Post # 1
My future MIL & FIL started wedding planning by “inisiting” on certain “gifts” as per their traditions. When my parents said no, things went sour very quickly. It is now at a point where his parents refuse to attend the wedding, and my parents haven’t slept in a month wondering what’s going to happen next and why their precious daughter is going through this.
Unfortunately, I have decided on marrying this guy regardless. He’s really stepped up to the plate, and supported ME through all of this family drama. We tried to sit down with our families, and tell them that this is OUR decision and we’d like them to attend. His parents refused, and due to their refusal, my parents are only more worried.
To top off the drama, our community is HUGE. They all know about this wedding, and it is not only going to be a lot to explain, but it’s going to be a hard life for my future husband and me to forever deal with negative energy, snide remarks, and a lot of hatred from his family.
I really want my wedding and my marriage to be a very happy thing. I am very involved with my family and community and I feel like there’s no way to gain their support. Is there any chance of making this happy?
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@sarah_martina: I’m confused, what did your parents say no about?
Hopefully with the year you have FI’s parents will come around, but if they don’t you don’t have to explain that to anyone. This day is yours and FI’s to plan.
Post # 4
Can you give us more detail? What are your FILs insisting on? What culture/community is this?
Post # 5
That’s a probem. For many people (especially older people), cultural traditions are very important. They often have certain ones that really matter to them, more than others. In this case it sounds like a situation where their tradition expects the bride’s parents to honor the groom’s parents in a specific way. To not have that done may be a gross insult in their culture, and they could be deeply offended for a long time and potentially never approve of the marriage.
Why did your parents say no?
I’m all for respecting other cultures’ traditions whenever possible, especially if you’re marrying into the family. (Generally, cultures are traditionally xenophobic, so just allowing a “foreigner” to marry into the family can be seen as a huge concession).
If I were you, I would strongly push for my parents to complete their ritualistic role in my future in-laws’ eyes. If the problem is that the “gifts” are too costly (though I’m not familiar with any cultures with mandatorily really expensive gift or “dowry” requirements), perhaps a more affordable, but symbolically meaningful tribute could be given. I would consult with a third party that is from your in-laws’ cultural and/or religious background to figure out how the tradition can best be met.
If your parents are just being stubborn, ask the third party if there is something YOU can do in your parents’ place to honor your in-laws’ wedding tradition.
You probably guessed it, I am also bride marrying into a culturally different family, and I am bending over backwards to make sure my in laws feel their important traditions are honored. It’s winning me major brownie points… his mom has gone from hating me with an intense venom only equalled by how much she hated every other girlfiend he ever had (she was a tad possessive) to offering her own only diamond ring for FI to propose to me with (he didn’t take it, but that seriously shocked and honored me).
Post # 6
@joya_aspera: Congratulations, you have learned the art of diplomacy. It can be a tough one for many people. You offer very wise advice I hope OP will take it. This is should be such a happy time for OP. I can’t imagine the stress she is feeling over all of this. Congratulations to the OP and you on your engagements.
Post # 7
@sarah_martina: what gifts are you talking about?
You have a year to figure it out and smooth things over with them. I wouldn’t worry about it now, but I’d try and please both your parents and your future in laws as best you can. A wedding is about bringing 2 families together – each of their traditions should be reflected.
Post # 8
I don’t fully understand what is going on.