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As many of you all know I broke off my engagement 6 months ago. Well, I have an old friend that I dated about 8 years ago when I was 23. It was not sexual but things were getting serious before I broke up with him, I had a feeling he was going to propose. Basically, I was young and not ready for anything serious but we remained friends. Over the years he would always keep in touch and I must admit he is a pleasure to be around. I have always said he is the best guy I have ever dated! He is so funny, he is smart, he has a great career as a lawyer, his family likes me, his mom is very warm and goes out of her way for me, I trust him and he ADORES me. The problem is he is kinda overweight and I have never dated anyone with weight issues before. He is handsome but I am scared to see him sexually. I love him as a friend, I would do anything for him, I enjoy being around him, he is such a great person to me and I know he wants another chance. I don't know what to do, I think he is a wonderful person but I don't know if I can be sexually attracted to him. Has anyone ever been through a similar situation? How did you get past it? Should I end my friendship and let him find someone that is comfortable with his weight? I don't want to lead him on because I really love this man. I feel like a total bitch for writing this but it is coming from a honest place and I am really sincere.
@Soladylike: It might help if you tried putting yourself into his shoes and imagine how hurtful it would be if someone was rejecting you for aesthetics alone. Would it hurt to give it another chance if he's as golden as you make him sound?
Weight can also change. Not that it should be your mission to "change" him exactly, but usually in healthy relationships, people become more goal oriented and grow as a result of their partners. If this is a journey that he's willing to take with you to help him develop healthier habits, is it really worth putting your nose up at a couple of pounds?
Give him a genuine opportunity to be the amazing guy you know he is. If you are not attracted to him after actually dating him again for a little while, you know the answer. But you might regret not even trying. Regret is worse than knowing.
@JulesSchnooks: Why would you say I'm rejecting him or turning my nose up at him? I would never. I treat him very well, I care about him very much.
well I'm the overweight one in my relationship and to be honest I was rejected a lot of times and to me it doesn't matter if it's my looks or my personality that turned someone off- if it wasn't meant to be it wasn't meant to be.
That being said I almost didn't meet my SO (we met online) because I didn't think I'd be attracted to him, but when it came down to it I SO am so I think that you never really know until you are in the position.
You say you are afraid to see him sexually which means that you are holding yourself back from it. Sure it can ruin a friendship but it sounds like he desires more so it's worth the effort since in the end your relationship as JUST friends wouldn't survive him moving on to someone else if you don't want him anyways. That's just my 2 cents
@Soladylike: Ok, so if you care about him, give him a fair chance. My point to you was coming from a sincere place, and that was for you not to regret losing out on a great guy. You seem to be offended by my word choice, but I didn't intend to do that. I was trying to be helpful by saying once you're in the habit of dating him, his weight might not matter so much.
Not to trivialize your issue, but there is an episode of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air where Hillary had just lost her FI, but she was trying to date again. She went out with a really great guy, but had a mental block against him because he had a mole on his face. It was her way of trying not to get too close to someone else because she was hurt from the last relationship. Even though this example is from a sitcom, it is a real phenomenon. I just don't want you to miss out on an amazing opportunity and feel the "what-if?" or "I should have" later on in life. If you take a chance, you will know from experience whether he is a good match for you or not. If you do not, you will never know what could have been is all I was trying to say.
I feel like on one hand, if you really LOVE someone, you love them at 300 pounds, 120 pounds, whatever the case may be. My husband has put on weight since we've been married, but I love him and have always found him attractive so while I want him to be healthy, there's no way I wouldn't be with him because of his weight.
On the other hand, physical attraction is important. And if this guy really loves you and you're not attracted to him, don't let this continue any further. And don't tell him that you don't want to take things further because of his weight. As someone who has struggled with weight all my life, honestly like that does not help, it actually almost always makes things worse. No one is more aware of their weight or the low self esteem that goes along with that than the person who lives with it daily. The best thing you could do is let him go and hope he finds someone who would love him either way. I don't say this to imply that you don't care for him, or are shallow. But if you know the attraction isn't there it just doesn't seem fair to him.
If you're trying someone on in the context of a long term monogamous relationship, I think being sexually attracted to them is a prerequisite. Don't rule him out because you don't THINK you'll find him attractive, but if you give it a shot and there isn't a spark would you condemn him to a relationship where he isn't desired? He deserves better.
You should challenge your assumptions too - what you like to look at and what you like to get your arms (or *ahem* legs) around can be completely different things.
I think there is a difference between starting a relationship with someone who gains weight versus starting a relationship with someone who is already overweight when something like that is important to you. I'm not sure what the best thing to do is. It seems like it would be a shame to miss out on someone who sounds so great otherwise because he's carrying some extra weight. But if it's a dealbreaker, then it's a dealbreaker. You have to figure out whether it is or not.
@Soladylike: But you are considering rejecting a romantic/sexual relationship because you aren't sure if you could be attracted to someone who wasn't totally aestetically appealing to you. She's not making you out to be a bad person. She's pointing out something you said yourself and asked you to put yourself in his shoes and imagine that he would probably want a partner who could look past his weight issue in a genuine way and give yourself the chance to actually date him romantically because, you can't knock it till you try it. You're not considering rejecting him as a person. You're considering rejecting him as a sexual partner. That's all she's speaking to.
EDIT: nvm. It was already addressed.
If you aren't physically or sexually attracted to him, then you aren't, and IMO this can only ever be a friendship.
I could not even contemplate a relationship with someone I wasn't physically attracted to, regardless of how well we got on, how great they were etc. While sex itself is not the be all and end all for me, at the same time, sexual attraction is what to me marks the difference between a platonic friendship, and a relationship. So if the attraction wasn't there, I could only ever be friends with someone.
If you're not attracted after all of this time then it's probably not worth trying and you should just walk away.
I met my husband on-line. I saw a head shot picture of him only. He did explain that he was a bigger guy, but that was perfectly fine with me, as I am a chubby chaser :)
When we finally met in person I was a little shocked to be honest. He was much bigger than I had realized. I watched him get out of his car, and I swear more and more of him just kept pouring out. It wasn't just his weight, but he is also 6'5".
I was over his weight by the end of the date. Everything that made me like him took over. My husband has lost about 60lbs since we first met, and now he feels small to me which is stupid, since he's 350lbs lol. He's so handsome it's ridiculous.
@Soladylike: but I don't know if I can be sexually attracted to him.
I would think at some point in your long friendship the thought of are you or aren't you has already crossed your mind. While I don't date all my male friends I know pretty quickly if there is any type of chemistry or if I am attracted to them, it really doesn't require too much thought.
Maybe that is just me?
@JulesSchnooks: You did not offend me. This is just a close person to me and I care about him. For you to say that I am rejecting him really hurt my feelings because I would never want him to feel less than fabulous in any way. I would do anything in the world for him. You were not harsh, I am just sensitive about this.
My FI weighed 375 pounds when I met him. I will admit that at first I was nervous but my feelings for him took over and it never mattered to me. Our first time he was very self concious but that soon went away because of our feelings for each other. He's since lost 50 lbs and I love him just the same. Give the guy a chance. If you're a little nervous the first time shut the light off.
@Treejewel19: No you're right. I've known some awesome men in my single days, but you definitely can tell within the first few minutes if it's going to happen or not.
@barbie86: This is my concern and I do not want to give him false hope.
@KatyElle: Of course I love him as a person, nothing would ever change that. But there is a difference in loving a person and fucking a person. Pardon my french.
@mwitter80: Chubby chaser... You are too cute.
@LizTheProcrastinator: I hope you are right. I find him attractive, he is hadsome but I'm nervous. Its been a while, he always knew what to do to spark my *interest* but we never went all the way. He is very charming.
@Soladylike: You say he's attractive. What are you most worried about? It's ok to be honest I think. If you're too worried about judgement PM me.
I was nervous the first time I had sex with my husband. I wasn't sure where his tummy was going to go and all of the logistics with his penis and what not.
@Soladylike: I know there is a difference between loving and fucking. That's why I said, if the attraction isn't there, it isn't there. You file him into the good friend category and move on. Maybe if it's meant to be later in life it will happen, but attraction isn't something that can be forced just because he's a great guy.
@Soladylike: "I find him attractive, he is hadsome but I'm nervous. Its been a while, he always knew what to do to spark my *intrest*"
I think this answers your question. I think if you are attracted and you have the spark the sexual aspect follows along, chemistry is chemistry, and if its not excellent practice perfects the art 
. I agree with pp's you can't force it if you don't have it, but it sounds like you do have it and are maybe talking yourself out of it.
I guess you can't know until you try.
I have all kinds of random ideas about romance and attraction. If you put a blindfold on me- I would never know the skin color, hair type, physique, or age of the lover. My satisfaction would be based on their skill and ability to listen to how or what I like ;)
I get turned on by the thought of a man who protects me , cares for me, and wants to be faithful forever. Those types of qualities are what will make our relationship last and remain secure-not the physical aspects.
I know my body will change and so will my husbands, and certainly not for the better....
Best of luck with everything, take things one day at a time!
@mwitter80: I am nervous about hurting him I guess. My BFF would hang out with us years ago when we dated and when I told her we went to dinner she was so happy. She told me to be careful because she knew how serious his intentions were. He is the type of guy that is a true gentleman. He will not ask me to be his girlfriend or anything like that. He would plan the most fabulous dinner dates, vacations, send me my favorite flowers, bring me my favorite candy, make me laugh, get me drunk (I rarely drink), wash my car (well pay to have my car detailed) and so forth. He is just charming and to know him is to love him. I am scared to give him false hope and be a bitch and leave again. I would not want to do that to him because I really care. He is too good of a person to be mistreated and I would not want to hurt him unintentionally.
@Soladylike: Perhaps then you should communicate that you're not sure what you want yet. Him paying for things all of the time isn't just "friends". You may want to start saying no if you aren't sure. Otherwise, you are certainly sending girlfriend signals.
@mwitter80: He did those things when we dated. When we go out now sometimes I pay because its the right thing to do.
I just want to say that I think you are being respectful to your friend by actually taking the time to think this through. You want to take a relationship seriously, so you want to make sure you are willing to do it justice for his sake and yours. You woudln't want him to be in the position of dating a girl who's not attracted to him -- after all, who would want that? So, kudos to you for taking it seriously.
Like PPs have said . . . sometimes attraction grows, especially when you like someone's personality. It may be worth giving things a try . .. . perhaps spend some more time around him while you are thinking about this.
I'd say don't lead him on. Be honest about the fact that you're not sure how you feel, are still healing from your breakup, and really don't want to hurt him. Take it slow and figure out what your heart is telling you.
In terms of the overweight thing: my DH isn't overweight exactly--or at least I'm not comfortable labeling him as such--but he certainly doesn't have the body he did when we met. For a while his trajectory worried me some ("what if he keeps gaining and in ten years I'm not attracted to him anymore?!"). Then I realized that I really didn't care much. Honestly, he's a better lover now and since I've gotten used to some of the changes I actually really dig the more...curvaceous version of him (TMI, sorry). (He has since stabilized and eats healthy, so I'm not too worried about how this will play out in the long term.) Anyway, my point is that what looks good to the eye and what feels good to curl up next to aren't necessarily the same.
My biggest concern from what you wrote is that it sounds like you have all the power in this relationship. Obviously you care for him, but do you think you can really feel romantic love for him? Or is he just someone who will treat you kindly and always be there?
DH is overweight and has put on a bit more since the wedding and I'll be completely honest, at times I'm not as attracted to him as I want to be. I still love him and am not going to end our relationship, but to be quite honest if he continued putting on weight (he's making an effort to lose it right now) I know it would affect our relationship.
I don't think it makes you a bad person if you're not attracted to someone who is overweight. At the same time...you have to consider that this is affecting their health and could definitely shorten your future with them. It's not like they have a weird nose or something...this is also bad for them.
If at all possible try to make your dates fun and active as often as you can! Like hiking or maybe join a dodgeball team or something. Good luck :)
My fiance is overweight and mainly carries the weight in his stomach. I always thought he was very attractive and love his strong arms and legs and chest. He is just a bigger guy overall. Even if he was thinner, he'd still be a "barrel-chested" kinda guy.
I was never UNattracted to him, but I guess no one really dreams of someone with a "beer belly." But I've learned to concentrate on all the other things I love about him. And I don't think he's disgusting or anything. There are sometimes that I worry about his health, but he does exersize so I know things could be a lot worse.
I think that if you like/love all of the non-physical aspects of this person you should give it a shot, especially if there ARE some physical traits that you DO find attractive. Does he have pretty eyes? A nice smile? Musley arms? Just try and see if you eventually do become more physically attracted to him. But definitely don't lead him on and don't critisize or ask him to change "for you." I think that if anyone is going to have a serious relationship, all the aspects need to "be there" not just some. Obviously things are never going to be 100% perfect but ... the good has to outweigh the bad, whether it's physical attraction, chemistry, etc, etc...
@mrssrm: He is all man and not a push over at all. However, I know he cares about me and will do just about anything to make me smile.
Obviously you care for him, but do you think you can really feel romantic love for him? Or is he just someone who will treat you kindly and always be there?
This is what I am trying to figure out but I'm confused. He is a great person, he is handsome and funny but I am not sure if I want more. At the same time I like being around him. Am I a bad person? He tells me how much he cares about me, I respond as a friend and I know he means something different.
You have to be attracted to your SO. But, lets be honest a mans body is not the best looking thing thin, muscular or fat. LOL As an overweight person myself, I think I am pretty darn cute and sexy naked regardless of the number on the scale. :D Just because you are overweight does not mean you are not attractive....thats silly to me. That is like someone saying because you are underweight you are unattractive... my DH is actually a very slim guy but I always preferred a man with some meat on his bones. But that does not mean I am not attracted to him...
@Soladylike: "I find him attractive, he is hadsome but I'm nervous."
I guess I'm kind of confused. You state that you find him attractive and handsome so it isn't like you are turned off by his being overweight. Are you worried that because he is heavier that he won't be good in bed?
DH is slightly overweight and it has never phased me at all. I love him. And trust me, it don't have any affect in the bedroom. I was of normal weight when we started dating but have gained a bit in the last couple years and would be considered overweight now too (I'm working to get back to how I was). But this hasn't changed DH's attraction towards me nor has it changed how I can please him in bed.
"I find him attractive, he is hadsome but I'm nervous."
I guess I'm kind of confused. You state that you find him attractive and handsome so it isn't like you are turned off by his being overweight. Are you worried that because he is heavier that he won't be good in bed?
- what i got from that is the OP is maybe afraid she won't find him attractive anymore once they are intimate. To put it bluntly, i think she is afraid when she sees him naked, she won't be attracted to him. However, i think attraction is partly based on emotional/mental connection and if you have that with him and want to take a chance for it to go further, than i don't see why not. I was not at ALL attracted to my husband when we met. i thought he was this geeky guy in my stats class and i would never have dreamed in a thousand years i would ever want to kiss him, let alone anything else! But we became friends and i became intrigued with him that i just started seeing him differently...and could never look away, so i married him, lol. I would consider going on a date and when it becomes physical, takes things slow, see how you feel. don't jump into anything and just go with your feelings/instincts in the moment and you will probably know for sure whether or not you want to take it further.
A little overweight is no big deal. A lot overweight can be. IMO, HEAVILY overweight men tend to have problems in the bedroom department.
Sorry, but this post makes me angry. It's what's on the insdie that counts. Honestly do him a favor and let him find someone that loves him unconditionally, and not someone that's uncomfortable by his appearance
@KT808: I am a size 8 and 5'7 with a fairly long lean body. He is about 6'1 and I would say he is 50- 75 pounds overweight. Mostly, in the face and stomach.
@PurpleUnicorn: You are right, I am concerned about seeing him naked. I am not sure how I would react and I would not want to be offensive/hurtful. I am glad you could admit you were not head over heels attracted when you met your SO. Sometimes people grow on you, I guess.
@tiki429: Why are you angry? Are weight and sex issues we can not respectfully talk about?
@tiki429: To be fair, people can't really help who they are attracted to. I think the OP has been very honest about her feelings, and they are valid. It seems that she IS trying to make the best decision in order to be respectful to the man and his feelings. Not sure why you are angry.
My husband and I have known each other for al ong time before we got together, and neither of us were attracted to each other in the least. But now, i think he's the sexiest thing that walks this Earth! Even though I know not everyone sees him that way, I do, and that's what counts.
Maybe try telling him you want to take things slow and not get physical right away, to make sure there really is a connection. My husband and I became best friends before we were ever lovers, so we made a conscious choice to make sure it was what we both wanted, because we knew we could never go back to friends once it was said and done. Luckily for us, it worked out for the best
I don't care what a man's body type is, because when we are in bed I am lost in the moment and not scrutinizing. An unenthusiastic "dead fish" between the sheets is much more of a turn-off.
I'm overweight and have been rejected a LOT for it. What I can say is that I wish people wouldn't have started up with me to begin with if they had a problem with my weight. It's no secret.
I agree with a PP that you shouldn't lead him on if you can't get past it. It's not fair to him, and you can't help the way you feel! Good luck!
I am going to come from a different angle. After reading you post it reminded me a lot of me and my ex. We were best friends to the end. We went through several relationships with other people but I was never attracted to him physically. Needless to to one night (after many drinks) we "hooked up" and it was great. He was so I love with me that he went out of his way to make our encounter perfect. BUT the day after we were both in limbo..... how do we go back to just being friends when we shared such a wonderful evening? Due to this feelings we were kinda forced into a relationship to maintain our friendship. But when the bells and whistles wore off we both realized that we werent happy and broke up. And now our friendship is gone.... done!!!! 8 years of friendship is reuined and I wish so bad to get it back. I know this is long but I just wanted to say unless your 100% sure dont risk your friendship......
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