Post # 1
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
I’ll start by saying this is a VERY sensitive subject. I know that. I just wanted some feedback on what you would do in this situation. I am concerned for my friend and am wondering if I should keep my mouth shut like I have been doing for a long time.
I have a dear friend who is 32 years old and obese, probably a 34 BMI. Her weight has truly snuck up on all of us in the last 7 years. She eats poorly (everything processed, never cooks, no breakfast, lots of chicken patties and hot dogs), never exercises, and has a family history of obesity.
She has been trying to get pregnant for 13 months. Nothing. Her husband smokes weed quite a bit also. She just resigned herself to the fact she has to go the doctor for fertility intervention. She’s extremely upset.
The thing… I don’t think she thinks her obesity is a problem at all. She never, ever complains or makes a peep about being overweight. No one, I mean NO ONE, in our circle ever has hinted to her that she might be unhealthy. Could she really not know obesity can affect her fertility?
She keeps saying, “Getting pregnant is a lot harder than people think!” but part of me wants to yell, “Take care of your body and you might have a shot!!”
Would you ever say anything to a friend who is obese and can’t get pregnant? Or smile and pat her on the back like I have been doing for over a year?
Post # 3
@lealorali: NOOOOOPE! Not ever, not even if I got a piece of cake for saying it and not even if she asked me flat out…could my weight be a factor in my journey to conceive?
I’d sit there and scratch my head like she’d just come up with the most amazing epiphany I’d ever heard and be blown away by the revelation that she correlated her health to her ability to become pregnant.
Why you ask?
Firstly, I never interfere with other people’s journey…even if they’re walking into a bear trap and will most likely have to gnaw their own foot off to get out of it, I’m their friend, not their protector…
And second…I am a coward and will do almost anything to avoid getting the crap kicked out of me by a woman that wants a baby and is having trouble getting one…they are dangerous.
Post # 4
@lealorali: I know someone that is really obese – I am thinking over 300lbs and around 5’5 and when she’s been trying to have a baby and it was not working she was blaming the pills she used to take and that it screwed her body up. I so many times wanted to tell her that her weight s not helping, that she should do someting with her health before she trie to have a child. But me and her are not that friendly so I felt like it wasn’t my place. ( she eventually did get pregnant, the baby is not healthy though, huge delays in development and some physical issues as well – not saying it’s because of her weight but I personally think it probably didn’t help)
Now if this was my good friend I would gently tell her what I think even if I risked her getting mad at me. I’d try to help her make better healthier choices.
Post # 5
Ok, firstly BMI is not the perfect determining factor in who is obese. I have a high BMI and I would defy anyone to call me obese, I am muscular as all heck.
Secondly, I was in a VERY similar situation with a friend. Who was TTC, who smoked a pack a day and would lament at why her metformin/ chlomid whatevs was not working.
I did sit her down and tell her that she did not get to complain about not getting pregnant until she took control of every aspect of her life that could be preventing it. I flat out told her if she did not quit I would not be able to validate her frustration at not having a baby. This was tough love for sure, and she was pissed at me for a while.
She conceived two months later, and a year later still thanks me for being the only one to tell her how it is. Apparently even her fertility specialist was just telling her to TRY to cut down.
If you have the sort of friendship that can weather a storm, then do it. She may just thank you for it one day. 🙂
Post # 6
Let her doctor talk to her about her health and fertility. I appreciate that you want to help, but it’s really not something in which you should be involved unless she comes to you for support.
Post # 7
@lealorali: No! First of all, you are not her doctor. You know nothing about why she can’t get pregnant. If she goes in for fertility treatments, a doctor will talk to her about other things that can be affecting their attempt to conceive. A DOCTOR.
Secondly, my mom was incredibly overweight for years… definitely way over a 34 BMI. She somehow managed to have four kids, even having two after experiencing an ectopic pregnancy and losing an ovary. To top it off, my step-dad only has one ball from testicular cancer. So fat people can get pregnant.
Post # 8
It will probably be the first thing the doctor points out to her. If she’s already planning on going to the doctor, i’d just let them do it!
Post # 9
@lealorali: I wouldn’t say anything. I would just leave it to her doctor to decide what to do next.
Post # 10
Personally, I think if you are good friends, it is fine to mention something if she is complaining to you. I wouldn’t bring it up out of the blue, but if she’s ranting or sad or whatever, say something like “I know this is a really sensitive subject and I have hesitated to bring it up, but it is possible that your health is contributing to your inability to get pregnant.”
I know it’s sensitive and she will probably be pissed at you, but what is the point of having friends if they can’t tell you the truth? I think it’s so lame to pussyfoot around an issue when someone could really benefit from some gentle straight talk. Hopefully eventually she will realize you are coming from a good place and forgive it.
Post # 11
Your friend knows she’s overweight. There’s no way she doesn’t. Even if she doesn’t mention it, or she’s living in a state of denial, deep down, she knows. Mentioning it to her probably won’t switch on any light bulbs, and it will probably hurt your friendship. It can be hard to sit back and watch someone not look after themselves, but adults have the right to make their own choices. She’s not your wife, so her choices for herself ultimately don’t have anything to do with you. As hard as it is to do, zip it.
(The best you could probably do is try to set a good example when you’re together. Don’t talk about it, just do it.)
Post # 12
@lealorali: Encourage the doctor idea instead! Don’t say anything about her weight, but say something like, “Maybe your doctor will be able to help! You should totally ask him/her. I bet there’s something we haven’t thought of.”
Then her doctor can be the bad guy, ha! Well, not ha! But then she can get the information and you don’t have to worry about her reaction.
My brothers gf is overweight, and she is always going on these insane witch doctor-y fad diets. It drives me nuts! I’m an athlete and a chef, and I could help her so much, but she wants the easy fix. If she asks me directly how to eat better, I’ll tell her. But she hasn’t yet, so I say nothing. Nothing! But I recommended that she run all the diets by a doctor. I don’t think she listened though. Meh.
Post # 13
@lealorali: i would get her a book (what to expect before your expecting) or some articles on conceiving that list all the things you should be trying before seeing a specialist like stopping smoking, eating healthy, taking vitamins etc. she will get the hint & if she doesnt then thats her problem. If its getting too much hearing it all the time just distance yourself a bit.
I am slightly overweight if anyone ever said something to me I would hate them for sure, I know what i need to do I dont need to be told. If you have had the same struggles (trying for over a year) and then conceived then yes you could say what worked for you. Advice coming from someone who thinks they know but actually dont, will not do any good.
Post # 14
To be fair, I’m very overweight (my BMI is higher than your friends) and I got pregnant after 7 cycles of trying. I knew that my weight might be a factor, but the tests from the doctor showed that there was nothing preventing it and then I got my BFP. Other than being over weight I’m actually very healthy.
Weight could very well be a factor (weed from her DH too) but on the other hand it could also not be the reason. There are so many reasons for infertility. Either way, getting PG is not easy and I understand her frustration.
Post # 15
I’d say nothing. I’m a little fat. I know I’m a little fat, and I really don’t need anyone to tell me.
Post # 16
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
@Fizzy8: Yeah you’re right. I mean, but do some doctors just not say anything? Are they afraid of getting sued lol?!
@shaka: good point
@Olivepepper: We do have a super tight relationship. I wouldn’t want to push things though. mehhh