Post # 1
Recently I got engaged and thought that my parents and family would be excited for me and be ready to plan a wedding. I know that it has only been a short time since the engagement but I’m in planning mode as I already know that I will be having a destination wedding in North Carolina on the beach. And have mentioned that to my mother numerous times already. But anytime I bring up planning for the wedding, I get told to slow down, you have time, why the rush?
It’s not that I am rushing or that I want to slow down, I’ve been waiting for this time since I was in my early twenties and now that it is here I am ready to get things started.. So I informed my mother that I was going to go dress shopping over the weekend and then to the Bridal Show that was here this past weekend and that I would like her to go with me and I was no expecting to be told that “I have to go to the lake this weekend, you father would be very upset if I don’t go.” So with that I told her, that I was still going to go and I did. Sad thing is that my mother missed me picking out my dress, as I found the one that was perfect for my day and went ahead and purchased it already.. Now it seems that everytime I try to go to their house to talk about the wedding plans and budget I am met with hesitation and told “maybe later in the week.”
I get the feeling that no matter what I do, they are not going to change their mind but I know that this is the man for me and I will not let them ruin my day, but I always thought that my mom would be there with me while I began planning and it just doesn’t seem like she or my dad are even slightly interested in being involved.. And it doesn’t stop there: my brother has joined the “you should slow down, how are you sure?” typed questions as well.. And basicly told me that he thinks that I am trying to take the money that will be spent on his wedding in May away from him..
If I were really trying to do that I wouldn’t be waiting until after his wedding, and I never thought that I would never get the support from him as we have grown into great friends over the years..
I’m at a loss as to what do to or say to try to get them more involved.HELP!!!
Does it really matter that we have been dating for three and a half months, is there a timeline that you should follow when it comes to love?
Post # 3
I’m not saying there’s a timeline, or that you and your FI don’t belong together… but do you think they just don’t want their daughter to rush into a life committment? If it were my daughter, I might not want her to. I mean, have you asked what their problem is? Is this something they bring up? You only mentioned it a little at the end, so it’s not clear what their issue is…
Post # 4
I don’t make decisions like this lightly and I have never been one to rush into anything so I am not sure where this is coming from. As I have always been the responsible child in the family and pretty much done what I was told and how I was told to do it. This may stem from the fact that they were informed that the wedding destination is closer to his parents as they are much older and less likely to be able to travel for that wedding..
But then again it could be that they have a lot on their plate with helping my brother with his wedding that is just two months before the date that I have set…So it also makes me wonder if they are not in a place finacially to pay for the wedding, and if that’s the case all they have to do is say so..I am a budget friend woman, and never pay full price for anything… so that should put them at ease about the $$$$ of it all..
Post # 5
I think they may be concerned because it could be out of character for you. You say you’ve never been one to rush into anything so they’re probably pretty confused and concerned that suddenly you are moving pretty quickly towards marriage. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your timeline, different strokes for different folks, but I would be pretty surprised too if a slow cautious person was suddenly dating, engaged, and married within a bit over 1 year.
ETA: I agree with the poster below me; they probably are overwhelmed with the idea of 2 weddings in 3 months. They probably were prepared to “lose” their son (or gain a daughter, whatever you want to think) but are blindsided by losing their daughter too all within a short amount of time.
Post # 6
@camerashy78: Well, it looks like you need to talk to your parents about this. Maybe you guys can all get on the same page! Who knows what they’re thinking until you have an open discussion about it? Maybe it is a bit overwhelming to have two weddings in such a short span of time? Hope you guys can get it all cleared up.
Post # 7
Are you expecting them to pay for it like your brothers? Maybe they are worried about the extra financial burden. As well as the fact that it might be out of chracter for you. Maybe they have both had bad experiences with something like this in the past or maybe they know something that you don’t. Is there a large age disparity between yourself and your fiance? Does he makes significantly less or more money than you? Is he divorced, has a shady past or kids from previous relationships? Do they not know him well or don’t like him? If any of those are true they are probably just concerned or worry for you whether they should be or not.
Maybe they think your being too pushy since your mother mentioned she already had plans and you went out and did what you wanted to anyway so they know wether they are there or not its going to be done and done your way so why should they contribute sort of thing. Maybe they just wanted to be included more in the start instead of being told when, what or where.
I think you should sit down with them and have a frank talk if thats an option so you can all clear the air and start over. As far as your brother he seems to be a little selfish.
ETA: Agreed with PP, there is a chance two weddings two months apart is probably just a little overwhelming for them.
Also since you haven’t known him long maybe they are not taking it as seriously?
Post # 8
I guess it would be a lot easy to talk to my parents about this if they didn’t come up with crazy reasons like mowing the yard is more important than sitting and talking with us about it..
This is the current reason that they don’t have time to talk to us..hmmm, kind of interesting and out of charactrer for them as well…
I guess I will just give it some time and continue with my planning and hope that they get on board, if not I will not second guessing myself thinking that I made the wrong decision, cause I KNOW that this is right for me…
Thanks so much
Post # 9
It’s impossible to hit a moving target. If you cannot get them to sit down and chat, can you write them a non threatening note to let them know how you’re feeling or what your intentions are for said chat?
I mean, I don’t blame you for forging ahead, things have to get done even when the grass is long.
Would that help!?
Post # 10
They are only paying for very little for my brothers wedding, and I don’t expect them to pay for everything. As far as my FI goes, he has had a different upbring as me.. Yes he has had a shady past, has children and also has been divorced, but these things happened when he was in his teens and early twenties and is nothing like that anymore.. He has a great job with the government and takes care of both of his children and has custody of one of the two tho he is a few years younger than me. I have tried bring him around so that my parents can get to know him but have not been successful in that as there are times that I am not even invited to events.
And as far as how I brought the shopping and show up I did not bring it to her as TELL her she had to come, I just called her just as I called my bf and other family members asking if they would like to join, I guess I was more disappointed that she wasn’t as gungho about it as I was..
I expect that they will come around… I’m going to give it time and see what happens.. I mean after all I have only been engaged for a little over a week, so I could be freaking out for no reason at all.
Post # 11
I have a tendency to actually come across better in a note than in person, because I can come across rather harsh..so i will give it a shot. if anything write notes out so that I know exactly what I want to say with out being to confrontational..
Post # 12
You are right, love does not work according to a schedule, however my guess is that you getting engaged after a short span of time is shocking to them–they don’t know how to properly react because they need to process the information. One of my closest friends got engaged after about the same amount of time, I had let her know that I would support her whatever their decision, but my concern for the two of them not really knowing each other is still high, especially since they were married before they hit a year of knowing one another.
I’d say plan a dinner get together for the four of you, so they can get to know him better and get acquainted with you two as a couple. From there I am sure conversation will naturally turn to the engagement and wedding so you can discuss your excitement along with their concerns.
Make sure to verbalize things like “We know this is fast, but we are in love, and this is the right decision for us.” and “We know this will be close to Brother’s wedding, does that timing cause an issue for you, why so?” Finally, it is important to make “I” statements, so whatever you say does not sound accusitory. Ex “I would like your support in planning my wedding.” Versus “You aren’t supportive of me in planning the wedding.” This sets you up for a healthy conversation instead of one party getting defensive. 🙂
Good luck to you and FI!
Post # 13
Girl, 3.5 months is really fast. I’m not saying what you should or should not do, but think about it from their perspective. You’ve been dating this guy for a hot minute. What *is* the rush? Will your relationship change in a negative way if you don’t get married 2 months after your brother?
No one is going to be enthused about this. You’re marrying a guy you barely know right after your brother’s wedding, which I am assuming is the culmination of a bit longer time spent dating and engaged. The people who care about you think that you’ve lost your marbles and that you’re trying to upstage your brother with this half cocked whirlwind romance. There is nothing you can do or say to change this opinion of you if you stay the course. If you want people to be excited, slow your ass down. Postpone your wedding for a year at least. Give your brother and your new SIL their time and give you and your fiance time as well.
TDLR: You’re moving a bit too fast from your loved one’s points of view. These people know you well and love you a lot so you should consider their opinion as you’re not some headstrong, rebellious teenager. Your options are to deal with their lack of approval and enthusiasm or to put your wedding off for a year or more.
Post # 14
I am sure your family is concerned about your decision to wed so quickly, especially when you say they haven’t really met him or gotten to know him well.
As far as your mom not going to those things with you it seem like it was pretty last minute and she had already made plans, if it were that important that she be included maybe next time give her more notice or ask when she would be able to do those things with you and plan things then.
Post # 15
Our concern about the time frame we have picked is because his parents are much older and he wants them to be there as well and neither of them are very healthy at this point and have medical issues.. This is part of the rush..
No, his and I relationship will not be changed negatively if we wait.. And when it comes to the length of time that we have been dating, we have actually known each other for quite a while and have many mutual friends…( I guess I shouldn’t have left that out.)
Post # 16
I have been trying to get them to meet and sit down and talk over dinner and at this point my FI works two jobs, one of which is nights, and the other evenings. So there is very little time for all of us to get together.. But it looks like we maybe getting closer to finding an evening next week..
I’m just going to chill and see what happens, at this point I have put it in God’s hands and I’m sure the outcome will be exactly as he has it planned.