Post # 1
I’d really like your advice. I posted a while ago because my FH said he didn’t want us to have attendants. So I came up with a plan to have three friends invited to stuff in the days before.
Now FH says he wants my brother and one of my friends to stand up with us. The trouble is this. Of the three friends I would have asked to be a BM, one is abroad and that solves that problem. I don’t know if she can even come. Of the remaining two, I would ask Girl #1. But I have already told Girl #2 that we are not having bridesmaids. She had a lukewarm reaction to my request for her to come to the rehearsal or read in the wedding, so I figured she wouldn’t want to be a BM anyway. But then she emailed me saying she wasn’t offended not to be a BM because I wasn’t having any.
What I would really, really like is for Girl #1 (whom I’ve only spoken with briefly and doesn’t know about not having or having attendants) to be my BM opposite my brother. But how on earth do I gently let Girl #2 that I am having one BM, who will come days early and help out, but it’s not her? I think there is some benefit in that Girl #2 made it clear she could not commit to coming early. But what words can I use?
Please help. I wish I just hadn’t said anything.
Post # 3
Is there a reason you can’t have both of them stand up with you?
Post # 4
Yeah, unfortunately… There are two reasons: 1) my FH really doesn’t like the idea of picking friends as attendants, and he agreed to the one because he doesn’t have a sister or brother to stand up with mine. 2) Also, he gets along with Girl #1 very well, they have even hung out together without me, but he and Girl #2 tend to argue and neither of us is sure she is 100% supportive of our wedding, so I think he actively does NOT want her standing up with us 🙂
My default if I can’t find a way to do it is to just not have anybody.
Post # 5
If you don’t really care about the friendship, you can tell girl #2 that your FI changed his mind about having a bridal party but you want to keep the bridal party extremely small. Being excluded from a bridal party of one isn’t nearly as hurtful as being excluded from a bridal party of 15, and if your friend is stable, she will understand.
If you really care about the friendship, you can add both bridesmaids and it will look fine. Two bridesmaids and one groomsman isn’t going to look terribly unbalanced or like a huge wedding party. I would just keep everything really low key by telling your bridesmaids to wear whatever dresses they like, and not requiring hair or makeup or anything else from them. I had a bridesmaid who was in her third trimester and not feeling well, and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings by cutting her from the bridal party, so all she did was walk down the aisle. It worked out fine.I realize your FH may not like this, but he should realize that he caused part of the problem by initially vetoing a bridal party and then changing his mind.
Post # 6
Ah, your reply was posted a few seconds before my post. If girl #2 is not supportive of your marriage, then you have a good reason to exclude her from the wedding party. Frankly, if she isn’t supportive of your marriage and was lukewarm about doing a reading, then I think it is best to just cut her and keep the other two attendants. Just tell or email her that you are planning on having a tiny bridal party, since you don’t want her to feel like you deliberately lied to her as an excuse for not asking her to be a bridesmaid.
Post # 7
Do you even have to tell her? If she’s that good a friend then you should be able to say “Hey, we’ve discussed it and have made some changes to the bridal party, I just wanted to let you know. You’re still good to do a reading through right?” and leave it at that.
Post # 8
I agree with @littlemissmoo‘s way of phrasing it. In addition, if she seems upset/asks about it, you could tell her that you 1) know she can’t make it early and didn’t want to ask her to change her plans, and 2) chose two people who you and your FI are BOTH close to.
Post # 9
Thanks for all your good suggestions! She will be disappointed, I know, but she DID tell me she can’t commit to coming early and didn’t know if she could read in the wedding. Whereas Girl #2 has been there the whole way through, for both him and me.
Thank you for giving me support on this! I know it’s a small deal in the grand scheme, but it was driving me nuts.
Love you bees.