Post # 1
First of all I want to say that I am very grateful and appreciative that my parents said they would pay for my wedding. The issue I’m having is that Fiance and I carefully researched good photographers and djs and found great ones for the money. I shared the websites with my mom along the way to keep her included in the planning. She didn’t say anthing so we assumed everything was ok. The day came when to send deposits and she started questioning our choices and then secretly emailed them asking them to prove their credentials. The vendors forwarded the email to me so I was aware and then my mom chewed them out for “upseting me” and it was her right since she was paying. She literally blamed them. My question is do parents have the “right” (as my mom says) to pick your vendors because they are paying for your wedding? She didn’t pick any substitutes but is critizing our choices and we almost lost the dj because she was delaying everything. Is this normal and is there anything I can do to help the situation? My friends that are married didn’t have this issue – parents just sent checks and said “its your wedding, you pick what you like” Maybe that’s rare, I don’t know.
FI and I live in Los Angeles, wedding is in Indiana and my parents are in Indiana.
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2010 - Trinity Presbyterian Church/Harrison Opera House
My parents haven’t been as overt as that, but they have definitely told us their preferences. At the end of the day, he who pays has the ultimatel say. I’ve thought more than once about refusing the gift and doing something smaller that I could afford on my own. I don’t want to steal my mom’s joy about the wedding though. A girl at my work is going through the same thing and says that she’s sat down with her mother and said, “Mom, I appreciate your gift, but when you override my decisions, it’s no longer a gift to me, it’s a burden.” I think that hwoever you choose to say it, you should be honest. Thank them for the gift, tell them you love them, and then kindly ask if you can book the vendor you chose. If that doesn’t work, seriously consider paying for something smaller on your own so that the choices are really yours.
Post # 4
If they’re paying, they have a say. Honestly I don’t know that they should have a right to pick all your vendors, I think you should have a say as it’s your wedding, not theirs, but if they’re paying and they want to do it? You might have a hard time convincing them otherwise. I’d talk to them about your feelings, and failing that? Pick what you really care about in the wedding and pay for it yourselves, that way they can give all the input they want, but if you’re paying, you get the final decision.
Post # 5
Technically, no, they don’t have the right to pick the vendors, but I quickly learned that whoever pays ends up with the final say.
Since you are still early in your planning I would suggest that you sit down and talk to your Mom. Tell her that you don’t appreciate her doing ANYTHING wedding related behind your back and that if she dosen’t like your choices, she needs to make suggestions. Have your parents told you a specific dollar amount that they want to contribute? If so, sit down with your fiance and parents and make a budget. Decide how much you will spend on everything (add in some wiggle room) and set deadlines for finding and booking vendors. That way, if they don’t like your vendor choice but don’t find someone else by the deadline, they have no choice but to go with who you selected.
Post # 6
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
Uh, no! Then again, if they won’t pay if you don’t pick who they want, what can you do about it? 🙁
You’ll need to come up with some ground rules with them. What we did is my dad had to give the final okay on the venue (the part he is paying for), but we are just getting checks from my mom and from his parents. We ask opinions when we’re actually open to them, but we’ve sort of uninvolved the parents in the planning as much as possible.
Post # 7
Well sure they have the right, if they are paying. Usually parents paying for weddings, isn’t simply a gift. It’s a way for them to show off to, or compete with, or maintain the traditions of…..their families and friends. So they want to make sure the wedding looks as nice as they think it should. Unfortuantely, they don’t always have the best persepctive. (If I was paying for my child’s wedding, I certainly would put the breaks on something I felt strongly against. Howevr, I think that in order to make everyone happy, some compromises and considerations need to happen on both parts. The bride needs to appreciate the money. The parents need to realize that they won’t be happy with the wedding day, ultimately, if their own child feels alienated at their own wedding, because of what they think their vision is.)
In your case, it seems strange that your mom seems to not have an issue with the vendors. But then at the last minute puts a stop on everything and causes drama. If this was an issue of “we can’t agree on the vendor”, I’d say there is a way to figure that out. But I wonder if the issue is something deeper, like a passive agressive way of saying she doesn’t approve of the marriage, other aspects of the wedding, letting go of her baby, or not having as much control over you as she’s used to having. Any of that possible?
Post # 8
it’s hard to leave parents out if they’re paying for the vendors. how about asking your folks to come up with a short list of vendors that they approve of (so they can sort through the credentials on the front end) and then you can take over from there and meet with them to conceptualize what you want? that way your parents still have their say but you get to have your vision?
Post # 9
I’d say if they are pyaing for it, then they have a say. Even though ym parents are paying, I can’t say that I am having this problem. I know that some parents do get very invloved though. However, if they do reject your choices, the least they can do is come up with an alternative.