Post # 1
Fiance and I (no, not Darling Husband, just plain old FI) are NOT TTC at the moment, but I figured this was the best place to put this, because when we DO try, we know there will be a lot of complications. I’m already preparing to be put on medication(s) to increase fertility, and all the stuff that comes with it. I have endometriosis, we aren’t sure if he’s even fertile, and honestly (even though this makes me look horrible, please don’t judge me), we haven’t tried preventing conception. No BC, no pulling out, or anything. This has been going on for 8 months now, and although we aren’t married or exactly ‘planning’ for a baby, we wouldn’t be freaked out or upset if it happened.
Well. My parents keep making little jabs at us, or that’s how it feels, at least. Mom will say something like, “I’ve already picked out a baby outfit for my first granddaughter!” My Dad is constantly talking about, “When you two start a family..when you have kids…” I don’t even know how great my chances (or FI’s chances are, for that matter) to even HAVE kids! It’s already upsetting me and we aren’t even married yet, or openly TTC. I’m just getting upset about when we do get married; will the questions get worse? What should I say? That we don’t want kids? (That’s such a LIE! But I don’t want to admit that I can’t have children either…)
I just…I don’t know the point of this post. I’m just getting upset more and more by the day by what my parents (and all my friends, actually) are saying as we get closer to our wedding.
Post # 3
Do your parents know about your difficulties? Sometimes people do not know they are being cruel…
Post # 4
Are you close enough to either of your parents to be honest with them? If I were you, I would say to my mom, “Mom, look, I know you’re excited about grandkids. But given my health issues, I don’t know if I will be able to become pregnant. This is a painful possibility for me. Please understand that for these reasons, I would prefer you and dad put a lid on all the baby talk, until there is an actual pregnancy to be excited about.”
Post # 5
We are in similar situation, except we know it is my Darling Husband with the issue, and know it may not ever happen. We have been married 1.5years and get questions all the time. I just reply ‘Not open for discussion’ or, ‘Not even on our radar’, or ‘only a discussion between my husband and I’. Once I say one of those , the comments quickly go away. There isn’t a way to avoid it, people see marriage then kids as a natural progression. But it is hard.
Post # 6
I have endometriosis and the same fears you have but I am trying my best to stay positive about getting pregnant someday instead of thinking of all the things that could get in the way. I do find my self getting a little envious at times when I hear people getting pregnant the 1st try or getting pregnant on accident because I think that would be amazing rather than “trying”. So that definately makes me not want to tell people when I start TTC (except for the bees for support) I don’t want people to constantly ask me each month because that will just add more stress and dissapointment. So it’s going to be me and my husbands *little secret* when we are trying. Just tell your parents you aren’t ready yet, maybe next year. But don’t let your mind convience you that you will never be a mommy or your parents won’t ever be grandparents!
Post # 7
@StefLovesJamie: First of all, hugs. Second of all, no one judges you for not preventing conception if you are fine with the possible results! Tons of women on here have been doing that for months and soon after they switched gears to TTC they got pregnant. Parents don’t realize how much it hurts us and frustrates us when they make comments about their future grandbabies. We feel pressured when they do that stuff. This is really perfect time to bring this up with your mom, if you are close like that, to discuss that you find the whole “grandbaby” thing upsetting and stresses you out for fears of potential problems and it’s just not something you want to think about until after the wedding.
Post # 8
So, I would either do this – @mightywombat:‘s advice………or if they aren’t getting the hint, start asking about menopause and ED. Make them get the point that your family planning isn’t really their business.
Post # 9
@Cady: I’ve told my Mom. I’m not sure if my Dad knows or not.
I’ve tried explaining to her in a thousand and three ways, and she still relentlessly talks about grandchildren.
Well, I have a younger sister….they can always hope for her to have children if I can’t, I guess.
It just causes a lump in my throat any time I hear that one of my friends is pregnant, or see babies, or see someone in labor (work at a hospital, I type them up to go to the OB floor.) I shouldn’t be upset, or worried, since we aren’t even married yet…but it still hurts. And I’m stressing out about when (if) we do TTC..
I have had a miscarriage in my relationship with Fiance. It was too ‘early’ along for anyone to notice, and it does give hope that I could get pregnant again, but having one loss already makes me sad.
Post # 10
I’m sorry! I know it’s hard when you are worried about the fact if you can even get pregnant and people are already looking forward to your future kids. I used to respond by saying, something along the lines of “you’ll be the first to know when we actually are pregnant” or “we just want to enjoy some married time together first”. The sad part is you can’t stop people from making those comments. I had a very hard time dealing with them we we actually were TTC and had enough pressure on ourselves anyways. I don’t think your parents mean it as jabs, they actually might think they are supporting you. If you feel comfortable you can try and tell them the truth.
Side note Darling Husband slept with multiple girls prior to us getting together. None of those girls were on the pill and didn’t use protection and his last two girlfriends before me were immediately pregnant after they broke up. So we always wondering if Darling Husband was even fertile. I have endometriosis and one ovary. We actually got pregnant on our own, a month before we were supposed to start fertility. So since you aren’t TTC yet, don’t beat yourselves up or count yourself out yet. And if you do need help there are so many medical advancements out there that can really help you have a beautiful healthy baby.
Post # 11
@StefLovesJamie: That sucks. If you’ve told her in clear language to stop the baby talk around you, and she still does it, all you can do is respond, “Mom, I’ve told you I don’t like joking about this. Did you see So You Think You Can Dance last night?” Or change the subject however you can.
However, I will also add that if you’re already getting upset about friends’ pregnancies, and you guys aren’t even TTC yet…that tells me there might be some unresolved issues, maybe to do with your miscarriage, that might benefit from being hashed out with a good counselor.
Post # 12
@mightywombat: A counselor would probably be a good idea; because even though my Mom knows about the endo, she doesn’t know about the miscarriage, so maybe she doesn’t realize how much more it hurts knowing that I was pregant and then I lost the baby.
Fiance has been my rock through all of this, and I love him so very much for always being there, and listening, and understanding. He’s just as concerned that he might not be fertile either, so he’s probably going to get tested soon (just to be forewarned before the wedding).
I really shouldn’t be upset at seeing other babies, since I know we’re not actively TTC right now, but I do think the miscarriage has affected me more than I originally thought.
Post # 13
I don’t know if I can answer your question but I just felt for you and wanted to send hugs and happy thoughts your way!
I suffer from issues related to my fertility and my SO thinks he might be fertile (I doubt but who knows!) I luckily haven’t had anyone ask me, but we are thinking of TTC in a few months and he already told his dad and I mentioned it to a friend of ours but that’s it.. I don’t want to continously give “updates” because I don’t want to let them down.. I feel bad enough for us and especially my SO, he has been so positive about the situation I just feel like a failure!
I think your mom is just excited and maybe she doesn’t even realize the comments she says hurts you so much. well for your dad, I’m not sure how much dads know or want to know about their daughters fertility trouble hehe Hopefully you can ask your mom to talk to your dad about your concerns and flat out tell them it will be a process and they will be the FIRST to know 🙂 It would be nice to have your parents to have for support during these times.
I wish you all the best in your TTC journey and when the time comes **baby dust to you**
Edit: oh on a side note! who is that on your avatar?
Post # 14
Next time she brings it up, burst into tears. Bet she won’t bring it up again! Hehehe…mostly joking there.
Are the two of you not close? It might be a good idea to tell her about the fertility issues and the miscarriage. I mean, yes that stuff if really between you and Darling Husband, but she may be able to provide you some comfort, and it might help her realize how hurt she makes you when she brings up that stuff.