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I'm not sure what specific culture you are from, but in India at least gift money is given to help offset the cost of the wedding. Most Indian people I know who live in the US, though, do not expect their gift money to go to the parents (regardless of who paid for the wedding). In our case, my parents--who paid for most of it, did not ask us for any portion of the gift money. They did, however, ask us not to cash certain checks. It is the case that usually there is a pretty even reciprocity (e.g. they gave their friend's children similar gifts to what their friends gave us), so neither my husband nor I minded this request. These were from people who they knew they would not be giving gifts any time soon.
I don't know if that helps, but maybe you want to inqure further about the situation. If you contributed to the cost of the wedding also, it seems unfair that your parents kept all of the gift money.
Your parents kept the money? I thought they would just keep the 1/3 and give you the rest... hmm... I've never heard of this before.
Well, TRADITIONALLY who hosts collects the money. For example, my grandfather paid for my parent's reception for 300 people (most of whom my parents are not acquainted with). So all monetary gifts were given to him to offset the cost of the reception. But that was 1982.
However, my parents are paying for my wedding and all monetary gifts are going to us. To help us with our new life. It would really depend on the parents. And most of my parents have children of a similar age who are getting married as well so it is what goes around comes around.
What your mother is doing is not unheard of. But certainly not typical in this day and age. Especially seeing as they did not pay for the whole cost of the wedding. I would sit her down and have a talk.
i agree w/ miss yap. that said, if you were really counting on some of the gifts to set you up for the next chapter, you could talk to your folks about this, especially since they didn't pay for the whole wedding.
i think it's a nice gesture to reimburse them from the wedding gift money, to an extent.
Thanks... Everyone....
My family is Korean and my husband's family is 2nd generation Irish. I just feel bad for my husband because he doesn't understand, as do I.
No, what parents are doing is not right. I spoke to my cousins and other korean friends, and their parents gave the gift money to the bride and groom.
I guess I do have to sit down and talk to them... I don't want to sound ungreatful and talk about money with my parents, but they are making it difficult.
Still confused married woman.
She is keeping ALL the money? Or some of it? I bet if the families knew that, they wouldn't be as pleased...I know I wouldn' twant to give a gift to the new couple (money) if it was going straight into the parents' pockets...if that were the case I'd buy them an actual gift. Your mom should write thank you cards in that case, not you
I always felt the wedding is a gift from parents (who choose to partake) and the money received (amongst anybody I know of anyways!!!) goes to the bride and groom to help with their lives. Most parents don't collect it back like a loan. If that's the case, what's the point in parents helping, right? If my parents had done that, I'd ahve taken them out to a very nice dinner to thank them, but wow.
I think if your mom feels like she should take the money, she should only receive a portion of it. And, I don't quite undersatnd how your mom came in possession of the money anyways. When we got our cash/checks, tehy were all made out to US and we got the privilege of opening up the cards ourselves
I've never heard of this before. The money we recieved were gifts - so since they wouldnt keep our china or blenders, they didnt keep our money either. :)
i always thought that the wedding was a gift as well. was this discussed beforehand or is there perhaps a financial problem that your parents are going through that you don't know about?
I'd think that unless there were discussions before the wedding on what gifts were going where, of that your parents were "loaning" you 1/3 of the wedding cost it should all go to you & the groom...
And even if it is a cultural thing for your parents, only half of your wedding would be part of that culture and I'm sure your husband's family would be shocked to learn their monetary gift was kept by your parents!
A lot of people I know give money directly to the bride and groom at the wedding (in Korea) because they are worried about this very thing. I also agree that it's wrong for them to keep it, but I've heard some people justify it as 'they raised you, so it is payment for raising you' (and also 'respect'). Since my FI and I will be paying for everything - including my FILs trip to Canada....they better not keep the money gifts!
hmm seems weird, im chinese, ppl gave my parents money, my parents gave it to me after my honeymoon, some ppl gave cash, so my parents deposited it, but wrote a check in the amount to me, and THEY paid 2/3 of the wedding cost too.
What's the point of giving cash as present if the couple who is starting out doesn't get to utilize it? I'm not a fan of giving cash as a present as I think it is tacky and generic, but I know that it is customary in certain cultures. The idea of the parents keeping it is bizarre and frankly, quite selfish.
That doesn't sound fair. You should contact the people who gave the money to your parents and outright ask them who it was for. Just say you're filling out thank-you notes and there was some confusion about who the money was meant for. I've never heard of someone paying for part of a son/daughter's wedding and asking to be paid back for it, or worse, stealing wedding presents to supplement. I've also never heard of wedding guests giving the parents money or any kind of present instead of the bride and groom. That's not the point you know? It's about celebrating the couple getting married no matter how much it cost and who paid for what.
Hmm that's interesting. I think it's a little unfair because your guests that gave these gifts were giving them assuming that it was going to you the couple-- to help start your newlywed life!! I'm not so sure those guests would have given their "gift" if they realized it was going to be used as a "donation" to supplement what your parents spent...
if you'd known that ahead of time you would have just told htem to keep their 3rd. I don't like this tradition - i hope you can figure it out amicably! I mean, if you thought like that for everything, if you host a holiday dinner for your family, are you going to open the sweater that you bought for them, and then rip it out of their hands and wear it and say it's yours now, forever? The tradition is just not translating to your wedding. Your husband's family and friends that gave you money will not understand and not appreciate that you guys didn't receive your gifts. That would cause a rift, for sure.
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My parents are asian and we recently had the somewhat of destination wedding.
They paid 1/3 of the cost of the wedding. They received money gift from their friends and family for our wedding. When I asked my mother how much we have received, she told it was not my husand and my, but instead it was my parents's money. Is this a culturally difference....?? Confused Married woman...