(Closed) Parents divorcing after wedding…

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I am so sorry Hon. I am a mom and can say that it was so unfair to put all of this on your back for this long. You are the child she is the parent, no matter how old you are. So you have been carrying this around for all this time, it makes me so upset for you. Her comments are uncalled for and I would suggest that you start speaking up that you no longer want to hear them. I am glad you have your fi to help you through this. I don’t have advise but wanted you to know that your not wrong here, she shouldn’t be confiding in you in this way. It’s not fair to you at all.:(

Post # 4
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My mom left my dad right after I got engaged (within a week) and it wasn’t pretty. It did ruin the newly engaged feeling. But things eventually settled and its ok now.

Honestly I would let her leave now. There is always some reason to delay bad news. You’re mom is “staying together for the kids” which isn’t fair to her or to you. It puts ideas in your head that they might work it out or stay together which isn’t going to happen. The rational part of your brain knows that but you are their child so its impossible to stop hoping while she is putting on the facade that everything is ok. If she leaves today, or they start couples counciling today, they might be fine by the wedding. (By fine I mean able to be happy for you at the wedding and civil to each other for one day. They will probably both be heartbroken but they are adults and should be capable of putting on a happy face for one day. Clearly your mother has been doing that for years.)

Post # 6
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am not judging but I really think you should let her tell him now. It is incredibly unfair to both of them, especially your poor father. 🙁

Post # 7
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First off (( HUGS )) because I know that this is really hurting you, and I can sooo understand “the spot” this has put you in.

Now here is a practical suggestion… incase things stay status quo.

After your Mom drops this bomb on your Dad, he no doubt is going to find out that you knew about it (sorry but if your Mom doesn’t have enough discretion to keep her plans to herself, that she needs to tell you this months ago, and you to keep it a secret… then trust me she’s going to say “I was just waiting until the Wedding was over… as I promised Bride2Be929:  I wouldn’t spoil her BIG Day”)…

And consequently he is going to be very hurt and confused, perhaps felt betrayed on both fronts.

Then you’ll truly be torn (as a child of Divorce I can tell you… Parents going thru this can be waaaay to self-centred & selfish)

So here is my suggestion…

Write your Dad a letter, tell him in much detail how this has ate you all up inside.  And that what your Mother has done to you isn’t fair.  Really pour out your emotions.  Let him know that keeping this secret has been killing you, and putting a real damper on what should be the happiest day of your life, and looking forward to your future as a Wife & Mother with your own family.  That it is now a case, where you almost dread that day coming.

Then put the letter in an envelope.  Address it to yourself… and take it to the Post Office to be hand-stamped & cancelled… so the date is visible on the outside of the Envelope (explain to the person behind the desk that this is the important part… the date must be visible).  Then mail it to yourself (and don’t open it when it arrives… just put it aside)

After the Sh!t hits the fan… and your Mother has flown the coop (honestly her “happiness” bothers me… is it possible she’s met someone else?)

And your Dad is devasted, and perhaps angry with you, or feels betrayed that you knew (he may not even choose to talk to you)

Hopefully, you can find a way to bridge that horrible gap… be that in person, on the phone or with a letter / email.  Tell your side of the story truthfully… and then explain you have this envelope (don’t give or mail it to him just yet… because in a fit of anger he may rip it up) and you’d like to share that with him when he is ready to read it so he knows NONE OF THIS was your doing (intentionally hurting him)

Again, I feel for you, this has got to be absolutely an nightmare leading up to your Wedding Day.  (Your mother was very selfish to dump all this in your lap).

I would honestly say that she “tricked” you… in that she’s managed to escape a lot of the trauma and instead has “blackmailed” you into carrying that burden.

I really and truly feel for you… It sucks when your parents get divorced whether you are a kid or an adult (I was pushing 30).  So I know this isn’t easy to begin with, forget having a Wedding in the mix to complicate it even more.

(( HUGS ))

Hope this helps,

 PS… You might want to keep this WBee topic handy too… as it shows your Dad when you wrote it, and the feedback you got, and also my suggestion for mailing the letter to yourself, etc. 

Post # 9
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I actually walked away from my computer to make some lunch and thought about the timing.  There really is no way that anything could be resolved by your wedding and would make for an epically horrible time for all three of you.  I am so sorry.  And your mother, wow, it’s really unfair for her to have told this to you so early. 

Did she ever see a counselor?

Post # 10
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Bride2Be929:  No, it’s not selfish or immature of you to want what you want.  Weddings should be joyous occasions, celebrating the union of two people.  For your mom to leave your dad right before the wedding would cast a sad pall over the whole thing. 

I certainly sympathize with your mom and my heart goes out to how lonely her life must have been without true love.  But for her to leave your dad right before it would cloud the whole event.  I guess it would have been better for her to have left a year and a half ago, after your cancer scare was over.  But there’s nothing to be done about it now.  The best thing for her is to wait till after your wedding to drop this news. I would also ask her to stop confiding in you like this.  It’s so painful for you to hear, knowing what you know, and knowing in advance all the drama and hurt that is going to follow.

*huge hugs* 

By the way, my mom told me about a couple she met where the wife left the husband a few months before the wedding.  At the wedding, they attended separately, and she wore a short red sequined minidress with spaghetti straps.  I couldn’t help thinking “wow, talk about advertising that she’s available.”  Terrible of me, but damn.

Post # 13
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Bride2Be929:  Re – Reply # 7

You gotta stop kicking yourself over this.

Your decision is not as you say “selfish & imature”… granted technically you are the child here… but your decision was one that tried to make the best of a bad situation for the most people around you…

Your Dad, Your Fiance, Your Son, Your Siblings, Your Inlaws, Your Guests…

You made a very adult decision (adult decisions are hard and require sacrifice… and honey you are ceratainly making sacrifices… literally putting EVERYONE else before your own happiness… at your Wedding)

Your mother on the other hand, IS not behaving like an Adult at all… she seems to be putting HER NEEDS / WANTS above everyone else’s…

And that is SELFISH & IMATURE (and very childlike)

Post # 14
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@This Time Round:  Well, to Mom’s credit, she may have spent the last 30 years sacrificing, know what I mean?  But yes the timing is AWFUL.

Post # 16
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@WillyNilly:  I hear ya, but honestly as a Mom who has been there done that, I have to say that if Mom has been “acting out the part” on behalf of her children for sooo long she could have continued in that “role” for awhile longer me thinks.

As it is now, she’s put a huge cloud over our Bride friend here, and there still is one boy at home (if you’ve put in 30 years, what is another 2 or so until this one was out of the nest ??)

Honestly, it is all very strange IMO… and selfish.

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