Post # 1
Hey everyone! Over the weekend I had some issues with a specific bridesmaids. I’ll try to keep it short but I could really use some advice.
Okay so here are the issues I am currently having with one of my bridesmaids:
1) She is planning the bachelorette party without concenting anybody. This is really hurting my MOH’s feelings who has already planned it.
2) She keeps dropping hints about wanting to be my Matron of Honor or some sort of unofficial maid of honor. I have a maid of honor I don’t want another one. (and one time it was not even a hint she just flat out texted me can I be your Matron of Honor. Super awkward)
3) She is catty to the other bridesmaids
4) She has taken the 3 days off before my wedding and has already told me that she is going to come and spend those three days with me. She was not invited and I don’t want here there. I wanted to spend some time alone with my Mom and Maid/Matron of Honor.
5) I have not witnessed this in person by my Maid/Matron of Honor has said that my bridesmaid is being very passive agressive and has made jabs about her not doing everything she could. (I totally beleive this. I love my bridesmaids but she is a passive agressive person).
Here is the issues with all of this my Maid/Matron of Honor is my absolute best friend. I cannot explain how close we are. After my fiance she is the most important person in my life. She is more than a friend, she is family to me. I know her feelings are being hurt. She feels like her Maid/Matron of Honor duties are being snached our from under her. She wants to plan the bachelorette party, she wants to spend the days before my wedding with me, she wants to help me with my dress, and hold my rings, and fix my dress at the ceremony, and give a speech and all of those other Maid/Matron of Honor duties and she is worried that she is going to be pushed out of these by “overzealous bridesmaid”. It breaks my hear that she feels this way.
I feel as the bride, and my MOH’s best friend, it is my duty to make sure she no longer feels this way. Over and over I’ve seen posts on here from bridesmaids in someone elses wedding who are dealing with a similar situation and the advice is always that the bride should stand up for the bridesmaids.
How would you go about telling this bridesmaid to respect my Maid/Matron of Honor and to just relax a little bit? I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings but I need to do something.
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@March1stBride: I don’t think you need to tell this Bridesmaid or Best Man outright to respect your Maid/Matron of Honor. Just refer her back to your Maid/Matron of Honor when she mentions she’s planning your bachelorette party, like “actually Maid/Matron of Honor has that pretty well planned out – did she give you the plan and date? I’m sure if Maid/Matron of Honor needs anything she’ll let you know!” And if she says she’s spending the 3 days before your wedding with you let her know what you’ll actually be very busy doing those days but that you look forward to seeing her at the Rehearsal Dinner (if applicable).
Post # 4
@March1stBride: I had to kind of laugh becuase usually on the Bee we have the opposite of your problem where a Bridesmaid or Best Man isn’t involved enough. Anyway, when the issue of the bach and bridal shower come up, I would just tell her straight out that the Maid/Matron of Honor is handling it and that if she wants to work together with her, Maid/Matron of Honor would be more than happy to have some help.
As for leading up to the wedding, I would just tell her while you appreciate her wanting to take the time to spend time with you, but you will have to make it for a different day because you are very busy.
She may or not not get the hint.; If she doesn’t get it, you may have to be very direct with her.
Post # 5
@mchitt329: Ditto! But you do need to be firm about it and you do need to put the kabosh on her coming 3 days early.
Post # 6
@March1stBride: Contact OZ Bridesmaid and sincerely thank her for her enthusiasm for your weeding and tell her how touched you are that she cares so much. Then tell her that your Maid/Matron of Honor has the shower/bachelorette/whatever planned and if OZ has any questions or would like to help, to contact your Maid/Matron of Honor.
Your Maid/Matron of Honor can also take a more assertive approach by setting up BM’s facebook group to communicate the details of any parties/events she has planned for you. If OZ bridesmaid challenges her, she can refer her back to you so that you can back her up.
Post # 7
@March1stBride: Please see the post by @mchitt329: as I agree with pretty much everything she said. If she becomes more aggressive in the next few weeks, then that would be the time to flat out tell her that she needs to step back.
And I just wanted to add, I think its very sweet of you to be so concerned about this. I think that sometimes Brides get so caught up in the excitement and planning that they can sometimes forget that their BMs are people too and that their lives don’t stop for one (very important) day in the Bride’s life.
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
You need to put your foot down. Tell her you are busy before your wedding, and will see her the day of. When it comes to the bachelorette party, just tell her the Maid/Matron of Honor is already in planning mode, and that she needs to refer to her. That is all you have control over, so take it.
Post # 9
You’re getting some fantastic advice here, OP. Make sure OZ Bridesmaid or Best Man knows that the Maid/Matron of Honor has the bachelorette party all planned and to talk to her if she wants to help. I have a major pet peeve with people just inviting themselves over to spend oodles of time with me without consulting me first (introvert here). Just tell her how much you appreciate the sentiment, but you’re going to be busy and just need that time with your Mom and Maid/Matron of Honor. If she continues to press the issue, you’ll have to get more firm and just say no. I hope everything works out for you!
Post # 10
Thanks for the advice everyone!
I talked to her last night and she seemed to be very understanding. She was a little upset that I asked her not to come for the three days before the wedding but she said that it would be okay.
@LoggerHead91207: Thank you so much for you kind words! I’ve been in a few weddings where I was left feeling less like a bridesmaid/friend and more like I was working a job. I didn’t want to do that to anyone!
Post # 11
As some other posters have said, it’s usually the opposite problem on the bee! Kind of the same happened to my wife, she was Maid/Matron of Honor at her sister’s wedding (for appearances though, not because they are THAT close), and one of the bridesmaids was DYING to be Maid/Matron of Honor. It made for some awkward moments, especially since SO wouldn’t have been particularly upset if she had been a bridesmaid and not Maid/Matron of Honor. Anyway, it worked out in the end, and it seems that it will work out great for you too. I suppose there are worse problems to have (not taking away from your situation, but at least it wasn’t the other way around!). Glad you were able to speak to her!
Post # 12
@sweetaure: Oh I completely agree with you. I think it’s much better to have the problem of too many people wanting to be involved than nobody wanting to.
I’m glad it worked out for your wife and I’m sure it will be fine. I think my bridesmaid was just completely unaware of how she was making people feel. Her heart was in the right place it was just a little too much!
Post # 13
@March1stBride: And you are so lucky! A little too lucky perhaps?!
Post # 14
you don’t want to hurt anyone feelings but this Bridesmaid or Best Man is hurting you and your Maid/Matron of Honor. you need to stand up for yourself.