Post # 1
My parents are adamantly against my SO joining the air force as are a lot of others. My mom seems to think it’s impulsive which it is a bit because he’s only brought this up just a few weeks ago. My mom said that God is not impulsive and this decision isn’t based on what he wants and it should be. My SO wouldn’t make a decision without me. The more I talk to my parents about it though, the worse we both feel. We want to get married next year, we don’t want to wait. We see each other so little as it is and our desires are getting harder. We want to please God but my parents are so old fashioned in their thinking as far as how long one should wait to marry. Its different for all couples. I wish they’d let us live our lives. I know that want what is best for me. But they also need to understand that no matter what I do or say, God will still be there. It won’t be the end of the world. I know they still treat me like a kid and not an adult. I’m 23 years old. They need to realize that yes I’m still their daughter but it is my life not theirs. Yes I’ll take their opinion and I love them, but I can’t keep letting everyone make my decisions for me. Every time I try to calmly tell them it’s my choice and my life, they claim I’m young and naive and not thinking clearly.
Post # 3
@katiecat08: I am guessing your parents love you very much and are speaking out of concern. But they need to realize that they are not going to get to control everything in your life, and certainly not your SO’s life. His career is entirely up to him and he is a grown man. Don’t engage them in conversations about this anymore.
When they bring it up, say calmly “I understand that you disagree with this choice, but we have put a lot of thought into it and already reached a decision.” But don’t try to convince them you are right, because you probably won’t be able to and it will lead to arguments and hurt feelings. Change the conversation topic. If they persist repeat the phrase as needed, to gently remind them that this is not an area where they get a vote.
Post # 4
@katiecat08: And I might add that it is a bit bold of your mom to believe that she knows what God wants for you and your SO. Please don’t let her try to convince you of that.
Post # 5
@katiecat08: Your parents want the best for you. You may or may not be ready to marry. In the end you have to live with what you decide (follow your conscience). As for God’s will and your fiance, that is between him and God.
Post # 6
There are so many things all mushed into one here, but these are the big things I see:
Your SO joining the Air Force: This is commendable, and a big step to take. It is not a decision for him to make lightly. If he just brought it up a few weeks ago, I can see why they think it’s impulsive. I think you and he both need to consider how this will turn your lives upside down before he enlists. There are lots of military spouses on here who can give some great advice about this lifestyle and what you would need to be prepared for. This is not an impulsive decision to make.
You sound very young. You say you are 23, but it sounds like a young 23 to me. If you feel that you are ready to get married, you have to also be ready to stand up to your parents and tell them your decision, not ask for their permission. Of course you want their blessing, but if you want them to see you as an adult, you need to act as an adult would act. Temper tantrums and comments like “it’s my life” don’t exude adult to me.
Do you want to get married next year? Or do you want to get married now? You said both. Do you want to push up the wedding because you want to have sex? I’m a little confused here.
Post # 7
The Bible says to honor your parents and also tells parents not exasperate their children. Seems you’re at an impass. How about seeking out the counsel of a pastor in your life? You’ll get better advice than from an online forum.
Post # 8
If you want your parents to let you live your lives, stop getting them so involved!
Just stop talking to them about things that are going on in your life.
ALSO, it’s none of their beeswax whether or not your SO (who is NOT their son, or related to them in any way!) wants to join the Air Force, trade stocks on Wall St, or become a circus clown – what he wants to do with his life is his choice and his alone.
The other thing I am going to ask is, do you still live at home? And how long have you and your SO been together to be wanting to marry right away?
It’s not really a big deal, but when I was 23 I thought I knew what I wanted (and that was to get married). I didn’t even know what I was getting myself into, and even just being engaged is a lot more work than I ever imagined it could be! For reference, I am 26 now (and with the same guy!). So just be careful about rushing into things (if you are) – I’m not trying to be a naysayer, just speaking from experience. 🙂
Rhetorical question: How does your mom know God isn’t impulsive? Maybe he IS!
Post # 9
@katiecat08: It sounds like this is about a lot more than joining the airforce, more like controlling when you marry. I’d be more suspicious that they’re reluctant to have you move away and be possibly stationed far away from home.
They can certainly mention their concerns, and you should listen. Impulsiveness is a concern, and can get people into trouble when they haven’t thought things through. If this is about finding a way for the two of you to facilitate an earlier marriage, well, then, you do need to consider whether you and your SO would be a good match for military life. If it’s not a good match, and you’re both miserable, that’s not going to make for an easy newlywed life.
At the end of the day, you are an adult and if you and your SO decide to have him join the AF, then go for it. Just accept the consequences that come with it – like tension between you and family/friends as you are growing up and making your own decisions.
Post # 10
I’d stop entertaining discussion about it. It’s not really any of their business and they’ll never respect your boundaries and treat you like an independent adult if you don’t set and enforce those boundaries.
Post # 12
There are two separate issues here. The first is that while you should respect the opinion of your parents, it is just that. An opinion. You don’t have to agree with it. Do you still live at home? If so, that’s probably part of the problem. I think it’s hard for parents to think of their children as adults when they’re still living at home. I’d recommend moving out, as that will likely make your parents view you as more of an adult. And it’ll also be easier to accept opinions from your parents without thinking that they are making demands. It’s better for everyone.
The second issue is that you haven’t said anything about what you think about him joining that air force. This is a HUGE decision and not something I would want decided on a whim. Honestly, I’m kind of with you parents. A couple weeks doesn’t sound like enough time to really think through this decision and how it will affect you both in the years to come. Because this is a really big commitment that will drastically change your lives. So I have no idea whether this is the right decision or not. But I do think you and your guy should have some serious and in-depth discussions about what this means for your future and if it is the right thing for the two of you.
And whatever you decide. Just tell your parents this is what’s happening. Thanks for your opinions, but this is what will work for us.
Post # 13
@katiecat08: Stop giving them say in your life by not talking about the decisions that you and your future husband should make together. It wouldn’t be up for discussion or approval if you didn’t tell them. I get that they care about you, and they are entitled to their opinion. But if you are going to be setting up a new household, you don’t need their approval. Bottom line is no matter what decision you make good or bad or indiffrent YOU and your future husband will either gain the benefits or suffer whatever potential negative set backs. Your parents I’m sure made whatever decisions they wanted to as adults without conseting with their parents. Do the same.
Post # 14
@MrsWBS: +1 its completely contray behavior.
Post # 15
Joining the Air Force is a huge commitment. It can put a lot of strain on your relationship and you need to be prepared and ready for it. Good luck with whatever choice you make- just make sure to take a long, hard look at every choice!