message almost every hour:”You really were a wonderful Maid of Honor!”
Is she completely oblivious? Is she happy from what she gained? I have no intention of going to my sister. The last thing I want is for her to remember this. I was hoping that while she was on her honeymoon, I could come to grips and somehow accept what had happened. Should I approach the BM again? I really need some enlightenment and help from anyone on this board.
Post # 3
I feel like I have a little bit of perspective on this… I’m a bride (in 5 days!) with 5 bridesmaids, and 3 of them are being pretty territorial over me. I have 2 younger sisters, and when I got engaged we all agreed that we wouldn’t make each other MOH, b/c it’s awkward to choose between sisters and difficult for two people to share MOH responsibilities. I have a best friend who would have been an obvious choice for MOH, but she has a *lot* going on in her life right now, and wouldn’t have been able to handle it. And I have a close friend who lives near me (the other BMs live near my hometown where I’m getting married), and I asked her to be MOH b/c we were close, I felt she could handle it, and since she lived near me she’d be able to come and help with things.
At this point, my middle sister, my best friend, and my MOH are all having a little bit of a power struggle, and I’m worried that it will only escalate on the wedding day, and we’ll end up with someone having hurt feelings like you do. Both the sister and the best friend keep jumping in on things that the MOH ought to be doing, I think that they think “well, I would have been the MOH except blah-blah-blah, so I should get to blah-blah-blah.” There’s a lot of “I know her best” or “I’m her sister” or “I’m the MOH” getting thrown around. The fact is, I chose them *all* because I love them, and I wish they would stop fighting amongst themselves.
The best thing for your sister would be if she didn’t even notice that you and the best friend were having a conflict – hopefully she just felt surrounded by loving, supportive sisters and friends. If I were you, I would not bring it to her – it will just sour the memories, and there’s nothing to be done about it now. I don’t think her friend meant to be hurtful… it sounds like she just got excited and over-eager, and kept trying to put herself as close to her friend as possible. But I’m so sorry that you’re hurt over this. Try to remember that your sister chose you as the MOH, and that she got a wonderful day surrounded by friends and family… and that you’ll always be her sister, no matter what happens with her pushy friend 🙂
Post # 4
Oh no…I’m so sorry this woman ruined your day to be your sister’s MOH! My best friend had this happen to her when she was a MOH in another friend’s wedding. The only thing was, the bride DIDN’T speak up and just let it slide. My best friend was crushed and her and the bride don’t really talk anymore. It’s a shame!
I agree in that I don’t think you should let on to your sister that you were so disappointed with this. I do think you have a right to confront the BM again and let her know that she WAS the cause of your hurt feelings and you thought she should know so that she doesn’t do this to another MOH in the future! It was rude of her to take over all of your responsibilites, AND you were the bride’s SISTER! Clearly, this woman thrived at being the center of attention, and this was the only way she could have done it. Maybe she felt robbed out of not being chosen to be MOH by your sister, but it was your sister’s choice, and you need to let her know that. It was extremely rude for her to have done what she did. Now that it’s over, there isn’t much you can do except to let her know how you feel.
Again, I’m really sorry to hear that she took all of your responsibilites away, but glad that you are speaking out about this. If your sister should bring it up to you, you can just let her know that you were hurt a little, but that you were just glad she had her special day. End of story.
Good luck in confronting her again, and let us know how it went!
Post # 5
Aw sweetie, I am so sorry! I don’t think you were being irrational. It is a special time and you had every right to do all those things for your sister. That is exactly why my sister is my MOH.
I definitely would not talk to your sister about it, but she might bring it up after she gets back from her honeymoon. If she asked the bm to step down then she noticed it as well. I would try and talk to the bm one more time and make it clear that she did contribute to the way you feel because she was the one doing all your duties. She could have felt passed over as MOH since she is bf of your sister and her ugly side came through. Either way, I’m so sorry it happened.
Aside from that, there isn’t much more you can do. Like you said the day has come and gone. Your sister is married now and that was the point of it all right? 🙂 There will be so many other things coming in your sister’s life that you will be able to share with her.
Post # 6
Oh, I’m really sorry to hear what happened!! That’s a hard thing to prevent or deal with, it was very awkward of her to do all those things and would be even more awkward for you or the bride to say somehting. Looking back, it might have been a good idea for you to be a little more assertive when she was doing these things b/c the bride probably didn’t want to be the ‘bad guy’ on her wedding day. But still – that’s so frustrating, I mean who does that??
I mean, if I were the bride and was expecting my sister MOH to zip up my dress, etc., I think I’d have a panic attack if one of my BM’s jumped in to do it instead of her. I think I would have definitely said something like “Thanks BM, but this is what the MOH is getting paid to do” (a joke, obviously, but getting the point across).
I am the ‘best friend’ BM (going to be right behind the MOH) in my best friend’s wedding and another BM is already acting like the girl you described. She’s unemployed right now so she’s devoting every day to helping out the bride with stuff and at her shower plunked herself down next to the bride (when we were all sitting at a spearate BM table!) and I know on her wedding day this will continue. My attitude is as long as the bride is happy on her wedding day, that’s all that matters. She knows in the back of her mind that I am her best friend, nothing will change that.
Post # 7
Thank you so much for your comments. I’ll let you know how things transpire.