Post # 1
I am a 24 year flight aattendant. I have been with my fiance for 6 years and planned to wed Sept 2013. him and I have livedtogether in the past, I was 19 when I got my own place and he slowly started moving in until it was an everyday thing. I didn’t mind at first but then the arguments happened and we decided to take a break. He moved out, for his own place. I was.living on my own for 3 months then I lost my job. My fiance ( the ex) asked me to live with him. I decided not too since that was the reason why were on a break in the first place. I moved back to parents house. After 6 months we decided to give our relationship a second try. I was now 22 goingon 23. we grew closer, kind of the saying ” you don’t.know what you have until it’s lost”
I hadto go away for flight attendant training. we did a long distance relationship for a year. ( After I was done with training, I had to move to another state to work out of that airport). if weweren’t close before, we definitely were then. I decided to transfer to my hometown airport while I was still living with parents. in 2012 we took a trip to Honduras and he proposed on our 6 year anniversary. 🙂
but I wasnt completely happy, I would come back home after being gone for 4-5 days a week and all I wanted to do was be with him. My parents are super Catholic, so even though we lived together they did not allow me to sleep over his house. I respected that since I was living under their roof. But it was just hard to balance,I would get home from my Fiances house at 1 am and have to be at work at 11 for example. (he gets off wr at 7:30 pm) so we would start hanging out like at 8:40 pm.Then have to hear a lecture from mom about my hrs coming home.
I decided that it would make me happy if I just lived with him. (it would be times I would tell mom I was on a trip and just spend the day with him, I know it’s bad to lie but I just wanted to be with him and our cat)
Italked to my parents thanked them, and told them my plans. their reactions were horrible. Mom said a lot of mean things. she mentioned how she thought my wedding was a joke,how no one was going to be happy helping me, how I didn’t have dignity, that my fiance wasn’t an admirable man and that if we moved in she never wanted me out him to step inside her home. then dad said the unthinkable ” Think very carefully, and choose Who is more important Him or us? Who do you love more?” I was in shock and angry that he would even asked that.
I decided to move out anyways. I did it because I love myself more. I did what I know makes me happy. but.now I don’t know how or when I should approach or make an effort to talk to my parents. How much time do I give them? what now?? 🙁
p.s. sorry if the spelling isn’t correct, I’m typing from my phone. 🙂
Post # 3
What are the specific reasons your parents say they don’t like him? Are there specific actions they don’t like or is it religion?
Post # 4
they loved him, until now. Yes religion, because I am moving in with him before marriage.
Post # 5
@jaytea1: Just when you think parents have said it all; wham!
I think you’re parents are acting like they are in their 20’s. Childish!
Good on you for moving out and doing what is authentic to you and not what is demanded by your parents. Who by the way do not live your life; that would be you.
As far as making contact again I would let the dust settle and while you do work on pulling your thoughts together preparing for their reactions to any form of contact from you. Based on their level of thinking I can’t imagine it would be good. But in my mind you have made the grown up decision and stick to your guns.
Post # 6
I don’t agree with anyone who makes you choose “who you like more”
Post # 7
An emotional ultimateum, regardless of age is an incredibly selfish and heartless thing to do. “Them or me.” is so painful. I’ve been there, so I can sympathize. Right now, there isn’t much advice anyone can tell you. You need to do what you need to do for your relationship and your life. If you can afford to move in with your fiance, do it and don’t look back. You never know, maybe your parents will come around, but if their arguments are religion based, there’s a good chance they won’t.
All you can really do is assure them that they raised a level headed, responsible daughter and you’re doing what needs to be done to stay emotionally healthy.
Post # 8
What’s more important to them their daughter or being hardheaded and stubborn? If he treats you well and loves you they should be thankful. As long as you handle this as calmly as possible and do what’s best for you they’ll come around eventually.
Post # 9
Oh boy this really is a tough cookie to answer.
On one hand your parents are being very protective of their loved one (they obviously love you a great deal and want what’s best for you) but on the other hand you want to be with the love of your life. Is he really the one for you?, Will you still be together in 5 years, who knows?.
Partners come and go, parents are there forever (Kind of).
I would go with how you feel rather than what you think (men generally go with what they think).
If you did choose your partner then of course your parents will be angry initially but will probably get over it with time. OK they might give him the shoulder when he comes to the house and always think of him negatively but they will still be OK to you.
Im sure that my FIL and MIL have also given my partner an ultimatum that she hasn’t told me about (nobody is good enough for their sweet pea).
Off to bed now, very tired ……..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Post # 10
My good friend growing up was in a very similar situation. Luckily she was in a large Catholic family, so she had sisters to take the pressure off. By the time she was having relations with boys, her parents were more desensitized. They still got all up in arms and they did refuse to go to any wedding that wasn’t in the church, but they eventually made peace with all their children, even ones who had children before marriage. I don’t know if you have any siblings or not. But I do think they’ll eventually come around.
Post # 11
They don’t have to like your decisions (living with him before marriage), but that doesn’t mean they should treat you like that!
I can’t believe grown people would ask their adult children to pick and choose “who do you love more?” That’s emotional terrorism.
Post # 12
That’s terrible. People feel strongly about others based on their experience with them but if they’ve had little to no contact and they are just mad because of their wishes and their beliefs then you don’t need that. You have to respect your parents but aas an adult they should respect you too and they aren’t. You aren’t a child anymore and you need to do what makes you happy with the rest of YOUR life not what makes them happy for THEIRS, that’s THEIR job not yours.
The choice thing especially coming from parents has officially blown my mind. That question is a DEAL breaker for me for ANYONE who asks it.
Post # 13
I know how you feel. My parents are also devout Catholic and I’m one myself. However, I did live with my husband before I married him, and almost everyone in my family (except my grandmother and my brother) had something to say to/about me about “living in sin.” This included my aunt who had been having an affair with a married man and an uncle whose own daughter is a stripper (and he goes to watch her shows)! Oh, and did I mention that every last one of the people who judged me (except my parents) are divorced as well (another thing the Church does not allow)?
It calls to mind that passage in the Bible about how one should take the plank out of their own eyes before trying to take a splinter out of someone else’s! My grandmother is the most devout Catholic out of them all and yet she did NOT judge me, which only goes to show the difference between actually LIVING the Catholic faith and being hypocritical about it. I guarantee that your parents are not perfect either (as none of us are) and the fact that they asked you to choose between them and the man you are about to marry proves it. They ought to know that even the Bible says that a woman’s place is by her husband’s side! “A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto His wife and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). If they want to preach Catholicism to you, then they should at least be consistent about it!
However, I’m not sure that arguing the principles of Catholicism is necessarily the answer here even though they ARE wrong to be treating you the way they are. The best advice I can offer you is to refuse to answer the question of who would you choose on the grounds that it’s not a fair question to begin with, and even if it was, your Catholic upbringing would have taught you to place your husband before your parents and of course you don’t want to hurt your parents by telling them that, so the best thing to do is to tell them that you can’t and won’t answer that question if they ask it again.
In the meantime, try to ignore the naysayers. I had my reasons for doing what I did and I’m sure you did too. We’re grown women, we make our own choices, and we need answer to no one for them but God. Only He can judge us.
Post # 14
I think you made the right choice to do what makes you happy. Its your life and obviously your parents have forgotten that.
I would quote this bible verse to them: “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” John 8:7. Maybe it will be a reminder to them that just because they don’t agree with your “brand of sinning” so to speak, doesn’t give them the right to judge with hate as if they were sinless.
If that doesn’t work remind them you are 24 and not 16 and its not their decision.
Post # 15
Thanks to everyone taking their time to read my dilemma, I just got back from a trip. Will be going back to moms tomorrow too pick up my final items. I have not seen them since I moved out. I will update tomorrow too let you know how it went, I just wanted to let everyone know that ALL of you have made me feel better and your words have made me feel more comfortable withthe decision that I made.
Post # 16
@jaytea1: Best of luck to you and remember to be as firm with them as you need to be. They need to understand that you are a grown woman now and that YOU make your own decisions.