Post # 1
Hi Bees…. this is a fake account to maintain anonymity…
Soo I’m struggling. I love my parents and I love my fiance. However, from time to time, they just can’t get along with each other.
Most recently, my mom and FI were emailing back and forth about one of the vendors. My parents want to find the best they can, and FI did research and found a highly rated option. My parents went to watch an event where the vendor was, and judged the vendor quickly and said they didn’t like him. Ok. So that upset my FI because he doesn’t think my parents actually took time to consider this option.
I know it sounds silly, but this blew up. Last night, my mom called my FI and he didn’t hear it ring bc the phone was low on battery. She left a message he couldn’t quite hear. I texted her and asked if she called him. She said yes, have him call me. FI didn’t want to talk last night. I called her and tried to reason. She got upset and said “Have him call me or I’ll be very worried about his behavior. We’re paying for this”. (They’re paying for the wedding but we didn’t ask them to! We would be perfectly fine with a small ceremony and reception.) I tried to have him call her but he said, no not tonight.
I went upstairs and started crying. He came and found me and hugged me. We went to bed. In the morning, I had a text from my mom that said “[FI]’s behavior worries me. Are you ok?” OMG. I respond, “Yes I’m fine”.
Please give your honest thoughts. Situations like this have happened a couple times in the past. Arguments over nothing really, that get out of hand, and I’m in the middle. I don’t know what to do!
Post # 3
@whycantwejustgetalong: can you reason with your mom? Say I’m put in the middle and while you are offering to pay it is ultimately our wedding and we should have a real say in our vendors. If she wants to pay and pick everything then tell her you may have to choose a smaller wedding to avoid conflict and her input. I think your guy has every right to want a vendor and his decision respected even if they are paying.
Post # 4
@whycantwejustgetalong: wedding’s are stressful and you need to appease both parties. eventually you will find the perfect venue and you can all laugh about it in the end.
Post # 5
@soinlove79: agreed. I would just fund my own wedding to avoid the constant reminder of who is paying for it. Your FI should definitely have say in the planning of the wedding should he chooses. It should not be your parents controlling everything while having your FI just “show” up the day of. Sad to say, since they are paying for it, it appears they are going to want to control everything.
Maybe try having a conversation with them to see where all of this is coming from if it’s not normal behavior. If it continues, just be prepared to have a smaller wedding that you two can afford without the help.
Post # 6
@soinlove79: Thanks I appreciate your opinion. I feel like my parents just don’t like my FI, and they find reasons to pick fights. Granted, he is a stubborn as well, but I just don’t see why something like this should be a huge argument.
Post # 7
@whycantwejustgetalong: I think you need to let your parents know that they are stressing you out and that you are on your fiance’s side.
Post # 8
@trulyblessed: Ugh. I should have told them I wanted to pay for it from the start. I fear we are in too deep now since the wedding’s in June and some vendors have been reserved. They are always controlling when they pay for something. I understand why they want a say when they pay for something, but I never ASKED for any money from them! I tell them again and again how generous it is that they are paying and I thank them. But I honestly would have been happy with an outdoor wedding and a small reception. Or even eloping. Because for me the wedding is about my FI and I, the love we share, and the future we are looking forward to. I hate all this stupid drama.
Post # 9
If your parents are being overbearing I would pay for your wedding yourself. You said you would be happy with a small ceremony.
If you don’t want to back out now (which I would understand) I would take over wedding communication between you two and your parents. A disagreement between you and your parents is nothing but they are reading too much into a disagreement with him. Instead he can forward you ideas and you can talk to your parents.
Post # 10
@Polygon: Believe me, I have told them this time and again, when each argument like this starts. I honestly think they just don’t like my FI.
Post # 11
@AlwaysSunny: Thanks this is good advice. I will try to do this.
Post # 12
@whycantwejustgetalong: Yea, that’s not okay. You need to stand up for him.
Post # 13
I think that you two need to decide between one of two options:
1) Only you communicate with your parents directly unless you are face-to-face/you have made the decision IN ADVANCE that you will both speak on the phone to your parents. Your FI should not be phoning, emailing or texting your parents directly. This way they can’t get their wires crossed and misunderstand each other.
2) If your FI IS directly communication with your parents YOU DO NOT GET INVOLVED!!! The missed phone call would have been no problem if you had not texting your mother asking if she had called. Your FI would have just called her another day when he actually felt like talking. By you texting her, that opened up the lines of communication again and if I was your mother I would have thought it very weird that he “didn’t feel like talking” all of a sudden when you had just texted me. There just seems to be a lot of miscommunication so you need to make it clear who is talking to who (between yourselves as a couple) so that this kind of thing doesn’t happen again.
Generally it is a good idea of each half of a couple to handle their own family. It is much easier for you to tell your own parents that it would mean a lot to you if they reconsidered your favourite vendor than for your FI to say it and “challenge their judgement”.
Post # 14
Pay for your own wedding. They are being over bearing so if you want this to end take the control back.
Post # 15
🙁 That’s hard! I have a different opinion because I think I was raised with a different background. But- pardon me for asking- are your FI and You from different backgrounds? I know that might cause troubles.
For example- the way I was raised- your parents are most important and you give respect to all their thoughts and ideas. However, the way I compromise with this is that I give them a few choices- all of which I’m OK with- and have them pick their favorite. If they don’t like anything, then it’s up to them to find something better by a particular date. If they haven’t, I choose my favorite.
My FI was also raised with a similar background so we deal with these issues the same.
However- one of my good friends, her FI was raised in a family tradition where he is very independent and has his own mind while she was raised in a family where parents are the say in everything. They CONSTANTLY argue about this and she’s always having to run interference, so I know how hard it can be. I think unfortunately it does come down to you sharing both perspectives and maybe couching your fiance’s ideas in a different light so your parents don’t “auto reject” just because they have problems with him.
Post # 16
This isn’t even an argument. You say they’re ALWAYS like this when they pay for something, yet you allowed them to pay for something. They didn’t tie you down and shove their checkbook down your throat, you willingly took their money and willingly gave up control.
Your mother can manipulate you, but she obviously can’t manipulate your fiance. Tell your mother to STFU and if she doesn’t, you two will go down to the courthouse, get married and she can throw her own little party that she paid for that you two won’t show up to – THEN FOLLOW THROUGH. He didn’t want to speak to her. There’s no reason for you to cry about it. That’s your mother, not his. You didn’t need to try and run interference, call and reason with her or anything else. Your fiance said he would call her later, that’s all she needed to know and then she needed to WAIT UNTIL HE CALLED HER BACK. Next day, next week, next month… whenever that was.
If you can’t curb your mother PRE-wedding, then she’s going to be all up in your marriage POST-wedding and you will eventually have your mother paying for your divorce attorney because eventually, people get sick of outsiders s**t.
If you don’t believe you’re strong enough to have this conversation AND MEAN IT with your mother, then you’re not ready to be married, and for your fiance’s sake, you should postpone or call it off all together.