(Closed) Parents changing the budget (need advice)

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I wouldn’t really count on your parents. No i think you are being very reasonable. It’s not fair to say you’ll give your kids one amount, then scurry away when it’s time to pony up. it’s hard to rehash the whole wedding when you had an initial budget of 30K, then 20K, then what? You definitely donj’t want to end up screwed because they “said” they’d give you the money later, then opted out.

I think at this point I’d tell them to cut a check and deposit it into a wedding checking account or move forward with the assumptioj that you won’t get any contribution from them. You can’t just be hounding them every single time for every single dime. What is a HELOC?

Post # 4
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Oh. My. Gosh.  I am so sorry that you have to go through all that. Dear Miss Flipflop, you need a hug.  Lots of hugs!

Here’s my advice. I think that if your parents can’t help you pay, you need to change your budget to what you can afford. Don’t invite as many people.  Do what you can afford without a loan because your wedding day is one day and a loan will take a lot longer.  You don’t want to start of your marriage in debt to day that will pass.  You seem pretty level headed, and seem to know what you can and can’t afford.  Simple and small can be just as beautiful.

Good luck.

Post # 5
357 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think that you’re doing exactly what you need to be doing.  Unfortunately, your parents have hopefuly unknowingly put you in a terrible situation.  I would think that doing things your way with your money that they would just have to deal, but I march to my own beat anyway. 

Planning a wedding is stressful enough with this strain on top of things.  I can’t say that I understand, as this is not my first wedding so my parents aren’t footing any of the bill.  But what I can say is that paying for the whole thing ourselves gave Fiance and I the absolute freedom to do what we wanted, where we wanted, how we wanted, and only those people that WE wanted to be there were invited.  We did offer each set of parents two or three couple friend openings to invite some of their friends, but by no means was it more than we could bear. 

Even though you hate to do it that way, I wonder if in the long run it would make you happier and less stressed?  I can’t wait to hear how it all turns out, if you post about it again.  Big ((HUGS)) going out to you!!

Post # 6
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I agree with ejs4y8.  I don’t know why your parents are dragging their feet and not following through with the money they promised.  It could be financial difficulty, it could be stubbornness, it could be passive-aggressive “I don’t like your wedding choices” stuff.  But at this point, I think you have to assume that they’re not going to contribute what they said they would.  I hate to say this, but I think you and your Fiance should assume, at this point, that 100% of your budget is coming from money you already have in your pockets.

I would sit down with your parents and explain, gently but firmly, that their foot-dragging strategy with deposits is not going to work for your vendors.  No one reputable will work with you unless you pay their standard deposits, and their habit of saying “oh, we’ll pay you back” or “look at other vendors” is causing you serious stress.  You need to know now if you can count on them for the money they promised.  If so, they need to cut you a check now (for either part or all of the money they intend to contribute), because the strategy of asking for money when you need it isn’t working for anyone.  If not, that’s OK, but you need to know now so you can adjust accordingly.

If they say they can’t or won’t cut you a check, you’ll have to redo your budget completely.  And that’s going to suck.  But the good news on that is this: you get to decide on *everything*.  The guest list, the venue, the caterer, *everything*.  Those guests your parents insisted you “had” to invite?  If they’re not helping to pay, and you can’t afford a huge number of guests, you get to choose who doesn’t get an invitation.  So there are definite upsides to loosing parental money!

Post # 7
1944 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I am so sorry you are going through this. No, I do not think you are being a brat at all 🙂 In fact I think you are budging too much and doing more of what your family wants because they “said” they will pay for a majority of it but have not and not what you and your Fiance truly want.

My suggestion? You and your Fiance do this yourself. Do not rely on them. You will have so much more freedom and less stress and your wedding will be about the 2 of you and not anyone else. I really discourage you and hope you dont, take out a loan for your wedding! You make do with what money you have now. Loans should only be for long term things like cars and houses, not a one day event.

I hope all works out!

Post # 8
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

That’s not at all bratty–it’s not like you’re demanding they pay for your wedding; you just need to *know* if they are helping or not!

I’m sorry you have to go through this. 🙁

Post # 9
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

The same thing has happened to one of my brides recently ((HUGS)).  The most important thing is the marriage between your families.  I would encourage you to have a heart to heart with your family, I’m sure they are feeling embarrassed and stressed out as well and let them know that the size isn’t the most important part of your wedding.  The union of your families is and that you want to par down your guest list to only include close family members.  Your caterer should be able to work with you on decreasing some of the food choices and the deposit you have paid should be sufficient to cover a decreased guest list. 

Post # 10
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

@ejs4y8 HELOC = home equity line of credit. It’s a loan against the equity of your house.


No advice here, just sorry that your parents are being so flaky!!

Post # 11
98 posts
Worker bee

I’m so sorry! This is a really tricky situation … You don’t sound like a brat. Smile  You sound really financially responsible. I agree with the other ladies; right now the best thing I think you can do is explain to your parents that it is your understanding, from their unwillingness to pay, that they don’t actually have the money they promised to put toward your wedding. I think you really have to cut down your guest list. You don’t want to go into debt for the wedding. Explain this to them and see what they say. Maybe they will come clean about why they told you they had the money when they didn’t. Maybe they were planning on getting a loan? I think you need to reclaim control of the wedding, and the best way you can do this is by paying yourself. If you cut the guest list (doesn’t sound like you want all those people there anyway …) your cost will go way down. And if you are using friendors for the stuff you listed above, your overall cost should be manageable.

You should take a look at http://2000dollarwedding.com/. I’m trying to do a wedding on really limited funds too, and the philosophy these two used to plan their wedding really stuck with me. Some stuff I just didn’t see us doing, but there are some great ideas here.

Good luck! I hope the talk goes well!

Post # 12
1023 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I know its tempting, but I wouldn’t take out a loan for the wedding. It is just one day and it will be a wonderful day whether it cost you 30 grand, 3 grand, or even just the $35 bucks for the marriage license.

I also happen to have the flakiest parents alive and while I knew right away not to rely on their help with the wedding, I mistakenly have believed they would follow through with their legal (yes it was negotiated in their divorce) obligation to help me (and my brother) pay for college. Yea…you can guess how this is going.

I would stick with your tell me by tomorrow or else. Don’t rely on them to follow through any longer because trust me, getting burned and hitting deadlines is AWFUL.

Post # 13
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Thats awful. Your not being bratty at all. They are the ones who wanted the huge guest list and offered the amount to begin with. Then to stretch it out and dodge helping like that is just the icing on the cake. I would sit them down and calmly say you know money may be tight and that you only need to know for sure if they can/will contribute. But I would definitely give them a short deadline with your vendor deposit bills waiting. Good luck! HUGS

Post # 14
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Also I would’t want to take out a loan either. I know that could be so tempting but think it out. If your parents can’t help tell them you will have to cut the guest list down. You can plan a nice wedding for alot less.  good luck

Post # 15
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I agree with everyone else about not taking out a loan.  And I also agree that you need to assume they are not going to help you at all and proceed accordingly.

It sounds like a lot (most) of your wedding is all about your parents.  Their guests, their level of fanciness etc.  I struggled with the same thing, though my issues were less about money than other stunts my parents pulled.  My sister said to me, “You’ve spent all this time worrying about what would make everyone else happy, but what do you want?”  And now I’m asking you the same thing. 

You don’t seem to want any of what you’ve planned, or maybe part of you does but it’s easier to say you don’t when you know your parents will still force it on you.  So ask yourself, honestly, what do you want?  I don’t think it really is to elope.  But it sounds like maybe it’s a much smaller and more casual wedding than what you are planning.  You’ve got plenty of time to plan that…so do it!  Or if you really do want the big wedding, then admit that to yourself and your Fiance and do whatever you need to have it.  I would advise against the HELOC, but if you think it’s appropriate do it and don’t blame your parents later when you’re paying it back.

I’m sorry if the above sounds harsh, but you sound so miserable and honestly I think you could really find a solution that makes *you* happy.  B/c you keep mentioning how not having a wedding or paying for it yourself will “break your parents’ heart”.  But they don’t really sound like they’re going out of the way to take care of your needs…so maybe it’s not your job to take care of theirs right now.

Post # 16
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Yikes! That is really unfair, asking you to stretch your guest list to include all of their friends, and then flaking out on the money.

I would have a sit-down with them and explain, in terms of sheer logistics, that this can’t continue. Option 1 is for them to cut you a check for X amount and be done with it. Option 2 is for you to assume you will be funding the wedding yourself, which will mean a lot of changes in the guest list and details. I’d be prepared for some unhappiness on their part but really, that is not your fault!

Don’t worry, your day will be fabulous in the end!

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