Parent Drama- They're Making Us Crazy

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Well it IS up to you. It’s your wedding and if you are not feeling supported by your family, I see no reason why you cannot just decline the money and go to the courthouse and marry your man. If you really don’t want to do that, then I’d still decline the money and do that destination wedding that you really wanted to do.

Clearly your parents are not going to be reliable and so I’d do the wedding that you can afford on your own and invite only those you really want there.

Post # 4
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

Eeks, that’s brutal. I’m sorry that you’re going through that. My future mother-in-law is getting a bit ..umm…over-involved, let’s say and it’s driving me crazy. I listen to the advice/opinions that she shares and don’t take it too seriously. At the end of the day, we are getting married and it’s our wedding, not hers. My FI and I have lots of talks about what we want and what we are willing to compromise on. We originally wanted to do a destination wedding and invite our friends and family but she requested that we do it local so that all of our family could attend (FI’s brothers are in university). That’s fine but we then chose the town and everything else that goes with it. I’m sure that they would be more than willing to pay but with money comes the expectation that she can meddle, which we don’t want. 

So what would I suggest ? Talk to your fiance about what you two can reasonably afford, invite those who you want to attend, and get married. If you both truly want the destintation – do it. If it is the courthouse – do it. 

 

As for forgiving your parents, may I ask how old you are? I only ask because my dad told me when we first started dating at 19 that we shouldn’t get married because we were too young…etc etc because my dad knew how serious we were even then. It came from a place of fear and protection. They have been nothing short of supportive and loving of our relationship as we have continued to date and when my fiance asked for his blessing, my dad eagerly gave it. If you have the kind of relationship where you can openly talk to your parents about what they said, then have that conversation and get to the root of the problem – do they feel that you are too young maybe? Lots of high school/teen relationships turn into marriages that last. Did your fiance ask for a blessing? Would that have been important to them? Could they be miffed about that?

Do what makes you two happy and is right for the both of you. I wish you all the luck in the world. 

Post # 6
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

coachhw:  I think at this point you need to give up on any idea of a hometown wedding and just plan the wedding you want on your own budget. Your parents have proven themselves manipulative and unreliable, and the less power you give them to ruin your wedding the better.

Post # 7
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

Ha, yup, my parents were so anxious about me making a mistake that they insulted me, my fiance, my engagement ring…and I’m 10 years older than you!

My advice – realize that this is anxiety stemming from the fact that they want you to make good decisions for yourself.  Be confident in your decisions, especially around your parents.  My bet is that seeing this confidence from you will relax your parents, that what happened with me.

As for the expensive hometown vs. less expensive destination wedding, the more you are reliant on other people for money, the more you have to listen to them. 

Post # 8
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Your parents sound like my FMIL. Ever since we have gotten engaged, she has been super cold to me, telling me what I need to do for OUR wedding. It is making me crazy. When I told her that I wanted to have a fall wedding, she said “oh, so your going to mess up my camping weekends.” I’m sorry but I thought your SON getting married was way more important than going out and drinking for an entire weekend. She’s been telling me that I shouldn’t invite children because she “did the eitquette thing with FI’s brothers wedding” and I don’t need to invite them. I can’t invite my dad’s family in from Pittsburgh and tell them to leave their children who are  under 12 300+ miles away.

I’ve finally gotten to the point where I am happy and content with just me and my FI going to the courthouse and gettting married. I’m just so over dealing with all of the stuff with his family that I feel like I would be so much happier this way.

So, like the PP have said, you need to do what is best for YOU and your FI. This is your wedding, not theirs.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  arsing89.
Post # 9
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Caswell Beach- Oak Island, NC

coachhw:  Oh honey, I begged my DH on a daily basis to run away with me to the court house so I wouldn’t have to deal with the BS. My parents are amazing people and I love them very much but they went nutzo whilst “helping” me plan my wedding.

When DH and I first got engaged my parents told us if we payed for our reception venue, they would take care of everything else. So that’s what we did.

Fast forward to a few months before the wedding and my parents tell me they’re not paying for anything else. Ummmm… What? Now, I know you don’t know me, but I’m VERY frugal when it comes to other people’s money. I either bought the cheapest of the cheap, or bought the materials to make it if that was the least expensive route. DH and I personally paid for our centerpieces, our cusomized guest book, and a few other things before they decided they were going to cut our funds off.

DH got fed up with the BS and took out a small personal loan just to make sure we could have everything we wanted, and we did.

I said all that to say this. Even though they are your parents and you love them and they love you, something about weddings makes parents go bat shit crazy. It is YOUR wedding, and it should be the way you want it. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad or less than for wanting what you want. End of story.

Post # 10
Member
5 posts
Newbee

Well you know your parents best. Probably this is not something new to you or is it? If they can’t support you with your life decisions, than you have to forgive them and move on without them. You will be living with your fiance afterall and all of your energy should go into your relationship and not satisfying your parents. Be loud and clear about how you feel and what they are doing to you. This way you’ll know you have done everything in your power to make them see how you feel. Respect and acceptance are crucial. 

There is no excuse to behave like that and they have  no right to make you feel like this. You are the one who will let them do this to you or not. Be wise and use your common sense.

Wish you good luck 

Post # 11
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

coachhw:  Oh yeah, there has been some crazy parent antics over here, although not like yours. I am so sorry they are being so unsupportive. Although it manifested itself differently, I had a similar experience where my parents had a hard time letting go. It has been part of the whole process. Planning a wedding is a rite of passage, and to our parents, it is the final way that they lose us. First they lose us when we move out or go to college, and then they finally lose us as we get married. Not all parents experience it this way, but many do, and I think that fueled a lot of the drama in my case. Part of that is also losing their child and letting us be adults- adults who choose our partners, create our own lives, and are able to plan our weddings the way we want them to be. 

If I were you, I would plan the wedding you want that is within your means, the intimate DW. You can still invite your parents if you want them to be a part of your life, but you do not have to accept their money or their demands for a hometown wedding, expecially since they have made it so clear they don’t want to be a part of your life. I think you were very fair in giving them a chance and trying the hometown wedding thing, but they really screwed that up with how unsupportive they were to you. I can see why FI wants to include them too. He wants them to like him, or at least he is probably hoping to create a good relationship with them since they’ll be his family too. Hopefully this is really their nerves showing through and not how they actually feel about you or FI, but their behavior is really unacceptable and manipulative. There are better ways to talk about these things. It can be really hard to include parents in your life when they act this way. 

I am really sorry they did this and I hope it gets better as your engagement goes on like it did in mine. When I started, my parents were being kind of crazy and I think they were struggling with the changes. When you get married, you and FI are a team before anyone else, even your parents. OF COURSE you should be spending more time with him than with them! If you were with them all the time that would be wierd! (in my culture at least, my statement may not apply in all cultures, please call me out if I am wrong) Things have gotten better for me, my parents are treating me a lot better now and I think our relationship has changed to what it needs to be now that FI and I are getting married and are going to be each other’s number ones. I hope that time will allow this to happen for you too, that you can be firm and go your own way, and that your parents will come around and realize who you are becoming and how they can or cannot be in your life. 

Post # 12
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

coachhw:  One more thought: Don’t go to the courthouse right now! Don’t let your wedding be defined by your feelnigs about your parents! That is just what they want. This is about you and FI. 

I would say wait on it for a while to let the feelings die down and then if you still really want a courthouse wedding rather than a DW, do it. You only get one wedding. Don’t let it be defined by bad feelings. Don’t use it as an act in response to what just happened with your parents. 

Post # 13
Member
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Plan the wedding that you want and can afford (It sounds like it’s the destination wedding?). Don’t take money from your parents to plan the wedding and don’t count on anything from them. Invite your parents and be nice to them and tell your mom that you’ll talk to her about your plans sometimes only if she stops badmouthing your FI and if she’s supportive. Tell your parents that this is the wedding you want. No need to tell them that if they’d been nicer, you would’ve let them push you into a bigger hometown wedding that you don’t want. 

i don’t understand why your FI is pushing you to rely on your parents for money and involve them- have you not told your FI what your parents are saying about him and the marriage? Is some of their concern w him based on truth?

Post # 14
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

coachhw:  Stick to the intimate ceremony you are planning now or the courthouse wedding and call it a day. Your parents have jerked you around enough, at this point it would be silly to start planning a big wedding for them when the likelihood is that they’ll freak again and leave you holding the bag. Do what you want to do.

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