Panicking! I want a baby. DH wants to wait. (long)

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Panicking! I want a baby. DH wants to wait. (long)

posted 9 months ago in Babies
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SueDonym October 16, 2010

*Disclaimer: I was a fairly regular poster before my wedding and never forgot the smart and thoughtful advice I got here. I'm using a pseudonym (literally!) because my DH and a few RL friends know my original user name.

I'm 36, almost 37, with a history of Systemic Lupus, and my biological clock isn't just ticking, the alarm is going off. LOUDLY. My husband is 35, almost 36. Neither of us has children or has ever been married before. While my DH definitely wants children eventually (preferably 2 or 3), he wants to wait 6-12 more months to start trying, citing lack of money and marital stress as his major concerns.

The truth is, we are struggling financially. We have very little debt and can pay the bills, but we're also not saving much ($50-$100/month). And there's not a lot left over for fun. Because of where we live, DH's erratic work hours, and my health constraints, it's virtually impossible for us to earn more right now. We do, however, have good health insurance, free childcare, and extremely generous parents who've already told us they plan to cover all the big ticket baby items. I also intend to breast feed and cloth diaper which would help keep costs down. From talking with our parents and friends with children, I'm confidant we could make it work despite the fact out financial situation isn't ideal. According to everyone I've talked to, when you remove healthcare, childcare, and cribs/carseats/strollers, babies are cheap. And given our career paths, our financial situation is likely to improve drastically in 5-10 years....

As far as marital problems, again, we're admittedly off to a rocky start. We didn't live together before marriage because DH didn't believe in it. In fact, he hasn't had a roommate since college, so that alone has been quite an adjustment. Add to that financial stress, his clinical anxiety, and my anger/depression over our finances and living far away from family/friends for his career... It hasn't been an easy year -- but the first year of marriage rarely is, and overall, we both agree that there is much more good than bad. We love eachother very much, we're both 100% committed to making our marriage work, and we're currently in therapy to work through our individual issues and improve our communication. No, a baby obviously won't help the situation, but given that we're already actively trying to improve it, and we'd have a minimum of 9 months -- likely 1-2 years -- before baby arrives, I'm optimistic about our ability to develop the stable, happy foundation our family will need.

I don't know... In a perfect world, I'd agree that my DH is right -- it IS best to have your finances and marriage in good working order before TTC. However, in the real world, I'm 36 not 26. Given my age and the Systemic Lupus, I don't feel like we have the luxury of waiting for the 'right' time.

And my doctor agrees with me. According to her, I'm at the age where literally every cycle counts. Despite the fact that my Lupus has been in remission for years, and overall, my health is as good as it's ever going to be, that diagnoses alone puts me at substantially increased risk of gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia, premature delivery, miscarriage, etc. Factor in my age, and it's basically now or never. Every month we wait to TTC increases the danger for me and my unborn child and decreases the chances I'll get pregnant/carry to term at all. With that said, my doctor does feel that the odds for a healthy pregnancy are currently in my favor, but she has strongly advised me not to wait if being a mother is important to me.

I just don't know what to do. I want DH to be 100% on board with TTC. I don't want to push him. But I'm just so scared that, if we wait, we'll miss our opportunity to be parents. And if that happens, our marriage will be doomed anyway because I'll never forgive him.

9 months ago

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650 posts

Busy bee

HopingToBeaMama April 9, 2009

@SueDonym: I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Reading through your post sounds like there is a lot more going on than just "I'm ready, he's not." Your health background and age make this a little more urgent than most situations.

I think that your heart is in the right place. You want him to be excited and you want him to be on board with trying to conceive. But you are also anxious to get started!

I think that maybe this isn't as black and white as it seems to be. I know he mentioned 6-12 months, but maybe it would be more like 4-5 and that might be easier for you to handle.

To me, this isn't as simple as "talk to your husband, only you two can figure it out." Because I've been there-- my husband wasn't ready and I was soooo anxious to start trying. It's hard to just keep talking to him about it, because basically you are trying to convince him to do something he doesn't want to do (yet).

If it were me, I'd probably do a little research on my own and then talk to my husband. Have you ever read Taking Charge of Your Fertility? I highly highly recommend it. It is a little textbook-like, but it teaches you so much about your body and cycle. So if you read that, it might give you a little head start for when you are planning on starting to try, so that hopefully you are able to get pregnant quickly.

After reading that, you might approach your hsuband about going off birth control, if you are currently on it. I think it's better go off sooner rather than later, so you can learn about your cycles. So if you do that over the next 1-2 months, and take some time to get to know your cycle, you are actively working towards TTC, without physically trying to conceive!

I also think you need to open up to your husband and talk about this a little more. My husband was reluctant to start trying. When we finally did start trying, we got pregnant our first cycle. He was super scared and was happy but wasn't jumping up and down. THEN I had a miscarriage and D&C at 10 weeks. That was devestating for both of us. I think it really helped him understand two things-- one, just because you start trying doesn't mean that you will have a baby the next day. I swear, a pregnancy is nine (ten!) months so the husband has time to get used to the idea! And two, that sometimes it will take a long time to have a successful pregnancy. Maybe if you shared some statistics with your husband about how long it might take to get pregnant, with your health background, and what the risks to waiting are, he might be ready to start sooner. And then talk about how if you start trying in 4-5 months, and then it takes you 3 more months to get pregnant, you wouldn't have a baby until x date...

You might also want to address the other concerns (money and issues between you) during this time too. Maybe put a savings plan onto paper, to show how you guys can go into "savings mode" and save x amount between now and when you might start trying. And how you guys could continue to save while you are pregnant.

Continuing this open dialogue is so important. Neither of you are going to get your way-- he isn't going to want to start now, and you aren't going to want to wait a year. So I would look at this as anything else in your marriage-- a compromise!

GOOD LUCK! Like I said, my hubs and I were on different pages in the beginning, and it was a very sad and lonely time for me. PM me if you want to chat!!

9 months ago

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Wannabee

SueDonym October 16, 2010

@HopingToBeaMama: Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful response! It means a lot. And for what it's worth, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Sending positive thoughts and all the baby dust that you'll ever need your way. You'll make an amazing mama!

As for me, you're right -- both about the fact that this isn't simple and that there needs to be a compromise. Still, it's hard to compromise when it's something you want SO badly and it's your health that, potentially, hangs in the balance. Like it or not, the stakes are simply far, far higher for me than DH. I wish I could get him to understand that.... I mean, the statistics are scary enough, but to have you own doctor implore you not to let another cycle go by... How do you not panic?

The prepping is good advice, too, though I've already been doing that for the past 6 months. From the time we got engaged, we talked about starting to TTC this fall, so I wanted to be ready. We've always been condom users. I've never been on hormonal birth control because of my increased risk of blood clots. I've got 5 months of FertilityFriend charts, and I've been taking a prenatal multi-vitamin and a DHA supplement for the past 6 months. So I guess the good news is that I'm already physically as ready as I'll ever be. We can start immediately whenever he wants to.

I just wish he'd stuck to our original agreement of this fall (which was already longer than I really wanted to wait). An objectively reasonable compromise like 4-5 months seems a hell of a lot less reasonable when it's your lifelong dream, your potential child, your health, and your marriage that may be hanging in the balance.... And who's to say he won't change his mind again if we reach another agreement? Oh, and did I mention that we wouldn't have the financial concerns nor the associated marital stress if I hadn't been so supoortive in helping him pursue HIS lifelong dream (think entraprenurial).... ARRRRGH!

He just keeps pointing out all these celebrities who have babies well into their 40s and acts as though the over 35 fertility panic is some anti-femminist conspiracy, totally certain that a 6-12 month wait won't change a thing....

9 months ago

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7,632 posts

Bumble
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MightySapphire

I think you need to hold him to his original agreement. Bring this up at your counseling sessions. It is your #1 priority right now, and that means he NEEDS to acknowledge that! No marriage is ever perfect enough for a child anyway. (I recommend "Babyproofing Your Marriage btw...)

I guess I think you need to bring up the fact that this is your dealbreaker: something that you COULD NOT forgive him for if it falls through. Maybe he doesn't realize that it will make or break your marriage. And if he did, would he do it then? If not...

9 months ago

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1,942 posts

Buzzing bee

miss-spunkin May 29, 2010 Midwest

@SueDonym: You're in a tough spot my dear! But there is one piece of advice I have received COUNTLESS times since getting engaged, "If you wait until you can afford to have kids, you'll be waiting your whole life."

Truth is, you can save all you want - but life happens. Things break, jobs change etc. Many people had GREAT job before the economy went down, then lost them and had kids on the way - was it wrong for them to try? NO! It will work itself out :) Of course it takes some responsiblity and maturity, but it sounds like you have plenty of that. The important part is that you realize the place you are in and want to save. Many kids grow up in households less fortunate than yours and turn out great :)

I didn't have much growing up either, but I love my parents to death and family means the world to me. It also sounds like you have a GREAT family support system. I would say that don't let financial issues deter you, it sounds like you're both working stable jobs, so that's great. That's all you really need, a job.

After my husband got a job in his field of education, we started trying just a couple months later. It was the stability we needed, not necessarily the financial security. My parents never had financial security (whatever that means), but had six kids and got along :)

I do think it was unfair for him to give you a date and then try to back out. I think that is something that needs to be addressed.

As much as I want to say GO FOR IT esp. because of all your factors/influences, it's really hard to coerce your partner into agreeing. You don't want to have to feel like you need be an independent mother and make him feel like he doesn't have to be a contributing father. He does have to want it too.

I don't want you to nag, but I think it is something you should be addressing consistently.

((HUGS))

Keeping you in my thoughts...

9 months ago

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244 posts

Helper bee

Phantom February 2011

Is this coming up in your counciling sessions? I am also wondering if your husband goes with you to these medical appointments, and has heard from a doctor about the health concerns you are facing if you wait much longer? I wonder if your husband is dismissing the issue because he only hears it from you and not a medical professional. Not that you would make things up, but hearing it from an authority figure might make a difference in explaining WHY you are so anxious right now.

That said, it does seem like you guys are still getting to know each other, having not lived together before marriage by his request. Some people take longer than others to adjust to cohabitation, and it's possible that your husband sees the introduction of a baby so soon after marriage as another stressor when he's trying to adjust to living with just you for now.

9 months ago