(Closed) Parents disapprove of relationship–can anyone relate?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee

"…we both need to get ourselves in line and realize what’s best for the both of us–to split up, or, at least, decide never to have kids."

?!?!

Oh. My. God. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this – I’m kind of getting riled up for you! It’s terrible that you have to be the one to forge ahead with this in the face of your mother’s disapproval, but just know in the grand scheme of things you’re progressing acceptance and tolerance and general open-mindedness, and your kids (if you decide to have any) will be better people for it. 

I myself am not in the same situation (although, if it helps, my mother would be just as antagonistic as yours), but of the couples I’ve known that have gone through something similar, the negativity tends to wear off at the exact moment that you give birth. There’s just something about grandbabies that melts the heart of the coldest grandmother.

Good luck. I’m sorry you have to go through this… but just stick to your guns and stop justifying yourself to your mom. It sucks, but it’s the only way to get through this. She’ll come around eventually. 

Post # 4
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Umm, my oldest daughter is mixed race. Really? This is not 1942. She’s fine. It’s fine! Nobody cares.

My first husband was a different race than me, as I’m sure are a lot of couples out there. My parents were never uncomfortable with it, but some of my older relatives made comments about it, kind of passive aggresive bs. If you were to have kids, would your parents love that child any less? Absolutely not!! The same people who did not approve of my relationship fell head over heels for my daughter.

Do you parents love you any less for loving someone they don’t approve of? I’m sure they don’t. But maybe the question needs to be posed to them, so they can see it from your point of view. And then you can thank them for giving you the character to pursue your own convictions in the face of such an obstacle. And eventually, you need to be selfish, and just be happy for yourself. I personally think that the sooner you start letting things roll of your back, the sooner they mightt back off and realize they can’t say anything to change your mind.

Good Luck!

Post # 5
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow. Unfortunately, this is the 21st century and your parents need to deal. But, it’s not like you can change their mind. Grandbabies usually do….lol.

That being said. You live in Des Moines. You WILL run into more racist attitudes there. I’m from So Cal, where it’s very liberal. I’m partially korean, and even I get some weird behavior thrown my way here. I have friends here in MO who wouldn’t DARE date men of specific races, whereas in California we all dated different races and it was fine. I dated a half Chinese guy and people here were kinda shocked. 

People don’t care as much as your parents think they will. It’s not like your FI is a piece of crap and beats you or anything. All that should matter is that you two are happy together. And I’m sure you’ve talked about the race issue and having mixed children. Things will come up, but every kid hits their rough patches, whether it’s their race or the fact that they wear glasses. 

I can’t necessarily relate because I just *happened* to meet someone of similiar race to me. I didn’t plan it, I wasn’t looking, he just fell into my lap basically. But I can full-heartedly appreciate the struggles. My dad’s mom is incredibly racist and I grew up watching her treat my mother (half korean) very poorly and ignorantly. It DID go away with time. This lady used to run a white fingered glove at my mom’s house and tell her she was doing a poor job at being a housewife, though, so there was more to it.

Eventually your parents will get over it. You need to be FIRM in telling them that whatever they are saying is inappropriate. Call them a biggot or something. Or elude to the fact that whatever they’re saying is along those lines. I don’t think telling them that they’re hurting you is going to be enough, adn they’re getting to you….that’s what they want right? They want to upset you enough that you break up. But you can’t let that happen so put up as strong as a wall as you can. Shoot, if my parents every said that I shoudl break up with my FI or never have kids, I’d probably laugh and tell them to crawl out of their hole and get over themselves. 

Anyways, I hope things get better for you, and I hope someone here pops in with some advice! I’ve seen women who are dating men of different races (particularly the Asian women with white men..i know it’s taboo to the old-fashioned Asian families) post on here about it. 

If it helps at all, a friend of mine is INdian and is now engaged to a white guy. Well, her parents disapprovred for the whole 5 years, going so far as to try to set her up while she was with him. When they got engaged, it was pretty rough. 6 months into their engagement, they’ve finally accepted it, have met with him in person enough, and things are very cordial and becoming warmer she said. So there’s hope!!!!!!!

Post # 6
Member
960 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Ask your parents this: Would you rather me be with a guy of my race who beats me, or a guy of a different race who treats me amazingly?

I’ve been in 2 mixed relationships and luckily didn’t get much crap from my family. One got pretty serious (I’m white, he’s half Korean) so I think my grandma got a little worried that I was going to pop out 1/4 Aisian babies, but that relationship didn’t work out. At some point you have to decide whether it’s worth fighting. I’m not saying break up with your FI, I’m saying break up with your family. Maybe not completely, but make it clear that if they continue to act the way they act, and say the things they say, they will NOT see their grandchildren or the contact will be limited. If you don’t mind me asking, what are your and your FI’s races? I know racism is racism, but it might give some insight and help others help you.

If nothing else, you could always say to them that their future grandchild could end up being the president of the US one day πŸ˜‰ I hope this gets easier for everyone involved soon. The Hive is here for you in the meantime. 

Post # 7
Member
2820 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Ugh. *HUGS* I can’t imagine going through what you are. =( To have your parents disapprove of your fiance just because of what colour his skin is…. Argh!

Keep standing strong, and have the wedding you want. =) It’ll be the best day of your life, because you’re marrying the man you love, and if your family can’t buck up and support you in that, then it’s their loss. 

Unfortunately I don’t have any suggestions for you on how to get them to accept him. They either will or they won’t, and that’s the end of it. 

Post # 8
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

I have three beautiful mixed race grandchildren. I can PM you pictures…mixed race children seem to get the best of both races…tell you parents you will give them BEATIFUL grandchildren…then let it go and enjoy your wedding planning.

Post # 9
Member
84 posts
Worker bee

Every notice the older generations have more trouble with this than most…..My grandparents are still around and aren’t the most open minded….

Post # 10
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I feel so lucky that my parents are accepting, and I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through πŸ™

I second the beautiful babies comment… my mom’s firt marriage was to a japanese man (she’s white), and so my half brother and sister are half japanese, and my half brother married a latina girl, and their children are the most gorgeous girls in the world (tan skin, dark brown hair, green (slightly asian looking) eyes!)  of course I may be biased πŸ™‚

Post # 11
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee

Wow. I definitely can relate.

My fiance is black and I am white. It took a while for my parents to see past the exterior and see what a wonderful man I am marrying. Part of that was my fault – I knew they disapproved so I tried to avoid the situation. And my fiance wasn’t always a perfect angel either. But when he and I decided to be serious, he went to my dad, straight up, like a man, and told him how he felt about me. That won a lot of points with my dad.

I know you have been reading my dad’s blog. It may be interesting to ask his perspective. I think it was always harder on my mom than my dad though. Or at least she was more vocal about it. What really helped her was that a bunch of her friends’ children started being in mixed relationships or adopted kids of different races. She is from Des Moines, and grew up in a much different world than me. So it has taken some time.

The bottom line is that it can be overcome. It is often ignorance and fear that gets in the way. Hopefully once they get to know him, and start to see the love that you two share, things will change. It won’t happen overnight, but take it from me, there is hope!

 

Post # 12
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’m so sorry you are going through this! While i’m not in your shoes, I do feel for you.

My dad used to threaten me saying that "you better never bring home a black man or else!…" He was afraid of all the "reprecussions" that come along with mixed race couples (harassment, violence, dirty looks, etc.) He said his reasoning was that he grew up in the 1950s and experienced the effects of segregation and racism first hand, and didn’t want his daughter to be subjected to any of it. I’ve tried to explain to him that people are far more accepting in the 21st century, but he didnt want to hear it.

If my parents acted the way yours are, I would give them an ultimatum. You’ve found the love of your life and want to be with him no matter what. As parents, they should be happy that you’ve found true love- some people never find it. If they can’t be happy for you and support your commitment, then they aren’t welcome at the wedding. period.

I also agree that children tend to change peoples minds. They may say you shouldn’t have children now, but once presented with a grandbaby it will melt away. My grandfather (a racist irishman) met my fiances niece (of mixed race) at my bridal shower and was completely enamoured with her, he thought she was the most adorable girl he’s ever seen.

Hopefully your parents will come around! Best of luck.

Post # 14
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

(((Hugs))) I can relate also. My FI and I are an interracial couple–he is Lebanese/Italian and I am African American. But our "differences" are not just racial, they’re also socio-economical–I grew up in the world of middle-class suburbia and he came from a more humble background (I think this can be just as important an "issue" as race sometimes, it’s just not as readily discussed it seems). He is an amazing man who has overcome these struggles and is now doing wonderfully in law school. Besides those "differences" we are so much alike sometimes it’s funny!  

To my pleasant surprise, at first my parents seemed like they were completely supportive of our relationship, as I thought they may have had apprehensions. But as our relationship got more serious over time I could sense they’re apprehensions increasing. I tried multiple times to talk with them about this, but we never got anywhere real. So we never knew what they were truly feeling and it made things so difficult. Once we became engaged, they were clearly not pleased. So after some heartfelt talks, my mom finally said that our racial difference and his background was causing her some troubles. Which I completely understood–I get a little nervous too–not of us but the rest of the world, sadly. Now that we’ve talked and finally gotten that elephant out of the room and my parents have been more honest, things are getting better.

I know this is a hard time for you admist all that should be happy–you found the love of your life but you feel like you can’t even discuss wedding plans with your mom without feeling disappointed/hurt. I felt the same way and still do sometimes, to be honest. But keep your head up and keep talking about your FI and how happy he makes you and that he will always be a part of your life. And also let them know that your love for them is unwavering and that your FI is not going to take you away from them. Let them get to know your FI better so they can see the man you love and not just a skin tone. Fear and ignorance can be very strong but are easy to break when the love of a child is involved if they’re willing to try…

Wishing you all the best!

Post # 15
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

I’m really sorry you are going through this.  My grandfather was/is the same way about "not bringing home a black man or else."  It really hurts that they are so closed minded.  I have to agree with EQA.  And if they keep wanting to talk about it, tell them "I’m not discussing this anymore with you.  If you bring it up again, I will hang up the phone. (or leave, etc.)."  Since you don’t seem to get positive responses from your mom about the wedding, why don’t you make them on a need to know basis?

I’m not having the same race issue but I do have IL issues and I think they don’t approve of me (or any other girl for that matter) and if the roles were reveresed and my parents didn’t like FI and said the things to him that his parents have said about/to me, I wouldn’t be having it at all.  I would make my choice very clear.

If they can’t be happy for you and support your commitment, then they aren’t welcome at the wedding. period.

I agree with you MissCamera

 

Post # 16
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee

Yes, my dad is a ‘happy’ dad. And I mean it – he loves my fiance! That whole post he wrote about about ‘asking her dad’? My fiance did. And my dad respects him a whole lot for it. My parents just got to the place where they said, if she loves him, we will love him too. And once they opened up a bit, they found that my fiance is a truly wonderful man. And like I said before, my dad never really had the issues my mom had.

I have come to learn that my mom’s comments (in the past) were often made out of ignorance. She thought people would think I was "white trash" – and I have had comments from people saying that they didn’t think I was "that type of girl" when they found out I was dating a black guy. (Whatever that means!) But my mom began to see other wonderful mixed couples. And saw that we are both highly educated, and highly successful people. And she began to realize the rest of the world would see us like that too.

My mom has gotten better about asking questions, rather than just making assumptions. And my fiance has been wonderful about not getting offended, but just answering the questions. And if any of my family makes a joke that could be a bit offensive, he just lets it roll off his back. He knows they don’t mean any malice.

I was most proud of my dad a few months back after we went out our save-the-dates. We put our picture on there, just in case anyone had any problems with it, they would know before they showed up to the wedding. Well, my dad’s boss made it clear to my dad that he had a problem with it and that he wanted to be taken off the invitation list. He made some crack at my dad about how his daughter had screwed things up. And he stood up to his boss and told him that our marriage had his blessing. And that we would be happy to take him off the guest list. (I mean really, would we want someone like that at our wedding anyway?) It was then that I knew that my dad was totally on "our" side. And nothing could mean more than that.

So yes, we have had our own issues to deal with. (Who doesn’t?) But they can be overcome. I seriously look at my parents’ relationship with my fiance as a miracle. So keep the faith – your dreams can come true!

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