Post # 1
I posted this in the NWR forum, but think it might be more appropriate here:
I have a friend who is 27 and newly engaged. She lives in a small 2BR apartment in a major city. She and her FI want to get married within a year and start trying for children soon after.
Her dad is not healthy and is on dialysis. He is single. He wants to move in with her and her FI permanently. She doesn’t think this is a good idea right now. She thinks this would be too stressful especially for a new marriage.
He is laying on the guilt really thick, saying that he doesn’t know how they can have a close relationship after she closed the doors of her home to him in his time of need.
What do you all think? Is she being unreasonable or is her dad being unreasonable?
Post # 3
Eeek. I think they’re both being unreasonable. But I guess him more than her, if in her lifetime he hasn’t established the kind of relationship with his daugher that would inspire her to be willing to live with him and care for him it’s a little late now. I could not imagine turning a parent away – but my parents were excellent parents so I don’t know.
ETA: My parents would die rather than ask, let alone insist.
Post # 4
Does he have other options? Move in with another child (your friend’s sibling)?
I think it would be hard on a marriage – especially living in such close quarters. That being said, I couldn’t say “no” to my parents if I was in that situation.
Post # 5
It’s hard, but it could be worse. We are getting married this year and my FMIL had to move in with us because of circumstances. Was I happy about it? No. But I know if a family member of mine was ill or there was some kind of circumstance that needed assistance I would want my FI to understand and help out.
How would she feel if she said no and something happened quicker than expected? What’s worse, the guilt of uncertainty or the guilt of someone not being around anymore?
Ultimately she’ll have to make the choice that’s right for her.
Post # 6
This may sound cruel, but I wouldn’t want anyone living with me (other than soon to be husband), especially during the first few months of marriage no matter what the reason. However, if it was a good friend or my my mom, I’d allow it… but I have a good relationship with them & they’d only ask if they had no where else to go. It probably depends on her relationship with her dad. Does he have retirement or anything that would help as income to go towards assisted living? I mean, if she really doesn’t want him there, they’ll probably both resent it. It will be hard on the FI because he’ll be the “man of the house” & it may conflict with the dad. I never really had a dad in my life so I don’t really know the father-daughter bond. I think it depends on what she feels will be best for her & her dad. Have they been close? Do they “get along”? How does the FI feel? I think your friend & her FI need to have a good long & non-stressful talk about how things would be with him there & if they’re ok with it. They need to make the decision together because it will affect both of them. Sorry they’re put in an awkward situation… I hope no one feels neglected or abandoned or used. However, in the end, things will work out!
Post # 7
Uhm…. as unpleasant as it is to have someone live with you during the honeymoon stage of your new marriage, it would not be a prudent move to turn your back on family. Dialysis is serious and people on such treatment require lots of care and moral support. It wouldn’t be nice of your friend to shut her dad out. Poor man 🙁 Could they maybe come to a compromise? Perhaps he can get a place near her, next door even? So that she can still assist with his care?
Post # 8
I’ve been engaged 3 years now, and my mum died a month after that. I moved home as my dad couldn’t live alone (he’s not terribly unwell, but certainly couldn’t look after himself) and my FI moved in too. It’s been difficult, esp for FI. He still feels, sometimes, like a guest in the house. And it really bugs him that we can’t just go away for the weekend, say, without planning properly – who’s coming in with dinner, sorting out medication, etc. It definitely has put a strain on our relationship. It really depends how close you are to your dad, and how you’d cope if you said no and things deteriorated quicker than expected. For us, it’s tough, but I don’t actually see any alternative.
ETA sorry, I said ‘your’ there instead of ‘your friend’s’
Post # 9
She and her father have had a good relationship, for the most part. But he’s a bit mentally unstable. I don’t think my friend sees this b/c he is intelligent and she has always admired him… but from an outsider’s perspective he can be sort of manipulative and some of the things he says and does are just not normal or healthy reactions to situations.
Anyway, she offered to have him move into the same building. He said no, it must be the same apartment. They just don’t really have room in a small apartment and can’t afford a bigger place.
He has money and I am pretty sure he can get around reasonably well… I don’t think it is that he doesn’t have anywhere to go… he could stay in his house and get care on days when my friend can’t get there after work. I know dialysis is serious, my mother has worked in dialysis for 20+ years… she told me that a lot of younger folks actually do reasonably well and can live pretty normal lives.
He just broke up with a girlfriend, which I think precipitated this…. I dunno, he told her that he doesn’t want to have a relationship with her anymore b/c of this… it’s very sad, I don’t really know what advice to give.