- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
Bee going anonymous here, and let me tell you, my anonymous username is an understatement.
A little background: 5 years ago I was engaged, young, and planning a wedding. 2 days prior to the wedding, my now ex-FI called off the wedding….yes, 2 days prior. One of the worst parts? He and his side of the guests still went on and had the event, just without the ceremony. Basically a big party, while my friends, family, and I went home knowing the party was happening right down the road – his parents didn’t want to waste the money they had spent on the reception, ok I get it. It was a horrible event and it took me a long time to bounce back from that but not without some repercussions. I developed pretty bad anxiety as well as panic attacks, but after a few years of counseling and working on me and not dating, I was able to be off of all medication and be back to a normal life.
About two years ago, I was ready to start dating again and met my, now, Fiance. Great guy, very intelligent, very slow to anger (in fact, never gets angry – weird, I know!), similar beliefs, educated, etc. etc. etc. He proposed early this summer and about three or four days after the proposal, I had the first awful panic attack I had had in years. Since then, and since planning, I have been having worse and worse panic attacks that are literally debilitating. I am back on medication, but because I don’t have insurance at this time, I see my Dr. sparingly and cannot currently afford counseling.
By the time we actually get married, it will have been six years since the called-off wedding, but this is becoming insane. I am a very good, serious, student who is experiencing such bad anxiety that I literally have to leave classes in the middle of them and go somewhere else. The panic is coming out of nowhere. We’ve kept the wedding very tiny to avoid anxiety, etc. But I cannot go on living like this until October! In fact, my memories of being engaged/wedding planning are awful. I realize many of you experience anxiety about planning but this is different: it’s constant anxiety/panic and I believe a little PTSD of dealing with what I dealt with after the called off wedding as well as the abuse that came during that night it was called off. Sometimes I panic to the point of not being able to breathe, shaking, nausea, a total out of body experience and am currently on klonopin, celexa, and Xanax for attacks. But that’s so upsetting to me because prior to 4 months ago, I had been off all meds for years! I feel defeated!
I am at a loss for what to do? Postpone it assuming the anxiety is because I’m just not ready? I haven’t sent out invites yet or anything, so it wouldn’t be traumatic to do that, but at the same time I’d LIKE to be married…at least that’s what I think. I feel like my anxiety/panic is telling me different.
I really need some help and perspective.