Weddingbee boards

Hi there... I'm posting here because I am at my wits end with my current situation and need to vent, and hear what others think. I am 24 and my fiance is 25. We met in college, and have been together for about 3.5 years. During our first year and a half together, we were in college and always together. I think moved from the west coast to the east coast of the US for graduate school. We dated long distance but it was extremely hard... I came close to breaking things off because I had a lot of struggles with adjusting and I was lonely. When it came down to really losing him though, I realized he was worth waiting for, and we'd make it work no matter the distance. He stuck through a very insecure time for me, and never stopped wanting to be by my side. He then applied for graduate school also, got into my university, but then was accepted to a more prestigious ivy league school a few states away. We felt it was best for him to go there, and so we have been long distance for 2 years, and now this current year. We see each other very often though, and what we were struggling with during that first tough year was fixed. We decided we wanted an end in sight to our distance, and often talked about getting engaged after I graduated, then a year later, after he graduates, getting married. Well... my parents have always been wishy-washy on anyone I date. With him, it was everything from "he's not social enough, why was he home schooled, he is too quiet" or criticism for something he says. They are nice to him, but often spoke coldly behind his back, and even race was brought up as an 'easy reason' to not like him (I am caucasion and he is hispanic). My parents had a feeling that marriage might be on the way, and they were "mentally preparing" themselves for him to ask once he graduated. Apparently it came a year too early for them.

To make a story short, I realized he was preparing to ask him, and I brought up to my mom that "he might ask soon"... the conversation quickly deteriorated into an arguement. We fought, and put the matter on the shelf until he and I could speak to them in person. We approached them together, and he shared his desire to get engaged and marry me after he graduates. My parents were completely unsupportive and said they would only approve if we waited a year, if we waited until he graduated and got a job in the same city as me. At this point, I was tired of the criticism, arguing, and didn't completely trust they would ever be okay with it. It also felt controlling-- no question of "do you love each other?" or "what will make you happy?" All they kept saying was that I should be single, I should be meeting new people, and I should only marry when I'm 29/30. "Look at so-and-so's daughter, she dated lots of people and didn't marry until she was 31..." "You will miss out on SO much of life being chained down at 25..." We debated back and forth on what to do-- we wanted OUR plans... and everything felt so conditional with them. He decided to ask me regardless, and a month after our conversation with my parents, he took me away for a romantic trip to a small beach town and asked me.

Since then, everything with my parents has been a living hell. My friends are all happy, his family is happy, but my parents have been slowly cutting me away. They had savings for me, which they took my name off of. We live in different states, so we don't see each other much, but I usually call them often. All we do is argue the same argument, calling me disrespectful, saying they refuse to be around him, he is not welcome near them or their house, saying I have embarressed them, how could I do this to them after everything they have done for me, saying that my fiance is trying to manipulate me and brainwash me into "following my heart." My dad said he will not come to any wedding in the next year. He wants little to do with talking to me because I keep upsetting them. I have not been home for thanksgiving in the past 2 yrs, and b/c I decided not to come this year also, they are angry. They want me to be doing everything possible to "make things up to them for hurting them" and when I don't bend over backwards for them, they keep getting mad. I don't know what to do anymore. My fiance and I have put off setting a date because of this, and made the concession to wait to set a date once he gets a job in my city. This isn't enough for them anymore. We have gotten engagement photos as a way to bring positive joy to our engagement, and everyone we share them with are so kind, yet I know my family won't look at them. I love my family, but I also love my fiance and I am not about to leave him. The entire situation has been an incredible emotional drain. Has anyone else had a nightmare like this? What do you do with parents who won't accept and budge?

Thank you so much everyone. Just knowing I'm not alone in ths helps (although I truly wish no one has to go through anything similar). It's just so strange to have people you trust and know so well have such a reaction. My FI and I felt we couldn't wait on "their" timeline because it would give them control over us and our relationship. Even though they said they would give blessings in 1 year, they kept nitpicking at many things, and pushing agendas like "check out that other guy." It felt so frustrating, I thought the reasons on why not to marry would never end. Now it is a lot of standing our ground without letting them make me feel so bad... which is hard. I never imagined it would be like this. He and I are both very responsible people too... we've been waiting to both finish graduate school and begin a life together. I finished in May and now work full time, and he is busy interviewing for when he finishes in the following May. They kept saying it was so irresponsible for a "man" to propose without having a secured job, and to continue ahead with asking knowing there was no "blessing" or "OK" on their end for the next year. They tell me if we waited 1 year, it would be okay, but then in the next breath they tell me I should be single and dating lots of people until I am at least 30, enjoying a single life that only someone "without a ring on their finger" can have. It's all contridictions but they won't see that. My mom has spread the word to her family (who live in the same city as me) that we are engaged against their wishes, and so now my relatives here will hardl'y talk about it with me (no congrats, no nothing). What I find interesting though is that everyone he and I are closer with (friends, classmates, his family, my young brother...) they are all supportive of us. It's like my parents won't take the time to know and respect him and I.

They keep falling back on very old traditions, a lot of "the man needs to come to the father and ask him," and when they have an agreement, their word is what they have to stand by, even downplaying that my mom's opinion on the matter is more second rate. And in terms of unemployment, he has never been unemployed except to go to school. He interned at a great paid job over the summer and I fully believe he will find a great job after May. But my parents are a much more "wealthy" family compared to his, which has been another issue they have.