Painful even at penetration. feel like failure. . doctor's says it's normal

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
4794 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

katiecat08:  Wow! That’s some private info, you’re brave to share! I’m pretty private so I won’t go into much detail, sorry! BUT have you ever tried having a glass of wine first and/or some lube down there? That could really help. And also yes, you are probably getting more tense the longer it goes without happening which is not helping. Good luck! (no surgeries necessary)

Post # 3
Member
4440 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

  katiecat08:  surgery to “open you up more”?? um no!  To my knowledge they don’t do things like that? Maybe the other way around.  Maybe he means to break your heimen (cherry)? If this was not done naturally that is an option. Otherwise, you’ll have to make sure to use lube, or extra saliva. 

Also, have him start with foreplay. Did he not ever use his fingers down there before?  I would suggest you or he does this, and maybe invest in a toy that can help dilate naturally.

Even women with pelvic issues down there don’t usually have a surgery to open them up, this is done with repeated and intensified dilation. 

I hope this makes sense, as I’m typing this quick while at work, kinda NSFW topic but I had to reply when I saw what your husband said you should get done!  

Post # 4
Member
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Please, do not get surgery for this problem.. that is not going to fix this.

It sounds like a combination of things are the problem here. Unfortunately many doctors are not much help with this.

Firstly, you definitely have a mental block contributing to this. It’s hard to enjoy something you have been taught is “wrong” your whole life.You may need to find somone to talk to in order to work through that.

Pre-DTD, do you guys “warm up?” Are you on any type of hormonal birthcontrol? Take things SUPER slow and use lots of lubrication.

There also may be an issue with Vulvodynia or a similar problem. I had this issue for years, and it was plan awful. I had a great OB that prescribed an estridiol cream which helped a lot, but she also encourgaed me to try to imagine enjoying things. Once you get  caught up in thinking it’s gonig to hurt all the time, that contributes to getting tensed up each and every time you and your DH get initmate..and thus it’s like a viscious cycle.

Honestly, I cannot be on hormonal birthcontrol as it causes the problem to be much more extreme. ..and since having a child, the problem has almost completely resolved itself.

<br />Good luck. I know the misery of a problem like this. Feel free to ask any questions if you want.

Post # 5
Member
4212 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Please look up vaginismus, and get a new doctor. If you want to talk more about it, PM me. 

Post # 6
Member
4440 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

 

HappySky7:  I wouldn’t have her try that just yet…they barely even tried having sex for the first time! I would say if this is going on for a few months then I would for sure bring up vaginismus, but if the doctor seems dismissive, then obviously a new one is warranted.

Doctor knows she’s a virgin, they tried maybe once? I don’t think they should throw in the towel just yet. 

Post # 7
Member
1436 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

A good friend of mine experienced something similar, she waited until marriage and had never used tampons. The pain was too much and they couldn’t consumate. They tried buying dilation dildos to help “stretch her”, because they thought that might be the problem and still nothing. After several months they finally went to see a specialist and it turned out that she needed to have her hymen surgically removed because it was too thick (nothing to do with her waiting til marriage, just one of those things). It was inpenetrable. 

Yes, sometimes it’s nerves that hinder sex, but sometimes it’s something much more than that. I’d ask to see an OB as soon as you can.

Post # 8
Member
4212 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

BellaDee:  She should be looking it up before considering surgery, that’s all I mean. Extreme pain with penetration is not normal. Her doctor is being dismissive, and IMO telling her to “just give it more time” is also dismissive. My concern with that is that she will continue to try penetrating, have more pain, become more frustrated, the vaginismus (if that’s what it is) will worsen. etc etc. I think she should be aware of what it is. I think all women should be more aware of pelvic pain. 

Post # 9
Member
616 posts
Busy bee

HappySky7:  yeah but we’re not entirely sure if they used lube or he warmed her up properly. 

 

OP try having DH go down on you and turn you on adequately or have him start to finger you slowly.

Post # 10
Member
4440 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

 

HappySky7:  I definitely agree with you.  I just would hope they try a few more times before switching docs atleast!  She said they “couldn’t even” consumate.  So there was never full penetration.  I’m no doc, but it sounds possibly hymen related.  I’m surprised though that her GYN didn’t look at that and explain it to her, if that was the case.

Post # 11
Member
4212 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

princesslettuce14:  Yes. I agree. But she should be aware of what it is before considering surgery. Part of vaginismus and pelvic pain treatment addresses concerns like that. 

Post # 12
Member
4212 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

BellaDee:  Yes, I agree. I’m throwing vaginismus out there because many women are not aware of it and doctors generally dismiss it, are unaware of it or treat it improperly. 

Post # 13
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Maybe try 1 finger first, then 2, then try penetration again. TMI, but, first time I got 2 fingers inside me, it hurt. A lot. Had that been a whole penis, I can’t imagine how it would have felt! Also, nervousness is almost certainly a factor. So, for now, take the pressure off. Explore each other’s bodies and have fun with other things! More TMI: a good friend of mine went for her first gyno appt prior to getting married, as she was planning on sex after marriage but not babies right away, so she needed bc. The Dr. told her some people are just “smaller” down there and advised her to use a lot of foreplay, lube, relaxation. I’m not sure how their first time went, but they’re having baby #2 soon, so they figured it out!

Post # 14
Member
3624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

katiecat08:  I am so sorry! There is a lot going on here.

First, do you drink? I am not going to lie, a glass or two of wine really helps the process. If you don’t, that’s fine, but if you do, split a bottle of wine.

Second, what kind of foreplay does he use. He cannot go right inside of you without making out, hand play, oral, ect. What might work is if you both have a heavy 3rd base makeout session and you get him off in ways other than sex while he spends a lot of time fingering you (sorry to be literal)– you will stretch. Once a lot of play has happened and you are wet, try coming in from the top. It may take some time and be awkward, and you may not succeed right away, but it will happen.

Third, try to get a sense of humor about this. There are going to be lots and lots of fails over your marriage. As frustrating as it may be, if you can approach it as a “well this is not how I imagined it would go”, then it will go much soomer.

Finally, make sure you feel comfortable with the idea of having sex. We spent the tail end of our honeymoon with my super conservative in-laws. It was so strange being allowed to sleep in the same bed– so much so that DH would stay up and hour or two later than me so his parents wouldn’t see us going to bed together. Finally his dad said “you realize you are allowed to sleep together under my roof now. You are also allowed to have sex. In fact, that is what you are supposed to be doing right now instead of hanging out with me”. Yes it was a total buzz kill, but he was right– we were so scared of having premarital sex for so long that it we never fully connected that post-marital sex was totally okay. 

Post # 15
Member
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church

katiecat08:  Coming from someone else who waited till marriage to have sex, just focus on enjoying eachother at this point. Concentrate on plenty of foreplay. Have him use his fingers a lot. Do what feels good. You’ll get to where you’re comfortable and your body is ready. I know that it’s hard for your husband to wait, so at this point, I’d say give him plenty of oral. 

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