Weddingbee boards

I suppose I'm just looking for advice, because everything I've done to try and alleviate this situation has just failed miserably.  Also, I'm aware that I may come of as a bit of a brat, but I'm just so hurt by what my family insists on doing with my wedding budget that I'm almost beyond caring.

My FI and I were not planning with a huge budget (at least by what I can assess).  30k for around 230 people in a resort town in the NY/NJ area.

First issue.  My parents offered the majority of that as their wedding gift.  After much poking and prodding they gave me a hard and fast number.  Which FI and I accepted and began planning, including some of our own limited funds, as well as a generous gift from his family.  My parents insisted on a much larger guest list than FI and I were really comfortable with, especially since we were the ones doing the research and were convinced that it would be difficult, if not impossible, to find what my parents would consider "acceptable" for that many people at a price that worked.  They were absolutely immovable on the guest list.  Would not budge. Pleading, begging, threatening to elope, and my amazing fiance putting his foot down with them finally did the trick.  Guest list is improved, but still not at what we would consider a safe number.  Parents insist that they are still able to provide 20k of our budget.  I doubt this, but they insist its all good.

Fast forward to today.  We desperately need to sign a catering contract.  We've had a hard enough time finding a caterer who can meet our needs, give us the menu we want, the tent rentals we need, and still come in on budget.  We find her.  She's fabulous, and she's the DOC for no extra charge!!!! The only problem is that she needs a 50% deposit (as she's reserving all the rentals). 

My parents have been hemming and hawing about money and have been flat out unable and unwill to put deposits down on things.  Like screaming match to get the deposit for the church. Complaints range from "that's too much for a depost" to "well, you just pay it now, and we'll sort out who gets reimbursed later" to " the contract doesn't look right" to " you should look at other vendors" to " well all your wedding gift money pays for the reception."

I've just about had it.  I didn't ask for a 20k budget.  I would have been just fine with whatever they had offered, even if it was just their love and support.  And i've tried to explain that as many ways as I can.  But for at least 6 months they have been insisting that they have the money.  And now that we need it, they just mysteriously don't have it and insist that we negotiate with the caterer, give them more time, of find a way to do it cheaper.

We already did!!! Caterer is willing to let us split the 50% deposit into 2 installments 2 weeks apart, because she understands that getting 9k together in a short time is hard for people.  But that's just not good enough.  We've been explaining for 2 weeks that we need this money, but my parents just keep wheedling out of trying to pay.

I know that it must break their hearts not to be able to give their daughter the wedding they want to and really i'm not a bridezilla.  I know that we're in a recession and they don't work year round.  I have made clear that I actually feel guilty being gifted that much, and have been finding ways to DIY as much of the rest as possible to keep the rest of the day resonable. Calling in frendors and other family to make desserts, do flowers, do music, make decor.  But they kept insisting on a bigger and bigger wedding and just refuse to come up with the money.  Between a budget rock and a family guilt hard place.

We've been engaged since November 08.  Its not as though they didn't know this was coming.  I explained that things needed to be booked 10 to 12 months out in our area in order to not have late fees and get good choices.  I was assured that it would all work out just find.  Well here we are, and my FI and I have put out more for the wedding than my parents, who insisted that we not pay for anything.  And they're still demanding this huge production, and just assuming that vendors and locations are going to sit tight on the promise of "We'll pay you in September or October, just hold the date for us"

At this point the FI (who has been a saint through all this - seriously, if I ever get to be a Bee, I will extoll his awesome event planning skills on a regular basis in detail) and I are ready to just go get a loan and pear down the whole thing and pay for it ourselves.  Which will leave my parents both furious and heartbroken.  I keep thowing in the towel and begging to elope, because at this point, I am miserable about the idea of having to include my increadibly unreliable parents in the whole thing.  FI keeps pushing for a wedding we both want and can afford and generally being awesome, inspite of the fact that his soon to be inlaws have proven, that while their hearts are in the right place, they are just complete flakes when it comes to money.

Sorry for the vent, hive, but i'm just at the end of my rope.  I've told the parents that I need an answer by tomorrow in terms of if they can lay out the cash or if they need to change the budget.  I'm hurt that they lied to me about having the money available to pay for the wedding.  I'm frustrated that they can't tell me the truth ahead of time.  And I'm angry that they would be so irresponsible as to expect that my fiance and I go into debt to make up for their inablity to get it together.

FI and I will head to the bank for a HELOC this weekend if they can't help out like they thought.  Any other thoughts as to what I should be doing?  Anyone have something like this happen before?

Everyone,

Thank you all so much for your support. 

It seems that the money will magically appear since I made it clear that it was necessary, and without it we would have to completely reduce the size of the reception along with my parents guestlist.

Apparently my very frim demand that the money be present, or a new budget would have to be created did the trick.  I'm trying to get them moving on creating a wedding account.  Since they can't put all the money in at one time (not that I would expect them to, because it is a LOT) hopefully setting it aside will help the FI and me plan a little better before we get to crunch time and find that there's been no money set aside for "X"

I still feel a little icky had having to resort to the whole "Live up to what you said, if you can't that's fine, but just be honest with me so that we can all plan somethign nice" bit.  But i suppose sometimes its hard for parents to see you as a competant, serious adult.  We're still moving forward with frendors and DIY, and I still dislike that my budget is so large, but i've discovered something about this whole process.  Getting married is simple.  Planning a wedding will be one of the most difficult clusterf***s you ever work your way through.  It's sort of sarcastic and flippant, I know, and I really hope that not everyone has this kind of drama.  But it's helped me focus on what is actually important.

I'm getting married!!!